In your marriages you may find you want to be able to influence your spouse. To be a someone they listen to and respect and whose opinion they consider.

When I say influence I do not mean manipulate. I mean being able to create an environment where you welcome sharing, openness and safety.

My husband has expressed his concern over this. He has been frustrated that I listen to my mom, my sisters and not so much to him  (especially regarding my faith transition).

If you are trying to influence your spouse or have had similar frustrations  there is a sure fire way to close off our ability to influence.

We close off our influential abilities when we convince, judge, or become defensive.

It closes the influence door so fast.

Let me explain.

Consider their point of view – If someone feels like their spouse isn’t listening to them, getting them, doesn’t like them and their choices, or only becomes defensive when they try to have an honest conversation, that often prevents them from wanting to share and receive influence and ideas.  It may cause them to run and hide and find someone else to talk to.

The best way to create influence in your marriage is to be open, willing to listen, and allow then to be who they are without judgment.

When someone feels fully appreciated and seen, it is the natural response to listen and be influenced.

Feelings of curiosity and interest can help develop this type of influence. When we are genuinely curious about our spouse and their experience and feelings and thoughts, we create what I call a “safe space” for them to open up and share.

I know first hand that a mixed faith marriage often seems to stop certain conversations. They just don’t feel safe. You may think, we just can’t talk about religion. We just don’t go there. That is often a sign that you do not feel safe talking about certain things (like religion, etc). I think we often feel that way because of our own lack of curiosity and interest we have about our own partner.

We may think – “I already know how they are going to react. I already know what they are going to say.”

That is a sure sign you are not gong to be able to influence them or be influenced by them.

If you think they are not accepting your influence I guarantee it goes both ways.

If you want to be able to influence your spouse you may need to change things completely. Reach out and let’s see if coaching is the tool you need.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Here is what happened.

We were disconnected all week. Something was off.

I was pretty sure he hated me and I was not happy with me or this marriage. Almost positive it had to do with his upset over being in a MFM.

I eventually decided to be brave. I opened a conversation and asked to talk . It went poorly. We were both defensive. We were both short. We were both frustrated. I would walk away and turn away. I kept turning back towards him (physically and symbolically). I asked more questions. I leaned in. I listened. I decided to not be deterred.

It turns out he was frustrated about the house. (It is a huge project.)

All week I was taking his frustration personally. Then I was frustrated too.

It wasn’t about me. I had been telling myself a lie all week.

Here is the part that gets me every time. I had to really walk into discomfort to get to connection. So often this is the case. I had to be willing to lean in, ask questions, keep turning back around, listen and let go of my defensiveness.

Often times the conversions that are the most uncomfortable end in the best place.

It is a skill set to lean in, keep asking and to turn back over and over and over. You can develop this skill. You can change your relationship patterns. Let’s talk. Schedule a free consultation to see if coaching is what you need to strengthen your marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Many marriages are built on a hierarchical model. It works for some people to a certain extent. It provides clear roles and structures that may feel safe and familiar but it can also have some drawbacks. One drawback may be that is can stymy the growth of intimacy (deep connection, not just sex).

Let me explain what I mean.

Hierarchy is a one up one down type of position. Someone in the relationship needs to ask permission from the other or needs to get approval or someone makes the ultimate decisions. Advice my be given and received but the ultimate decision is made by one person.

This is in juxtaposition to a partnership where both jointly decide and co- parent, co-lead, co-clean, etc.

No one is the final arbiter.

Partnership can be a lot harder in the short run. It requires more communication, more openness, more self knowledge, more boundaries.

Hierarchy is harder in the long run. It can stunt development and fuel resentment.

The biggest casualty to hierarchy is intimacy. It is hard to be open and be vulnerable with someone who is not your equal partner. It is risky.

I have seen that many in a mixed faith marriage (MFM) are wanting to move from a hierarchal  model to a partnership model. This is sometimes part of the tension in a mixed faith marriage.

How to build partnership?

The first step is to choose to be a parter. Write out what that would look like. One person changing is sometimes enough.

Questions to Consider:

-How are you already acting like a partner. How are you not?

-What is the consequences of a hierarchal relationship in 5 years in 20 years?

-What is the consequences of partnership in 5 years in 20 years?

-Is there room for two in your relationship?

-Do you feel resentful or like you have to ask permission? Why?

If you are in a MFM and are tying to create an more equal partnership and need some help. Let’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I want to give you a little tip on communication.

One way to improve communication is to remove the obstacles to effective  communication.

