Those sound really nice. They seem like they would be really helpful in your marriage. They are probably what you and I have been taught about a good relationship.
What if they are not helping you at all? What if they are actually hurting your marriage?
These thoughts can be harmful because when we tell them to ourselves we are effectively setting ourselves up for failure.
You cannot make another person feel anything. You cannot make them feel better, feel happy, sad or feel anything. You sometimes trick yourself into thinking you can make them feel better because your actions sometimes seem to make them feel better – but it is really what they are making your actions mean that helps them feel better and not actually your actions. (You know sometimes you say the wrong thing and they are ok, and sometimes you say the perfect thing and they freak out).
This may seem like an inconsequential difference. it is not. When you try to make another feel differently, you are going to fail most of the time. When you fail most of the time we are going to be frustrated in the relationship and get resentful that they are not feeling better after ALL you have done. Now you are blaming them for how you are feeling – If they would feel better, I could feel better! It is a losing cycle that creates a whole lot of codependency.
Another option is to take responsibility for your own emotions and let others take responsibility for their emotions and them decide how you want to show up in your marriage regardless of how they are feeling or acting. This is so much more empowering because its 100% in your control.
When you want them to feel better it is always because you think you feel better when they feel better. This may be true, but do you want to wait on the other person to feel better?
So how do you want to show up in your marriage? How do you want to feel about your spouse and marriage? You get to decide. You can’t decide how they will feel and how they will show up, but you get to decide how you will feel and how you will show up.
Telling yourself that you can make them happy is going to cause some frustration because it is just not true. They are the steward of their own emotions and their own happiness. You are the steward of yours.
Are you ready for some one on one coaching to really get this figured out? Are you tired of carrying the emotional weight of two or three or twenty -three? Reach out and let’s talk and see if coaching is a good fit for you.