People don’t always associate people pleasing with a mixed faith marriage. People pleasing can run rampant in these types of marriages.
People pleasing happens when we try to control what others think about us. We so want them to love us, accept us that we ultimately pretend to be someone we are not. We try to be who we think they want us to be.
We talk in certain ways, dress in certain ways and do certain things on Sundays just so they like and accept us.
We conform ourselves to be the perfect wife or perfect husband and do not show up as ourselves. When they do not appreciate us and all we do to make them happy we get resentful. (After all I do for you – for this family – for this marriage).
People pleasing is a form on lying. We are not being honest with our spouse about who we are and what we want. We are not being honest with our self about who we are and what we want.
I’ll go to church with you if that is what you want – when underneath – you really don’t want to go.
I’ll go with you to your new church if that is what you want – when underneath – you really don’t want to go.
It is ok to do something you don’t want to do. But are you doing it so they will like you or are you doing it as a gift of love? There can be a fine line. One causes resentment and one does not. One is honest and one is not.
What would happen if you just decided to show up as yourself?
Sometimes we think that it would mean we would be BAD. We would be mean and lazy and selfish. Is that really true? If we stop trying to be what we think others want us to be it means we will be ourselves. Period.
When we show up as ourselves we give our spouse the opportunity to have a relationship with us (the real person versus the pretend person ).
When we show up as ourselves we don’t have to pretend to like something or someone. We don’t have to put on an act. We don’t have to twist ourselves into positions that doesn’t fit us.
When we show up as ourselves we learn the truth about ourselves and about those close to us. It can be scary, and it can be valuable information. Others may not like you. Can you handle that? Do you like you?
If you need help dealing with people pleasing in your marriage I can help. If you find yourself resentful because they just don’t appreciate all you do – that is people pleasing. Let’s talk and find a better way to interact in your mixed faith marriage.
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach