Does it seem like every time you talk about church it ends up in a fight?
I had a client come to me and ask – how can I communicate without anger?
I remember being at a restaurant where we were talking church and faith transition. It was not pretty, even the waiter was uncomfortable. I chuckle now, but at the time no one was chuckling.
First, it is possible. Let me offer you a few ideas to help if this is your pattern of behavior in your relationship.
Get curious about why are are angry. Do you feel attacked? Or defensive? Or both? Why do you feel attacked or defensive or afraid? Sometimes anger is what surfaces when we are sad. Many people respond to sadness with anger, as anger can feel better than sadness.
Stop blaming. Often our first response to a fight is to blame the other person. Its their fault for saying ____, or doing_____ ,or looking at me a certain way, or speaking in a certain tone. Brene Brown says, “Its so much easier to cause pain then to feel pain.” Blame is a way we deflect our own pain or emotional turmoil onto another . It makes us the victim and our spouse the perpetrator. It makes us powerless. It solves nothing.