If you are in a mormon mixed faith marriage you have probably experienced anger (as it is part of the grief cycle).
I want to share some ideas about anger as we often get tripped up a little around this emotion.
Anger was not an acceptable emotion in my household when I was a kid.
I always associated anger with fighting. Fighting was wrong and anger was bad.
I don’t think this is super unusual for people raised LDS.
Anger often means that you are not “choosing the right.”
I would agree that some actions from anger are NEVER helpful or appropriate (name calling, hitting, etc).
I would also argue that anger in and of itself is not the problem. Everyone gets angry, it is normal and healthy. Anger is just another human emotion that we all experience.
It doesn’t need to go away or be fixed. It just needs to be processed.
Often unprocessed anger is what causes so much pain and anguish. When we don’t process our emotions and then explode on our kids or numb out on TV or video games – that is the problem – andnot actually allowing yourself to feel angry aboutsomethings painful.
When we can actually allow anger and process it – it is not explosive. It does not hurt others. It does not spew. It is just another emotion to experience. It is something we feel in our body.
The biggest problem with anger is not experiencing it– it is telling yourself you shouldn’t be angry and then ignoring it. Or telling yourself you are a bad person for feeling angry then starting into a shame and guilt cycle.Both of these behaviors can lead to passive aggression, stonewalling, volcano reactions that are not commiserate to what just happened.
So I say anger is not bad and is not a problem. The real problem is unresolved anger, ignored anger, unprocessed anger (or really any emotion) that is what causes so much friction in our relationships. So many explosions or snarky comments are actually the result of unprocessed emotions that leak out of us and then cause damage.
Need to learn how to deal with emotions and process emotions in your mixed faith marriage? I can help.
In my group program or in one on one coaching, I teach you how to process your emotions. I teach you how choose emotions on purpose to help you in your mixed faith marriage. Emotional work is critical to a great marriage as our emotions fuel our actions. If you want to act differently in your marriage you have to address your emotional life.
