A faith transition can change our close relationships dramatically. So often our relationships are intertwined in our religious practices and when we try to extricate the religion part, the relationship has to shift and readjust.
This is super scary, it often causes what I call the ‘what if’’ spiral.
I want to make a change in my religious practices because of my shifting beliefs BUT:
What if he leaves, what if he hates me, what if my mom rejects me, what if I am wrong, what if I am right, what if this never gets better, what if my kids get screwed up, what if ….?
We get in this cycle and it loops and loops. We do NOT like any of the answers our brain give us. They will leave, they will be hurt, they will not understand, they will be upset, they will be messed up.
Is it any surprise that we tip toe around church issues and that we do not make any changes? Is it any surprise that we do not share what is going on, or that we pretend everything is fine? Maybe we continue to try to fit our round self into a square hole just to avoid the WHAT IFs. We stay stuck. We do not change. We maintain the status quo.
We are essentially afraid to face an unknown. We don’t really know how they will respond or react. We THINK we know – maybe we are right and maybe we are wrong. We are still too afraid to really find out the truth about them and ourselves.
We don’t want to know the truth about their love (is it conditional or unconditional?)
-Do they love me or just the role I fulfill for them?
We don’t want to know the truth about ourselves.
-Will I have my back?
-Can I love me without the validation of others?
-Can I face rejection?
We also do not give them or ourselves a chance to show up.
We do not give our loved ones a chance to show their love.
We play small, and ask them to play small in this relationship.
Here are some alternative WHAT IFs to consider:
What if this helped us grow closer?
What if this created more connection?
What if this helped me develop more confidence and self respect.
What if this made my life better?
Are you stuck in scary what ifs? Are you looking for some help to move forward? I am here to help. It can be essential to have someone looking over your shoulder and helping you see where you are getting in your own way and sabotaging your own marriage and happiness. That is what I am here for. Let’s connect.
Just click on this link to sign up for a free, no obligation call where we can have a real conversation about your mixed faith marriage.
Talk to you soon,