I want to highlight one obstacle here:

I have seen mixed faith marriages where the partners see each other as morally deficient due to faith differences. What I mean by this is that you think the other person is WRONG in their faith choice and therefore not as righteous, worthy, smart, aware or educated. You may think things like:

-How could they believe that?

-They broke their promise.

-How could they support that?

-How could they choose that?

This type of thinking can be poison to a relationship. It can cause partners to show up with contempt  or derision. That never feels good to anyone. It also can completely ruin any attempt at communication.

I want to suggest that before engaging in a conversation about religion in your mixed faith marriage you clean this up. Otherwise, it is going to come across in your conversation and cause PROBLEMS. Trust me on this one.

If you want to engage in a conversation try this instead:

1. Decide what you want the outcome to look like.Maybe your intention is to be loving and supportive. Maybe it is to not try to change their mind but to seek understanding. Maybe it is to build connection.

We rarely enter a conversation hoping it ends up in a fight and disconnection, but we often end up there, so decide ahead of time where you want to go in this conversation.

2. Ask more questions.

A great approach to a conversation is to ask your partner – Help me understand _______. Tell me more about _____.

Try this out and see what happens in place of, “How can you believe that!?”

If your intention is to change their mind, expect push back.

Goals you may want to consider may be : (1) not to convince or be convinced, (2) not to judge someone as right or wrong (2) to understand, (3) to build connection, or (4) show up supportive and loving.

Need more help with this? Grab on of my free consults and let’s take some time to talk about your mixed faith marriage/faith transition and see if coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

The other day a YW leader came by to drop something off my my kids (as all YW leaders will do). We had a short but pleasant conversation and she left. Later that day I got a text from her.

She couldn’t get out of her head how I talked about my husband. She said it was one of the nicest compliments she had ever heard a wife pay a husband.

I just said he is smart. That’s it.

I was secretly  thrilled she noticed for two reasons. (1) I said it without even realizing I had said it, it was just the flow of the conversation, and (2) that is a thought I practiced A LOT in the past few years. I had been actively trying to think better about my husband.

It takes practice to be who we want to be in our marriages. it doesn’t just happen. It takes practice to stay in love with our spouse in a mixed faith marriage.

We think we will just naturally love and gush over our spouse – always.  But they are human and imperfect and they give us lots of reasons to not feel so gushy.

Throw in a mixed faith marriage and compliments do not just flow forth.

I decided to believe my husband was fantastic, smart, and handsome. I chose on purpose. I didn’t wait to be inspired to feel that way or for him to prove to me is fantastic, smart and handsome. I started to tell myself he is. I started to find evidence for it.

It took time. At first it was not my automatic thought. It was a bit strained. My shifts due to the faith transition sometimes made it challenging to see his smarts and fantastic-ness. But I was committed to the idea that he was fantastic and smart and handsome.

Over time. It became my default thinking. It became a belief. It became my truth.

When she stopped by my house and we had a 3 minute chat. That was what naturally came up and out my mouth . No effort. Only because I had invested a lot of effort.

Do you want an effortless marriage where you feel your spouse is fantastic, smart and handsome? You can have it. You create it. It won’t happen on its own. But it can happen. It takes some effort and then it became effortless.

Let me help you. I help people in a mixed faith marriage deal with the relationship shift from a faith transition. Is this you? Let’s talk. I offer a free no  obligation call to discuss your marriage. Reach out and schedule. Just Private message me and set up a time. Go to my webpage and you will see a large button to schedule a call there.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

A faith transition can mean many things for your marriage. Sometimes the transitioning  spouse will keep attending church but just not believe anymore, sometimes, they will change churches, sometimes they will become agnostic or atheist. Sometimes they will do all three!

Many people struggle with the idea of being an atheist or agnostic or having a spouse who is atheist or agnostic.

Let’s talk about some of the concerns surrounding choosing a different faith or no faith.

Attends LDS Church But Does Not Believe

This is probably part of every transitioning spouse’s experience at some point. Maybe you are still attending, maybe still holding a calling but do not subscribe to all the tenants. This was me for at least a year. I was teaching primary and just sort of coasting. I would teach somewhat modified lessons then cringe  – sorry believers -through singing time and sharing time.

Concerns – I think the transitioning spouse have the most concerns regarding this faith status. The concerns may be:

-I am not being authentic

-Maybe I can’t make this work

-This isn’t sustainable

-I don’t like this

-I am afraid to make a change

Attends Another Church After Leaving The LDS Church

Some transitioning spouse’s seek another church and find fellowship and spiritual connection in the new church.

Here are a few possible concerns/issues that could arise:

-How to deal with tithing?

