Anxiety

Pretty common emotion these days. It seems to be a pandemic equal to the Corona virus, or worse. it is also very common in a mixed faith marriage. We are anxious about the unknown future or how to deal with this “new normal” of a mixed faith marriage.

Our thoughts and how we manage our mind is directly correlated to our anxiety.

Add on top of normal life anxiety things like general conference coffee, alcohol, garments, Sunday attendance and anxiety can easily surface and feel out of control.

How to deal with it?

  1. Recognize it is just an emotion. This means it is something you are feeling in your body. You are not going to die from anxiety (at least not today). Our brains and body want us to think we are going to die if we don’t do something drastic NOW.

  2. Getting worked up, ignoring it, pushing against it, all make it worse.

  3. Quietly watch it. Think of it as a exhibit in a museum, it is not dangerous or threatening, it is just something to watch and observe.

  4. Deep breathes. Sound cliche, but it works. One after the other. For as long as it takes.

  5. Accept that anxiety is a part of life. It is a human emotion and you are a human. It need not be a problem. Having anxiety is NOT a problem. It is the human condition. Anxiety need not stop you from functioning or moving forward with your life.

Is anxiety your constant companion? Is it preventing you from functioning in the way you want in your life and marriage? Are you in a pattern of ignoring it or resisting it?

If you answer yes, to any of these, we need to talk. Coaching is a fantastic tool to use to help mitigate and manage anxiety. I know I have done that in my life and you can do it in yours.

Brooke Booth

Certified Life Coach

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME!

Perspective

My husband and I walk the dog in the neighborhood. Just around the block is a pretty good sized pine tree. The other day as we were passing this tree he commented on how beautiful it was. I was confused. It looked terrible to me. All I could see was the blight. This tree got me thinking about perspective. For my husband this tree was genuinely beautiful. He liked the shape, he liked the size and its majesty. For me, I was noticing the brown needles and lack of green needles. It looked half dead. He was attracted and I was repelled.

We were having opposite experiences with the tree AND we were both right. We were both noticing different aspects and characteristics. This is very similar to how we view the church. He sees an organization he loves that is beautiful, large and majestic. I see the decay and disease. Again we are both right.

He may not care about the brown needles, they do not concern him. I may not care about the shape, it may not concern me.

We are both correct in our view and perspective. We both choose to see the same object very differently. AND we can still enjoy our walk in the neighborhood, enjoy our marriage and enjoy our life together.

I can point out the dead limbs and he can point our the large size. It doesn’t matter. The key is the know that everyone has valid thoughts and feelings and opinion. They are not wrong. They are not a problem. It is just a different perspective.

What if we could look at our mixed faith marriage and not see it as a problem? What if we could look at our spouse’s faith (or lack of faith) and not see it as a problem? What would this change for you?

 I teach mindset work on relationships that can change everything in a mixed faith marriage. If their perspective is OK and yours is OK then it is so much easier to come up with real solutions that work for everyone.

Are you ready to welcome solutions into your mixed faith marriage instead of just focusing on the problems? You need a coach. I am here help. I am accepting clients for one on one coaching right now.

Just click on the following link to schedule a FREE, no obligation call where we can talk about your mixed faith marriage and how coaching can help.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE  A FREE CALL!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

Processing Emotions

Have you every been in a conversation with you spouse and you pretty much just say all the wrong things in the worst way possible? You may even go into it wanting to be kind and open, but it just goes south?

Afterwards you can think of other ways to have communicated in a kinder, clearer way. But in the moment is was a train wreck.

If you are in a mixed faith marriage, I am guessing this has happened A LOT. Maybe around truth claims, general conference or teaching children.

I have been there. I have been known to joke with my husband that I have the gift of saying just the “right” (read wrong) thing.

There is a simple solution to this.  Process your emotion.

When we loose it in the middle of a conversation it is because we have become flooded with emotion. When we are in an emotional state our brains stop working in a logical way. They basically turn off. We may have had a plan, but once we are flooded with shame, fear, defensiveness, sadness or anger that plan is out the window.

The BEST thing to do when in an emotion is to FEEL it. This is NOT a time to problem solve or plan.

Feeling emotions is simple. Just feel the feeling in your body. Describe it. Allow it to be there. Do not rush yourself or the process.

These skill is not frivolous or unnecessary. Processing emotions is MANDATORY if you want to master your reactions and responses. It is MANDATORY if you want to show up lovingly in your marriage . If you have unprocessed pain or anger it will pop up when you are not well equipped to handle it. If you process it, it just passes and does not crop up when you want to be kind and compassionate.

This is one of critical skills I teach my clients. If you are ready to learn some marriage saving skills. We need to talk. I offer a free call to anyone who wants to go through a powerful process to evaluate your mixed fatih marriage. It is challenging but revealing. Email me and we can set up a free call this week.

Or CLICK HERE to schedule a free call with me.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

Shoulds

There is a Brene Brown quote I love – “Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are.”

When my faith transition hit it caused so much confusion and shame. This was NOT how things were supposed to happen. This was NOT supposed to happen to our marriage and family. This was NOT what I wanted to have to deal with.

All of these ‘should’ thoughts caused me a great deal of suffering. They also kept me in the problem focused mode. I was fixated on the problems. What about tithing? What about garments? What about a temple marriage in 20 years for one of our kids?

When I could let go of the fear and drama around what was NOT supposed to be happening and just accept what was happening then things started to improve.

I believe the improvement came because of the ability to change my focus from the problem to the solution. Letting go of what was NOT supposed to be happening and accepting what was happening helped me shift from the problem to the solution.

I teach my clients a communication tool that helps with focusing on solutions instead of problems

Difficult Communication Exercise:

1. Let go of the need to be right, or prove your point.

2. Start with “What are you thinking about (insert topic)?” Fully hear your

partner. Note: You don’t get this luxury and that is OK.

3. Re-state the facts that you can both agree on.

4. Reduce the issue to one statement:

• You are making the facts mean:_______________________

• I am making these facts mean: _______________________

5. Now only talk about the solution. Do not discuss the problem, this is very

tempting, only discuss possible solutions. You will be surprised how much

easier it is to find solutions when discussing the problem is off the table.

One reason this exercise is so helpful is because of the 5th step – ONLY talk about the solution. We are very much used to taking about the problem and all the ins and outs of the problem. We are much less practiced in only taking about the solution. Try it. Its fascinating and difficult but ultimately really helpful.

Ready to focus on solutions? Ready to let go of the problem mindset? Ready to stop fighting against your reality? Your marriage ? Your spouse?

I am a life coach who helps Mormons in a mixed faith marriage. This is my jam. Let’s talk about your mixed faith marriage. I offer a free call where we can discuss where you are in your marriage, where you want to be and how to get your there. There is a way forward.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

What Ifs

A faith transition can change our close relationships dramatically. So often our relationships are intertwined in our religious practices and when we try to extricate the religion part, the relationship has to shift and readjust.

This is super scary, it often causes what I call the ‘what if’’ spiral.

I want to make a change in my religious practices because of my shifting beliefs BUT:

What if he leaves, what if he hates me, what if my mom rejects me, what if I am wrong, what if I am right, what if this never gets better, what if my kids get screwed up, what if ….?

We get in this cycle and it loops and loops. We do NOT like any of the answers our brain give us. They will leave, they will be hurt, they will not understand, they will be upset, they will be messed up.

Is it any surprise that we tip toe around church issues and that we do not make any changes? Is it any surprise that we do not share what is going on, or that we pretend everything is fine? Maybe we continue to try to fit our round self into a square hole just to avoid the WHAT IFs. We stay stuck. We do not change. We maintain the status quo.

We are essentially afraid to face an unknown. We don’t really know how they will respond or react. We THINK we know – maybe we are right and maybe we are wrong. We are still too afraid to really find out the truth about them and ourselves.

We don’t want to know the truth about their love (is it conditional or unconditional?)

-Do they love me or just the role I fulfill for them?

We don’t want to know the truth about ourselves.

-Will  I have my back?

-Can I love me without the validation of others?

-Can I face rejection?

We also do not give them or ourselves a chance to show up.

We do not give our loved ones a chance to show their love.

We play small, and ask them to play small in this relationship.

Here are some alternative WHAT IFs to consider:

What if this helped us grow closer?

What if this created more connection?

What if this helped me develop more confidence and self respect.

What if this made my life better?

Are you stuck in scary what ifs? Are you looking for some help to move forward? I am here to help. It can be essential to have someone looking over your shoulder and helping you see where you are getting in your own way and sabotaging your own marriage and happiness. That is what I am here for. Let’s connect.

Just click on this link to sign up for a free, no obligation call where we can have a real conversation about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

Stress

Stress – what you feel when you think you cannot have what you want or need.

Lot’s of people in a mixed faith marriage would agree their marriage is stressful.

It might be because you are thinking:

I need more understanding from my spouse. (You are thinking I do not get enough understanding, they refuse to understand and this causes stress).

