“I am ruining everything,” is going to create shame. It implies you are wrong.
When I am in shame, I act defensive, I lash out, I avoid, I disengage, I sulk, I find fault, I blame.
NONE of which actually helps me or my marriage.
When a clients presents with the belief that they are ruining everything I ask:
What if you are ruining everything? What does that even mean?
is is true? What exactly are you ruining?
Is there another way to look at this? Is this how everyone in a faith transition views it?
What else might be possible?
Instead of believing “I am ruining everything,” I encourage them to consider the following:
I am creating a new way of thinking about this.
I am exploring other options
I am trying to understand me better
I am willing to ask hard questions
When I tell myself I am willing to ask hard questions I do not feel shame, I feel determined. When I am determined I show up differently in my marriage then when I am feeling shame. I may be willing to try new communication techniques or seek help or be willing to talk about hard topics.
This creates a completely different result from shame.
So you can tell yourself, “I am ruing everything,” or you can tell yourself something else like “I am willing to ask hard questions” – it is up to you.
Are you ready to give up the belief that you are ruining everything in your mixed faith marriage. You need a life coach. Together we will create a whole new way of looking at your mixed faith marriage.