There is a Brene Brown quote I love – “Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are.”
When my faith transition hit it caused so much confusion and shame. This was NOT how things were supposed to happen. This was NOT supposed to happen to our marriage and family. This was NOT what I wanted to have to deal with.
All of these ‘should’ thoughts caused me a great deal of suffering. They also kept me in the problem focused mode. I was fixated on the problems. What about tithing? What about garments? What about a temple marriage in 20 years for one of our kids?
When I could let go of the fear and drama around what was NOT supposed to be happening and just accept what was happening then things started to improve.
I believe the improvement came because of the ability to change my focus from the problem to the solution. Letting go of what was NOT supposed to be happening and accepting what was happening helped me shift from the problem to the solution.
I teach my clients a communication tool that helps with focusing on solutions instead of problems
Difficult Communication Exercise:
1. Let go of the need to be right, or prove your point.
2. Start with “What are you thinking about (insert topic)?” Fully hear your
partner. Note: You don’t get this luxury and that is OK.
3. Re-state the facts that you can both agree on.
4. Reduce the issue to one statement:
• You are making the facts mean:_______________________
• I am making these facts mean: _______________________
5. Now only talk about the solution. Do not discuss the problem, this is very
tempting, only discuss possible solutions. You will be surprised how much
easier it is to find solutions when discussing the problem is off the table.
One reason this exercise is so helpful is because of the 5th step – ONLY talk about the solution. We are very much used to taking about the problem and all the ins and outs of the problem. We are much less practiced in only taking about the solution. Try it. Its fascinating and difficult but ultimately really helpful.
Ready to focus on solutions? Ready to let go of the problem mindset? Ready to stop fighting against your reality? Your marriage ? Your spouse?
I am a life coach who helps Mormons in a mixed faith marriage. This is my jam. Let’s talk about your mixed faith marriage. I offer a free call where we can discuss where you are in your marriage, where you want to be and how to get your there. There is a way forward.