The church has caused me so many problems. (You are thinking – I need a life not impacted by the church.) As this is most likely Impossible, it hurts and causes stress.

The feeling of stress is caused by the thought you have (I need more …. I don’t have enough…. I should ….) It is NOT caused by your circumstances (existence of church, spouse refusing to listen to podcast or read article).

If it were caused by the church then everyone would feel the SAME about the church. This is NOT TRUE. You own marriage shows you that!

Your stress is not caused by your circumstance it is caused by your thought about your circumstance.

If you are stressed, it is because of what you are thinking about (church, relationship, mixed faith marriages, faith transition, etc)

What are you thinking? Is it helping you? How do you want to feel?

If you are always telling yourself you are stressed out  or your marriage is hard  or this is not working – What is that going to lead to? Most likely, you will find evidence of how you are always stressed out  or how your marriage is so hard.

Do you do this? Is there a lot of stress surrounding your relationship? Is it hurting your relationship or just making you exhausted? You can change all that. 

Coaching is all about mind management and how your mindset really creates your reality (like your stress level). If you are ready to create a new mind set and solve your stress once and for all, we need to talk.

Click here to schedule a free call with me. We will have a real conversation about your mixed faith marriage and your level of stress.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

Loneliness

Its sadly ironic that loneliness can be a chronic problem in a mixed faith marriage.

A believing spouse may be lonely attending church  and church activities alone.

A non believing spouse may be lonely without the community or belonging in a group – even if it a group of 2 (the marriage). It can feel lonely to not have your beliefs accepted.

You may be:

Lonely in believing or in not believing

Lonely in parenting / teaching

Lonely in conversations

Loneliness can be compounded by certain beliefs.

-We should be together for _____(Sundays, church, meal time, )

-We should be on the same page here.

Not feeling safe to talk can also be create the feeling of loneliness.

Talking about the church may be like walking on eggshells.

-I don’t feel safe taking about church with my spouse.

-I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

-I can’t talk to my spouse about this.

Here are some things to consider if you are feeling lonely in your mixed faith marriage:

1. What are you making it mean that you feel lonely? Is it a problem? Why is it a problem? Loneliness doesn’t have to be a problem, it can be a normal part of a transition.

2. Notice when you are lonely – is it a certain time of the week? Is it after certain conversations? Is there a pattern? Often we find we are in a pattern of loneliness. For example: I noticed I feel lonely most often when we are actually together but in disagreement over teaching the kids.

It can be helpful to notice the pattern so that you can do something about it, it brings it into the conscious level instead of letting it lurk in the “unknown.”

3.  CONNECTION – Loneliness is basically the lack of connection. Focus on building connection instead of on your loneliness. How have you created connection before? What have you said or done that helped create connection? Do that agin. Try something new. Take responsibility for your connection or lack of it instead of blaming your spouse or the church.

We like to blame the other for our loneliness, but that only causes us to feel more disempowered and usually more LONELY.

Lonely in your relationship? Want connection, but not really sure where to even begin? Does it feels like the gulf is just too big? Is it just too scary? Not safe? Let’s talk. This is exactly what I help my clients with. I can help you, there is a solution here.

Just click on this link to sign up for a free, no obligation call where we can have a real conversation about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

Ups and Downs of a Mixed Faith Marriage

I live in Michigan. The weather is a permanent topic of conversation. The weather can be such an emotional roller coaster. Last weekend it was 60 degrees, now is is 35 degrees.

I think mixed faith marriages can feel a lot like this (at least like the weather  in Michigan). We may have a GREAT weekend were the marriage feels like a spring day, full of hope and promise, just like the 60 degree day last weekend. Then one week later we are both hurt and confused. In essence it is snowing (again) and spring is gone and summer feels like a joke.

Sometimes it feels like spring is slow in coming, and sometimes it is. Sometimes there are a lot of snow storms.

What if this wasn’t a problem but just part of the “season” of life?

When I fight the weather, it doesn’t help change the weather. I have learned the same thing happens in our marriage. Getting upset that we are still figuring out our mixed faith marriage does nothing to actually help the mixed faith marriage.

It is so interesting how I make a spring snow storm feel terrible. I also make a disagreement over church feel terrible.

We may not have any power over the snow or over if we are in a mixed faith marriage but we do have so much power over our choice to fight it or accept it. Whether we see it as a problem or just the weather.

I help my clients reframe so much of their thinking around their mixed faith marriage. When they are able to do this, it opens them up to so many solutions and ideas that they just were not able to access before .

