Many couples claim that one partner is logical and the other is emotional (and that this is a problem). Usually the logical partner wishes the emotional one would be more logical the emotional wishes the logical one would be more emotional. Then they both spin into blame and frustration and create distance. A faith transition can cause this subtle (and common) belief system to get pushed to the surface and become a real sore spot. There can become a full out battle of emotion v logic. There is no winner in this battle. Everyone looses.
In my marriage I have held the belief that I am the logical one and my husband is overly emotional. (Our society usually labels men as logical and woman as emotional – not a helpful stereo type but one to be aware of). As the logical one I have believed that emotions are weak or messy or unnecessary.
The underlying premise of the battle between emotion and logic is that one is better than the other. Not true. It is also not true that we are either logical or emotional. We are ALL both.
We sometimes get stuck in beliefs that one way is better or more helpful. This causes us to judge our spouse and ourselves.
When I see evidence that my husband is emotional I may tell myself – Here we go again. He is so fickle or why can’t we discuss this like adults.
When I see evidence that I am emotional I judge myself – Why do I act so stupid. This is a waste of time. I am so ashamed of my outburst.
My husband probably thinks this about me as the“logical” spouse:
She is so cold, she doesn’t even try to understand my feelings.
He may also judge himself. – I am so calculating. I don’t like this part of me.
The solution is to be able to see the value in both and accept both as good and necessary in life and in a relationship.
As humans we are both logical and emotional. We need both to be successful in our life and in our marriage. No one is fully emotional or fully logical (despite what we may say).
If you claim to be the logical one, find ways you are emotional. Find ways your spouse is logical and vice versa.
Open up to the possibility that one way is not better than the other, but together they make a whole person.
If you struggle with accepting your spouse and and find yourself frustrated over their logic or emotion let’s talk and find out what is really going on.
This binary approach is not going to help you in your marriage. There is a better way of approaching your marriage.
One on one coaching is the BEST tool I know of to really get to the heart of these issues. Reach out and let’s set up a time to talk and see if one on one coaching is a good fit for you.
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