Walking on Eggshells

I have heard from my clients that if feels like they are walking on eggshells when it comes to talking about religion in their marriage. I know I have  experienced this myself. 

If seems like certain topics are not on the table, unless you want a confrontation or to alienate your spouse. It feels like a tenuous truce that may snap at any time if the wrong thing is said or in the wrong way. It is just safer to not say anything at all. 

At the same time not talking about it is almost just as painful as talking about it. – What are they thinking? I really need to hash this out. Do they hate me? Did I mess this up? 

What to do if you are smack in the middle of the walking on eggshell phase of your mixed faith marriage?  

-Accept this is what your marriage is like today. Often we think our marriage should be a perpetual honeymoon. We should be always be passionately in love. Why? This often causes us so much frustration when we have normal days or normal periods of life when things are just normal. Or even worse when things are challenging we KNOW something is wrong with our marriage. What if it was just the hard part of a still good marriage? (Even really good marriages have hard parts, really hard parts). 

– Listen. Often we really want to talk in this phase, We want them to get us and hear us and validate us. What if you got some courage gathered together and asked them what was going on and then just listened and really sought to understand without judgment  and without fear. This can be challenging as it feels like what they are saying directly impacts you and your happiness. Just take a breath and listen to them. You can worry about the worries later. 

– Decide to offer love no matter what. The eggshell period is full of perceived rejections and a general lack of reaching out. We withdraw and amor up and do not reach out to connect. It probably feels very risky to reach out. What if you were to do it anyway? What if you were to reach from courage and reach at again and again, even in the face of rejection? Notice if you are pulling back and hunkering down and reach out instead. 

Are you in the eggshell period? Don’t know what to do? Maybe it feels like you might be here forever? We must talk –  I can help. There is no need to be in your own marriage purgatory, there is a way through. I have been there and I know there is a way out.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

How to stay together when you don’t go to church together

I was raised being taught that it is better to marry someone in your religion. It is better to go to church together. It is better to be on the same page regarding religion. 

We didn’t even date non members in my family of origin. So when I was going through my faith transition it was a sticky point to not go to church together. Did this mean we were failing a couple? As a family? Were we causing damage? In any event I was sure  – This MUST be a problem. 

My clients have also expressed the belief that the family should go to church together. 

Together we look at this belief. Is it true? Is it helping your family be stronger and more loving? For some families it is. It does help create connection and support. For other families it does not. In fact it creates frustration and disconnection. There is no one size fits all when it comes to marriage and especially mixed faith marraiges. 

Let me offer an analogy. Like me you may have been offered the idea  that the recipe for a healthy marriage is to go to church together. This is a great recipe for some to follow exactly. Others need less cinnamon or more salt to make it work for their family. Others need to use a totally different recipe all together. 

How to stay together if you don’t’ go to church together – 

1. Allow your family to make the best decision for your family. 

 It doesn’t have to look the same as your neighbors. Make sure it works for your family 

2. You can’t force anyone to go or not go to . So stop trying. Respect and love is allowing others to make their own decisions. 

3. Be honest with yourself and have your back about what works for you. 

If you really don’t like attending , or you really do,  that is your valid option. So many problems arise when we people please (attend or don’t attend based on our spouse’s preference and not our own and then get resentful for all we do in this relationship!) People pleasing will cause more damage than honestly any day of the week. Be honest and have you back . 

Are you questioning your ability to stay together if you don’t go to church together. I want to tell you you can. You may need help figuring exactly how to do it, but you can do it. I can help. Let’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

COST of Doing Nothing

For so many of us – Nothing is more important than our family and the core of that family is our  marriage. It is perhaps the single most important relationship in our life. 

Think of the impact on your marriage when you struggle, fight and don’t connect. What is the impact in 1 year, 5 years, or 10 years?

So many people struggle in their mixed faith marriage. They suffer. They think the can figure it out or it will resolve in its own. Maybe it does but at what cost? Sometimes that cost is months or years of struggle.  

Often people don’t reach out for help because they are afraid. 

-Afraid that they won’t get the help they need and they will  waste money and waste time.

-Afraid they can’t be helped. That their marriage is not “helpable.” 

-Afraid that they can’t do it without their spouse. 