When we are fighting against what is happening in our life, we will always loose.

If this is you. We need to talk. You may not like snow in April, but that does’t mean it needs to be a problem. You may not have chosen a mixed faith marriage but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great marriage.

Let’s arrange for a free call where we can talk about your mixed faith marriage and see if we can’t figure out how to make it great.

Talk to you soon,

CLICK HERE to schedule a Free call with me.
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

What is the impact of feeling stuck and disempowered in your mixed faith marriage? 

What is the impact of feeling stuck and disempowered in your mixed faith marriage?

Do you think of the challenges in your marriage as insurmountable or impossible?

Do you think:

-This isn’t worth it

-This will be too hard.

-I don’t know what to do.

-This can’t work.

These thoughts are going to cause you a lot of marriage problems. Let me explain.

All marriages have issues and things that need to be worked through. You can dread doing the work or you can accept it and even find some level of interest in it.

When we avoid challenges or think we do not like them we are doing ourselves a disservice. Life is a series of challenges. They are the parts that actually make life interesting. They make life worth living. They are the part that take our creativity and compassion.

Next time you have a challenge in your marriage. Tell yourself – Nothing has gone wrong here. This is just part of being married and being a human with a spouse. I can handle this.

See what is different this time.

It may not be “easier” but it may be more fun or least more like a puzzle and less like a torture chamber.

Is it time to look at your mixed faith marriage and its inherent challenges differently?

As a life coach I help my clients to deal with their challenges in a way that does not deplete them or the relationship.

Lets talk. I offer free calls to those who need help with their mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

My story – Part 1 or 2

My story – Part 1 or 2

Like so many of you, I was born and raised LDS and my family had all been LDS for generations. I loved being Mormon. It made me feel special. I was a serious student of religion and was very careful to be obedient and follow not just the spirit of the law, but also the letter of the law.

My motivation was that I really wanted to be happy and safe. I believed the world was a dangerous place and that the only way to be really happy was to follow the straight and narrow, so I did.

I earned all the recognitions, attended all the activities and kept all the rules.

When I was in my mid to late 30s I started to seriously wonder why I was not happy. I did everything right. I went to BYU, served a mission, married in the temple. My husband was bishop. I taught early morning seminary. I had four kids and stayed home with them. Where was the happiness? Why was I so discontent? Why did I kind of hate my life?

I started to consider going to back to work. I had earned my law degree before having my kids and had always wanted to pursue that (but told myself I should stay home with the kids).

I found a job and started working after 10 years of staying at home.

It was SUPER SCARY. There was so much guilt and shame and at the same time –  DEFIANCE. I knew that how I was living my life was basically that quiet desperation kind of living and it had to end.

I loved working. I loved using my intellectual capacity beyond reinventing gospel topics and a lesson.

I started to see other areas where maybe the church wasn’t teaching things that ultimately helped me be “happy.”

I then had my feminist awakening and that changed EVERYTHING.

I had always considered myself a feminist or sorts. I was teaching institute at this time and I brought it up a handful of times in class. This landed me in a meeting with a member of the stake presidency who was concerned about this and he also discussed how I needed to focus the class more on the young men preparing for missions. This did not settle well with me and I was promptly released.

Eventually, I decided that the in order to be in integrity with myself and my values, I needed to step away from church.

It was really intense and scary and there were so many uncertainties, but I felt like it was the best decision for me.

I felt really good about my decision and that I was even led by God throughout the whole process. However, it was excruciating for my husband. He claims to have been blindsided and was deeply upset over my choice.

I knew that the church has served me well and at the same time felt hurt and betrayed. I would describe my relationship as bitter sweet with the church. I know it does no much good, and know it is not perfect too.

The marriage was another issues. Religion was interwoven into the fabric of my marriage. I was unsure of how to move forward.

It kind of felt like I had jumped from the frying pan in to the fire. The faith transition seems to have calmed down and I had clarity about my beliefs and now how to deal with the mixed faith marriage?

What about family, judgment, friends, family reunions, kids, temple weddings in 10 years, coffee, garments? I was paralyzed by it all.

Does this sound like you? Or your spouse?

I eventually figured out the mixed faith marriage thing. It took time, effort, love, and a few tears, but it worked!

I can say today my marriage is better than ever.

Next week I will tell you more how we navigate those waters.

In the meantime reach and and set up a call to talk with me. Coaching is a tool that works for mixed faith marriages. I offer a free call and we can go through a simple exercise to learn more about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach