We are in the middle of a huge and extensive remodel project of our house. We have a mid century modern house that needs lots of love. I spend all my free time working on the house. This week I will be hanging furring strips in the basement while my husband is framing out the mud room area.

We are making a mess. Its dusty and its loud. My hands are black with grease from the screws. We can leave the house like it is, but it is mediocre right now and it can be AMAZING.

In many regards the house  is uglier than when we started. It looks worse. But it is not worse. This is part of the process. We have to deconstruct things to build them properly. For instance , We had to get our basement floors jackhammered to fix a water issue before putting up walls and floors so they would not just get damaged.

But I keep working on it and keep moving forward because I know it will look amazing. For example the basement has the has a walk out door wall, it has a fireplace, it has a huge gathering space, it has a pond (yes for real), it has high ceilings.  But it also has cinder blocks and old damaged wood panelling and asbestos tile from the 1950s.

I think this house is a perfect metaphor for a mixed faith marriage due to a faith transition. I believe a faith transition causes a marriage transition. Sometimes that transition is messy and chaotic and looks worse before it looks better.

Maybe the faith transition made you realize that the panelling was outdated or that there was a some water damage that needed attention. Often a faith transition exacerbates the marriage issues that were already there but ignored for whatever reason.

Now they just can’t be ignored. Its time for the remodel. Maybe you just need some fresh paint, maybe you need put in a new drainage system and pull out the jackhammer?

Ether way- know this – Yes its messy and maybe loud and maybe ugly. But can you believe the end product will be worth it? Can you believe the end product will be amazing?

Are you wiling to embrace the mess and dig into the marriage  remodel so you can have what you really want instead of just something that is mediocre?

If its time to address the marriage issues from your faith transition. We need to talk. This is what I do. I help clients rebuild  and remodel marriages impacted by a faith transition. Its messy, its chaotic but its worth it.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

 Do you keep on having the same painful conversations over and over about tithing or church history or cultural norms versus church doctrine?

Are you kind of ready for your spouse to just change their mind and get on board with what is really true?

That was me about a 1000 times in my mixed faith marriage.

I was sick of having these types of conversations- they were painful.

I was afraid it we didn’t have them I would be sticking my head in the ground or problems would fester.

I would walk away wondering:

Why couldn’t my spouse just validate me?

Why couldn’t he understand me?

Why didn’t he get me?

Why wouldn’t he support me?

What I was really asking was –  why can’t my spouse just change and think like me and feel like me?

The real problem is not seeing things differently it  is wanting to change your spouse. Wanting them to be someone different than who they are. Thinking you will be able to love them more if they changed. Believing that you would feel more validated and supported if they changed.

Let’s go back to the painful conversations around garments or coffee. The only reason they are painful is because you think your spouse is wrong and needs to change.

If you have no problem with who they are right now. Those conversations would not be nearly as uncomfortable.

What if you can view your spouse’s choices and beliefs around religion as just another part of who your spouse is and not a part of your spouse that needs to change?

You believe in Joseph Smith would mean the same as

You have a pant size of 32 32.

You choose to pay 10% of your income to the church would mean the same as working at General Motors versus Ford

I see this with my clients (and me). They want their spouse to change so they can think they have a great marriage or think their spouse is great. What if your spouse and marriage were already great? There is part of you that can find so much evidence they are great.

Stop focusing on where you want them to change and start focusing on where they are already amazing. Because they are – you married them for some reason.

This is your work. It will change your marriage. I promise.

If you want to go even deeper  – and you do because a great marriage is so fun. Reach out and let’s set up a call to find out more about your mixed faith marriage. I will walk you though a process where we look closer at your marriage and we can see if coaching is what you need to make your mixed faith marriage amazing.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Change can be disorienting for both spouses. Here I want to talk about how to handle change whether you are the one changing or the one watching the change.

Humans love and hate change . Mostly we hate it. It can be exciting, but our brains like things to stay the same.

Our brains are wired to be efficient. Efficiency is best met when there are no changes, and the brain can rinse and repeat our many thoughts. It is work for our brains to process change. It is work to figure out how to deal with Sundays, tithing, garments, etc. It is work to figure out how to talk to each other when one spouse no longer believes. It is work to figure out how to teach kids, plan weekends and deal with religious holidays. It is work because our brains have never done it before.

It is work but it is not impossible. It may not even be hard, it is just new and our brains have to create new neural pathways to figure things out and create new patterns of thought.

A few suggestions for dealing with change.

• Let it be a bit uncomfortable. This is new. You are not familiar with everything yet. Its ok to be uncomfortable. Its ok to be a beginner.

• Know you can always change you mind. Sometimes we have to try on a few ideas before we find one that fits. It is ok to take time and try on many ideas and many new things. Sometimes we just stick to the familiar even if we don’t really like it because we just don’t want to deal with being wrong or uncomfortable. Be ok being wrong or uncomfortable. Really!

• Change is gong to happen whether  you want it to or not. It is just part of the human experience. You can fight it or you can allow it. It can help so much to know that we are just stretching our brains a little and that nothing has actually gone wrong. 

Be gentle with yourself and just keeping moving through the change. I think the human superpower is to be able to handle change with confidence and grace.

This can be your superpower. You can handle change with confidence and grace.

If you are ready to learn how to embrace the change in your marriage with confidence and grace but don’t really know how – you need a coach. 

Coaching can help you process your emotions around the mixed faith marriage, make decisions and accept what is happening. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

It is not uncommon you and me to blame our partners for our emotions and and not take responsibility for them. This is pretty typical in a Mormon mixed faith marriage (MFM). Let me give you examples of both and walk you through how this plays out in your MFM.

Blame: when we assign how we feel to what others say or do.

Sometimes we blame our spouse – They refuse to get help, so I can’t help this improve (and must therefor feel bad about my marriage).

Sometimes we blame the church –  The church is hurting families with their teaching around MFMs (and must therefore feel bad about my family).

Sometimes we blame ourselves – I can’t believe I let this happen (and must therefore feel bad about what I did to cause this to happened).

Blame is painful. It means someone is WRONG.  If someone/something else is wrong you become the victim. If someone causes you pain it means we are powerless over your emotional experience.  If you are wrong it may cause you to hide and withdraw. Either way blame usually causes you to stop showing up in your marriage in helpful or powerful ways.

You are often reactive in blame, you throw tantrums or you feel stuck.

Responsibility : when you take ownership for your thoughts, feelings and actions.

Taking responsibility means you get to decide how you feel. You can choose to be angry or sad or whatever, you see it as our choice. You understand emotions happens because of what you are telling yourself about a circumstance not because of the circumstance. You recognize that others cannot get in our body and cause emotions those are caused by what you think about others, church or yourself.

This matters because having ownership gives you authority and control.  It gives you the power to change things if you want.

Change (or at least deliberate, conscious change) can only happy from a place of responsibility NEVER from a place of blame.

Where are you blaming in your MFM?

Where are you taking responsibly for your thoughts, feelings and actions?

When I was able to get really honest with myself and see that I was responsible for how I was showing up in my MFM, then I was able to start to decide to do things differently.

Here is an example-

Many blame the church for putting families in tough positions  and teaching that a faith transition is a problem and something disruptive to the family and marriage.

By blaming the church you focus on things you cannot change . (Neither you or I can change the church and what is said in sacrament meeting or general conference.) All your energy and strength is consumed trying to change somethings you cannot change.

When you take responsibility  for how you are showing up in your marriage then you have power to change and improve things. Responsibility prompts questions like – How I am disrupting my marriage (an I hiding or withdrawing)? How am I believing that a faith transition is disruptive and negative (am I feeling like a victim and acting like one?). This kind of  ownership creates empowerment and helps to find solutions that  cannot be seen from a place of blame.

Sometimes we cannot see what we are doing. We are too deep in our own stuff. It can make a huge difference to get some outside perspective and help us see when we are blaming and not taking responsibility. If you are ready to take a look and get really honest.

Let’s talk.

Coaching is powerful and transformative if you are ready to step into responsibility. I am here to help.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com