Fear of failure can stop us from getting help at all. 

What if you can really have a great mixed faith marriage? 

What if things can really get better?

What might be the long term impact of woking on your marriage instead of just hoping it will get better? What will be the impact in 1 years, 5 years, or 10 years? 

What is the cost of doing nothing? What is the potential benefit of doing something? 

Sometimes it takes so much courage to reach out and ask for help. Courage is the necessary first step before capability and confidence can show up in your mixed faith marriage. 

Are you staying stuck in fear and worry? Are you looking at the short term fears and not the long term benefits and gains of really investing in your marriage end your family? 

If it time to do more. Reach out. Coaching is powerful. It is life changing. It is not for the faint of heart. It is for the committed and the willing. Let’s talk. Your marriage is worth it. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Fear

Fear

This is such a powerful emotion. It arises a lot in my life and mostly about my future. 

-Will this mixed faith marriage work?

-Am I doing enough? Too Much? Am I hurting them (kids, husband)

  • Can we do really make this work?

  • What if he leaves?

  • Is it worth it?

These are all fear based thoughts that pose as innocent questions. When you find your mind full of questions take a minute and ANSWER them.

-I am afraid this mixed faith marriage won’t work.

-I am afraid I am not doing enough.

-I am afraid I am doing too much

-I am afraid I am hurting them.

-I am afraid we can’t rally make this work.

-I am afraid he will leave.

-I am afraid it won’t be worth it.

Often when I find myself or my clients find themselves in these thoughts it’s paralyzing. Most often fear causes us to stop thinking clearly. We start reacting out of fear and that behavior is often NOT helpful to our marriage. Fear is often at the root of angry outbursts, sulks, and snark.

For example, when I am afraid my mixed faith marriage won’t work I may start people pleasing my husband. I may do a TON of things for him and them get RESENTFUL when he does not notice or when it doesn’t help the marriage improve. Then I get mean or just cold.

Fear is so powerful because sometimes we don’t even realize we are in it. We don’t realize that it has taken over and that we are at the effect of fear. Especially when we are people pleasing (it often looks kind of nice – at least at first).

I teach my clients to be ok with fear. Of course you are afraid, your marriage is super important to you and this is a big change. Fear is going to be part of this.

But it doesn’t have to lead the way and it doesn’t have to impact how you choose to show up. You can be afraid and still act kind. You can be afraid and still be present.

If fear is in the driver’s seat of your mixed faith marriage let’s talk. Fear is not going anywhere, but it doesn’t need to be in charge.

Are you ready for some one on one coaching to really get this figured out? Are you tired of fear making all the decisions in your marriage  Reach out and let’s talk and see if coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Decision Making

Two things are commonly agreed to challenge a marriage: mixed faith and remodeling. We are doing both.

Decision making is paramount in both. Making BIG decisions is paramount in both.

I used to HATE making decisions with my husband. I felt like I had to make all the decision and that he wasn’t talking responsibility. I also felt like he had all the power and I had to decide within very limited parameters. It wasn’t fun and many decisions felt like a grind and were avoided. I remember at the beginning of my faith transition I wanted us to make decisions about all the changes I wanted to implement. But using our old pattens of decision making was painful at best.

Many of my clients come to me and tell me that decision making is a real challenge in their relationship. What to do about Sunday attendance is usually a big one. How to deal with telling family members. How to deal with teaching the kids. And on and on.

Decision making tips:

  • Get clear on what your preferences are. So often we go into a decision making process with our spouse having NO IDEA what we want. We are stumbling around and then its should be no surprise that we struggle with the decision making process. Other times we do not have our back about our preference. We think it is selfish or wrong and again it should be no surprise that the whole process becomes painful.

  • Identify the emotion driving your choice. This one is KEY. If you decide to keep attending church because you are afraid of what the ward members will say you are making the decision based on fear. Do you like this reason? If you decide to keep attending church because you find value in the community and enjoy those interactions you may be making this decision based on connection. Do you like this reason? When we can see the emotion driving our choice the best decision often becomes clear.

