It is not the cruel criticism of people who hate us that shakes us from our knowing, it is the quiet concern of those who love us.
-Glenon Melton Doyle
This made me think of a conversation I had with some friends (pre-COVID-19). We were out to dinner with some friends going through a faith transition and another mixed faith marriage couple. One man who was in a faith transition was agonizing over the thought of telling his mom (who was serving a mission is Nauvoo) that he was no longer believing. I could see the stress and pain it was causing him.
He was not concerned about haters in general and people who attacked. Instead he could not bear that thought of his mother’s “quiet concern”.
Been there? This was similar with my husband. He was not the type to get upset and yell and shout and demand I change. Instead he would get quiet and mourn and wonder what he did wrong.
Both reactions are excruciating.
The truth is we cannot control how others act (say, think, feel – anything). What we do have control over is how we choose to think, feel and respond.
Whether you mom (or spouse) will show quiet concern or lecture or cry is not something we can control. What will we do, when they do what they do, is our only concern. How do we want to show up no matter what she does? When we put our focus there, we are much more powerful and can focus where we can actually make a difference.
Let’s look at that.
How do you want to show up? What kind of daughter/spouse/son/sibling do you want to be? Get clear on that and then no matter what they say or do, that is how you show up.
You may need to practice, you may fail a few times, keep trying. You may need a coach to help you get the right thoughts and feelings in place to truly act that way, but it is in your control and that is where you can be 100% in control.
Do you have relationships where you concerned about their reactions? Do you need help really knowing how you are going to respond no matter what they say or do? I am here to help. I help my clients really step forward with confidence in their relationships that are impacted by a faith transition. Reach out and let’s set ups time talk, its free and there is zero obligation.