-The family should attend church together  (alternate Sundays or attend both each week)

-Tug of war with the kids that could look like lobbying of the kids interest and engagement in the respective congregations.

Agnostic – claims neither belief nor disbelief in God.

The LDS church require a lot of its members. Often a transitioning spouse feels a little burned out from religion and takes a break that may last a very long time or never end. Sometimes they become agnostic.

This can be challenging to an active spouse. It is one thing to leave the LDS church and it is another to leave church altogether.

Atheist – disavows a belief in God

This used to be a bad word in my vocabulary. It was so incomprehensible. I remember my sister told me she was atheist and I has a little panic attack. This can be very painful for some spouses to learn their transitioning spouse is an atheist or considering being an atheist.

How to deal with any of these Choices and Changes

The same way we deal with any choice or change whether its a new house, new job, new baby. We adapt. We adjust. We become familiar with the unfamiliar.

I can hear you.

I can’t adapt to my spouse being an atheist, that is against all I believe.

Or maybe…

My spouse should be able to deal with this change, they are being rigid and stubborn.

I want to suggest that we cannot control our spouse’s and their choices (to stay, to leave, to believe in God or not). We can control what we make it mean and how it impacts how we show up in our marriage.

What are telling yourself about your spouse’s faith choices? Is it helping you show up gently? loving? combative? defensive? hurt? compassionate? avoidant?

When we make their choices a PROBLEM it usually means that we are not adapting. We are fighting reality. We are fighting what is actually happening in our marriage. We are making a challenging transition ever more challenging.

We are afraid that if we accept the change it means we like it or agree with it. That is NOT what it means. It just means we are not fighting against our reality. We are not trying to change and control our spouse and their decisions.

Where are you and your spouse?

What do you think about that place?

If you are struggling with that place. We should talk. Let ’s find out what is going on that is making the transition ever harder than it needs to be.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I think one of the single biggest fears we bring into our mixed faith marriage is that we are being SELFISH. This is a really bad word  in LDS lingo. It is especially bad when we are talking about marriage.

We often use a word like selfish without really having a clear understanding of what we mean and if our ideas even make sense.

So let’s take a closer look at this word and what it means and how it is impacting your mixed faith marriage.

One common definition is to put yourself (needs and wants) above others’ (needs and wants).

Many people would agree that it is a really good thing to NOT be selfish. That being unselfish is something NECESSARY for a good marriage.

We think that if we EVER take our wants and needs into consideration we are being selfish. So we put others first ALL THE TIME. Even to our own detriment. We neglect our self development, our maturation, our desires (the healthy ones that are part of being a being alive on this planet). We become a shell of a person. We forget to take care of ourselves, under the fear that we will be selfish. We become a people pleaser thinking our purpose is to help others feel good about themselves but really showing them that taking care of ourselves is selfish.

We become a doormat.

We make ourselves INFERIOR in an effort to not be selfish. We then create a relationship based on inequality. That creates resentment, frustration, unmet expectations. It is not healthy nor enjoyable (even if it feels familiar).

With that being said, I think the first definition of selfish is NOT  HELPFUL.

I suggest this definition –  when you put yourself above others because you think you are better and more important that them.

This means that we are not all equal.

I 100% agree that under this definition that it is a really good thing to NOT be selfish. That being unselfish is something NECESSARY for a good marriage.

I like to create definitions that foster equality because that fosters  true partnership.

Does it feel like your marriage is a one up and one down dynamic. Or that someone has the power and gets to call the shots?

There was a time when my husband and I both thought this about each other at the same time.

We were both trying so hard not to be selfish (under the first definition) that we became expert people pleasers – so we were both miserable and resentful of the other. (I am doing all this for you and you can’t do ___ for me) It was ironic and a bit of a farce. We were not creating equality or partnership.

We wanted to avoid marriage issues by being unselfish and ended up creating them because we are ultimately not showing up a an equal partner and at times devolved into a victim.

I consider this to be one of the not so obvious problems in mixed faith marriages.

Is this you? Are you selfish or just super afraid of being selfish?

I have a whole exercise I do with my clients around the concept of selfishness.

This is a issue that needs to be addressed to have a marriage that thrives.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Are you someone who freezes when faced with change in your marriage. Often the response to change is  – this can’t be good/right.

There is a (not uncommon) belief that we have to keep doing things the same way as before (as our parents or as we did for the first 10 years of our marriage).

AND We also believe in progression and the human development.

This presents cognitive dissonance.

Many agree that change is inherent in progression.

Many will also accept change if it is the right kind of change.