  • Be willing to understand your spouse. I used to come into decision making process like a boxing match. I was defensive and would have an agenda. Listening to my spouse and his viewpoint was not on my agenda. Convincing him of my viewpoint was often the focus. Showing up willing to understand opens up the door to being understood in return.

Decision making is skill and it CAN be improved . You do not need to keep repeating poor decision making habits. You can change. If decision making painful for you a faith transition can make it 10X worse. Let’s talk and clean up how you make decisions in your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

People Pleasing

People don’t always associate people pleasing with a mixed faith marriage. People pleasing can run rampant in these types of marriages.

People pleasing happens when we try to control what others think about us. We so want them to love us, accept us that we ultimately pretend to be someone we are not. We try to be who we think they want us to be.

We talk in certain ways, dress in certain ways and do certain things on Sundays just so they like and accept us.

We conform ourselves to be the perfect wife or perfect husband and do not show up as ourselves. When they do not appreciate us and all we do to make them happy we get resentful. (After all I do for you – for this family – for this marriage).

People pleasing is a form on lying. We are not being honest with our spouse about who we are and what we want. We are not being honest with our self about who we are and what we want.

I’ll go to church with you if that is what you want – when underneath – you really don’t want to go.

I’ll go with you to your new church if that is what you want – when underneath – you really don’t want to go.

It is ok to do something you don’t want to do. But are you doing it so they will like you or are you doing it as a gift of love? There can be a fine line. One causes resentment and one does not. One is honest and one is not.

What would happen if you just decided to show up as yourself?

Sometimes we think that it would mean we would be BAD. We would be mean and lazy and selfish. Is that really true? If we stop trying to be what we think others want us to be  it means we will be ourselves. Period.

When we show up as ourselves we give our spouse the opportunity to have a relationship with us (the real person versus the pretend person ).

When we show up as ourselves we don’t have to pretend to like something or someone. We don’t have to put on an act. We don’t have to twist ourselves into positions that doesn’t fit us.

When we show up as ourselves we learn the truth about ourselves and about those close to us. It can be scary, and it can be valuable information. Others may not like you. Can you handle that? Do you like you?

If you need help dealing with people pleasing in your marriage I can help. If you find yourself resentful because they just don’t appreciate all you do – that is people pleasing. Let’s talk and find a better way to interact in your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Will this ever get better? 

There was a point in my mixed faith marriage when I was sure that it was never going to get better. I was sure we were stuck in our mixed faith purgatory. We were both committed , but in a grim sort of, “we have come this far and invested this much we have to stay” sort of way.

It felt stuck. It felt heavy. If felt like enduring and not enjoying.

But that changed. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.

Today it feels exciting. It feels interesting. It feels like connection.

What happened?

I changed.

I changed me.

I changed how I thought  about me, my faith, my husband, my husband’s faith and much more. I did the work.

Guess what happened when I changed and felt differently. I started to act differently. I started to speak differently. I started to interpret my husband’s behavior differently. I started to relax a little and enjoy a little more. I started to reach out even if I was scared, even if I was rejected, I would still reach out.

My husband changed too. I can’t deny it, but he didn’t need to. Me changing was enough. I sometimes wonder if he changed because I changed the steps in our relationship dance. Maybe.

How are you feeling today about your mixed faith marriage? Be honest.

You don’t have to feel that way forever. BUT it won’t change on its own. If you keep doing what you are currently doing, you will keep getting what you currently have. You can change it. I can help.

Let’s talk

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I am ruining everything. 

I am ruining everything.

This can be a common refrain for those who have

It may prompt the following:

I don’t know what to do.

I am afraid I will choose wrong.

What if I mess everything up?

What if I am wrong

xWhat if i am right?

“I am ruining everything,” is going to create shame. It implies you are wrong.

When I am in shame, I act defensive, I lash out, I avoid, I disengage, I sulk, I find fault, I blame.

NONE of which actually helps me or my marriage.

When a clients presents with the belief that they are ruining everything I ask:

What if you are ruining everything? What does that even mean?

is is true? What exactly are you ruining?

Is there another way to look at this? Is this how everyone in a faith transition views it?

What else might be possible?

Instead of believing “I am ruining everything,” I encourage them to consider the following:

I am creating a new way of thinking about this.

