What to do when your kids hit on of the many rites of passage in LDS culture?
Do you let them get baptized (or whatever it is)? Do you stay silent and keep your recommend?
Many of my clients have kids that are around baptism age. There is the perpetual question – What to do about the baptism?
This is never an easy question.
I have seen it result in stalemates, frustration and passive aggressiveness (that last one was me when my daughter was baptized).
I think the most helpful tool for a partnership to use is to seek understanding. Often if both partners feel completely understood then what actually happens is much less important.
I would recommend the difficult conversation exercise I have taught before. I will go over it here as a reminder.
This exercise works well when one partner leads the way – your partner does’t even need to know what is going on, but they will feel understood.
1. The leader asks – Tell me your thoughts about (child’s name)’s baptism (or 8th birthday).. The leader follows up with:
Tell me more about….
Help me understand your view point here…
2. The leader listens and doesn’t share their viewpoints (that is not your luxury for this exercise)
3. Leader says:
Here are the facts as I see them: (STATE THE FACTS – things EVERYONE would agree about)
examples would be:
Our daughter turns 8 on July 25.
My parents have asked about a baptism date.
Our daughter has stated her opinion as ____.
The Primary president has called us twice .
4. Leader says:
You are making these facts mean (summarizes partner’s viewpoint)- Our daughter doesn’t have the capacity to make this decision yet
I am making these facts mean (summarize your viewpoints)- Our daughter wants this and this matters
5. Leader says – Now we understand the issue, let’s talk about solutions.
ONLY focus on solutions (this will be challenging – but rewarding).
Once you understand your spouse (this is different than thinking you understand) you will be in a better position to problem solve.
This is a simple exercise AND it really works. Try it out. See what happens.
You may have to bite your tongue a few times in the process. I always do!
The best part of this exercise is that it helps you let your spouse know you are willing to hear them and understand them. This is often the most important part of a decision making process.
Do you need more help? This is just one of the many exercises I teach to my clients. Are you ready for coaching?