Here I want to talk about how to embrace change even if it doesn’t look like we think it should, even if it isn’t the ‘right kind’ of change.

1. It can be helpful to recognize that change is NORMAL. No-one stays the same. Just because we don’t like this particular change (or our spouse does not like it) that doesn’t necessarily make it wrong.

2. Recognize that we can handle change. We all have human bodies that are created to handle human emotion and the human experience. It takes a lot (I mean a lot) to really throw them off their game.

3. Recognize that we don’t see the whole picture yet. We don’t know the full repercussions. We don’t even know if we will like it or not. We are so quick to judge what is good and bad – but without really knowing the full impact. We are afraid that if we don’t act now it might be too late. This is fear thinking and fear acting. You can always decide again once you have more information.

Dealing with change especially the change associated with a mixed faith marriage is a skill. You can delve the skill. This is what I teach my clients .

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

 We are in the middle of a huge and extensive remodel project of our house. We have a mid century modern house that needs lots of love. I spend all my free time working on the house. This week I will be hanging furring strips in the basement while my husband is framing out the mud room area.

We are making a mess. Its dusty and its loud. My hands are black with grease from the screws. We can leave the house like it is, but it is mediocre right now and it can be AMAZING.

In many regards the house  is uglier than when we started. It looks worse. But it is not worse. This is part of the process. We have to deconstruct things to build them properly. For instance , We had to get our basement floors jackhammered to fix a water issue before putting up walls and floors so they would not just get damaged.

But I keep working on it and keep moving forward because I know it will look amazing. For example the basement has the has a walk out door wall, it has a fireplace, it has a huge gathering space, it has a pond (yes for real), it has high ceilings.  But it also has cinder blocks and old damaged wood panelling and asbestos tile from the 1950s.

I think this house is a perfect metaphor for a mixed faith marriage due to a faith transition. I believe a faith transition causes a marriage transition. Sometimes that transition is messy and chaotic and looks worse before it looks better.

Maybe the faith transition made you realize that the panelling was outdated or that there was a some water damage that needed attention. Often a faith transition exacerbates the marriage issues that were already there but ignored for whatever reason.

Now they just can’t be ignored. Its time for the remodel. Maybe you just need some fresh paint, maybe you need put in a new drainage system and pull out the jackhammer?

Ether way- know this – Yes its messy and maybe loud and maybe ugly. But can you believe the end product will be worth it? Can you believe the end product will be amazing?

Are you wiling to embrace the mess and dig into the marriage  remodel so you can have what you really want instead of just something that is mediocre?

If its time to address the marriage issues from your faith transition. We need to talk. This is what I do. I help clients rebuild  and remodel marriages impacted by a faith transition. Its messy, its chaotic but its worth it.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

 Do you keep on having the same painful conversations over and over about tithing or church history or cultural norms versus church doctrine?

Are you kind of ready for your spouse to just change their mind and get on board with what is really true?

That was me about a 1000 times in my mixed faith marriage.

I was sick of having these types of conversations- they were painful.

I was afraid it we didn’t have them I would be sticking my head in the ground or problems would fester.

I would walk away wondering:

Why couldn’t my spouse just validate me?

Why couldn’t he understand me?

Why didn’t he get me?

Why wouldn’t he support me?

What I was really asking was –  why can’t my spouse just change and think like me and feel like me?

The real problem is not seeing things differently it  is wanting to change your spouse. Wanting them to be someone different than who they are. Thinking you will be able to love them more if they changed. Believing that you would feel more validated and supported if they changed.

Let’s go back to the painful conversations around garments or coffee. The only reason they are painful is because you think your spouse is wrong and needs to change.

If you have no problem with who they are right now. Those conversations would not be nearly as uncomfortable.

What if you can view your spouse’s choices and beliefs around religion as just another part of who your spouse is and not a part of your spouse that needs to change?

You believe in Joseph Smith would mean the same as

You have a pant size of 32 32.

You choose to pay 10% of your income to the church would mean the same as working at General Motors versus Ford

I see this with my clients (and me). They want their spouse to change so they can think they have a great marriage or think their spouse is great. What if your spouse and marriage were already great? There is part of you that can find so much evidence they are great.

Stop focusing on where you want them to change and start focusing on where they are already amazing. Because they are – you married them for some reason.

This is your work. It will change your marriage. I promise.

If you want to go even deeper  – and you do because a great marriage is so fun. Reach out and let’s set up a call to find out more about your mixed faith marriage. I will walk you though a process where we look closer at your marriage and we can see if coaching is what you need to make your mixed faith marriage amazing.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com