I am exploring other options

I am trying to understand me better

I am willing to ask hard questions

When I tell myself I am willing to ask hard questions I do not feel shame, I feel determined. When I am determined I show up differently in my marriage then when I am feeling shame. I may be willing to try new communication techniques or seek help or be willing to talk about hard topics.

This creates a completely different result from shame.

So you can tell yourself, “I am ruing everything,” or you can tell yourself something else like “I am willing to ask hard questions” – it is up to you.

Are you ready to give up the belief that you are ruining everything in your mixed faith marriage. You need a life coach. Together we will create a whole new way of looking at your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com


PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

I am right and they are wrong

There is a problem that many people have that causes them to be miserable, especially in their marriage.

They think they are right and their spouse is wrong.

This is usually the single biggest issues in a mixed faith marriage.

It is so challenging because both truly believe they are right, and are therefore justified in their conviction and in the need to change their spouse’s mind. After all they want their spouse to be right to.

When we get in this way of thinking it may present as not being willing to listen to your spouse and their opinion. If a certain topic is “off limits” or “we just don’t go there” it is often because  of this type of thinking. Maybe you haven’t really discussed religion for months (or years). Maybe you don’t discuss church history, temple, or whatever is the sore area.

We usually refuse to listen to the others opinions and viewpoint so we don’t have to feel upset and defensive.

I think it is important to ask:

Why does someone having anther opinion mean that I have to be upset and defensive?

Why is there the need to eliminate other’s opinions so I don’t get upset?

Why is is hard to hear my spouse’s ideas?

Why is it hard to be with someone who doesn’t share my religious beliefs?

Can you allow for your spouse’s opinions and thoughts and ideas?

When this happens I suggest to my clients that just listening and trying to understand is not the same as agreeing. You can listen and disagree. You can disagree and stay with them. You can disagree and love them fully. You can disagree and fully respect them.

When we refuse to listen and fully understand we are saying – I don’t want to know you and I don’t want to know your experience and I don’t want to know what is true for you – only what is true for me. Really knowing someone is the deepest form of intimacy.

They funny thing is that when you understand it is so much easier to love and be with your spouse . When your spouse sees that you are truly interested and truly seeking to understand then you have influence. When you are only trying to change and convince your ability to influence is significantly diminished.

Are you triggered by disagreements? Do you make it mean there is something wrong with your marriage and wrong with your spouse? Do you avoid certain topics because they are too sensitive?

Let’s talk. This is some of the best work to do. Creating a marriage based on similarities is a myth. We are all different and differences are not a problem.. Reach out to me and let’s set up a time to talk about your mind faith marriage. I offer a few free calls each month. We can see together if coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com


PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

I loved you more when you were active

A faith transition can change the balance in a marriage. It can “mess up” roles and expectations and schedules and traditions. It can show us where we are accepting our spouse when they act in a certain way and rejecting them when they act in other ways. It can show us the conditions we place of love and acceptance in our marriage.

You may find yourself having marriage issues – even when we had relatively smooth sailing before the faith transition.

Often the issue is that you are now placing conditions on offering your partner love and acceptance.

-I loved you when you were active – but this inactivity means I can’t love you as much.

-I loved you when you were willing to listen to my questions but not wanting to talk about church means I can’t love you as much.

We want our spouse to change back or change with us so that things can go back to “normal.”

We want to be able to fall back into our old relationship patterns (even if they were not healthy – because they were familiar).

What if you just allowed your spouse to be who they are – no need to change, no need to tweak or alter or modify. What if they were perfect just as they are?

What comes up for you?

How do you want them to approach you? Do you want them to change  you? How would you feel if they just loved you exactly as you are right now?

It is magic when you can learn to accept and love someone as they are. Problems evaporate. They don’t need to get me, speak differently, or choose differently. I can love them for them. PERIOD. It gives you so much freedom to love without judgment.

If there is truly something that is not acceptable – them you can address that AND still love them. You can approach problems from a place of love and acceptance of that person.

This may sound cute – but it really changes everything. Try it. See what happens.

If its time to learn how to really practice unconditional love and not just want to practice unconditional love its time we had a talk and see if coaching is a good fit for you. Reach out and schedule a free call. I only offer a few each month.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com


PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.