In your marriages you may find you want to be able to influence your spouse. To be a someone they listen to and respect and whose opinion they consider.

When I say influence I do not mean manipulate. I mean being able to create an environment where you welcome sharing, openness and safety.

My husband has expressed his concern over this. He has been frustrated that I listen to my mom, my sisters and not so much to him  (especially regarding my faith transition).

If you are trying to influence your spouse or have had similar frustrations  there is a sure fire way to close off our ability to influence.

We close off our influential abilities when we convince, judge, or become defensive.

It closes the influence door so fast.

Let me explain.

Consider their point of view – If someone feels like their spouse isn’t listening to them, getting them, doesn’t like them and their choices, or only becomes defensive when they try to have an honest conversation, that often prevents them from wanting to share and receive influence and ideas.  It may cause them to run and hide and find someone else to talk to.

The best way to create influence in your marriage is to be open, willing to listen, and allow then to be who they are without judgment.

When someone feels fully appreciated and seen, it is the natural response to listen and be influenced.

Feelings of curiosity and interest can help develop this type of influence. When we are genuinely curious about our spouse and their experience and feelings and thoughts, we create what I call a “safe space” for them to open up and share.

I know first hand that a mixed faith marriage often seems to stop certain conversations. They just don’t feel safe. You may think, we just can’t talk about religion. We just don’t go there. That is often a sign that you do not feel safe talking about certain things (like religion, etc). I think we often feel that way because of our own lack of curiosity and interest we have about our own partner.

We may think – “I already know how they are going to react. I already know what they are going to say.”

That is a sure sign you are not gong to be able to influence them or be influenced by them.

If you think they are not accepting your influence I guarantee it goes both ways.

If you want to be able to influence your spouse you may need to change things completely. Reach out and let’s see if coaching is the tool you need.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Here is what happened.

We were disconnected all week. Something was off.

I was pretty sure he hated me and I was not happy with me or this marriage. Almost positive it had to do with his upset over being in a MFM.

I eventually decided to be brave. I opened a conversation and asked to talk . It went poorly. We were both defensive. We were both short. We were both frustrated. I would walk away and turn away. I kept turning back towards him (physically and symbolically). I asked more questions. I leaned in. I listened. I decided to not be deterred.

It turns out he was frustrated about the house. (It is a huge project.)

All week I was taking his frustration personally. Then I was frustrated too.

It wasn’t about me. I had been telling myself a lie all week.

Here is the part that gets me every time. I had to really walk into discomfort to get to connection. So often this is the case. I had to be willing to lean in, ask questions, keep turning back around, listen and let go of my defensiveness.

Often times the conversions that are the most uncomfortable end in the best place.

It is a skill set to lean in, keep asking and to turn back over and over and over. You can develop this skill. You can change your relationship patterns. Let’s talk. Schedule a free consultation to see if coaching is what you need to strengthen your marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Many marriages are built on a hierarchical model. It works for some people to a certain extent. It provides clear roles and structures that may feel safe and familiar but it can also have some drawbacks. One drawback may be that is can stymy the growth of intimacy (deep connection, not just sex).

Let me explain what I mean.

Hierarchy is a one up one down type of position. Someone in the relationship needs to ask permission from the other or needs to get approval or someone makes the ultimate decisions. Advice my be given and received but the ultimate decision is made by one person.

This is in juxtaposition to a partnership where both jointly decide and co- parent, co-lead, co-clean, etc.

No one is the final arbiter.

Partnership can be a lot harder in the short run. It requires more communication, more openness, more self knowledge, more boundaries.

Hierarchy is harder in the long run. It can stunt development and fuel resentment.

The biggest casualty to hierarchy is intimacy. It is hard to be open and be vulnerable with someone who is not your equal partner. It is risky.

I have seen that many in a mixed faith marriage (MFM) are wanting to move from a hierarchal  model to a partnership model. This is sometimes part of the tension in a mixed faith marriage.

How to build partnership?

The first step is to choose to be a parter. Write out what that would look like. One person changing is sometimes enough.

Questions to Consider:

-How are you already acting like a partner. How are you not?

-What is the consequences of a hierarchal relationship in 5 years in 20 years?

-What is the consequences of partnership in 5 years in 20 years?

-Is there room for two in your relationship?

-Do you feel resentful or like you have to ask permission? Why?

If you are in a MFM and are tying to create an more equal partnership and need some help. Let’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I want to give you a little tip on communication.

One way to improve communication is to remove the obstacles to effective  communication.

I want to highlight one obstacle here:

I have seen mixed faith marriages where the partners see each other as morally deficient due to faith differences. What I mean by this is that you think the other person is WRONG in their faith choice and therefore not as righteous, worthy, smart, aware or educated. You may think things like:

-How could they believe that?

-They broke their promise.

-How could they support that?

-How could they choose that?

This type of thinking can be poison to a relationship. It can cause partners to show up with contempt  or derision. That never feels good to anyone. It also can completely ruin any attempt at communication.

I want to suggest that before engaging in a conversation about religion in your mixed faith marriage you clean this up. Otherwise, it is going to come across in your conversation and cause PROBLEMS. Trust me on this one.

If you want to engage in a conversation try this instead:

1. Decide what you want the outcome to look like.Maybe your intention is to be loving and supportive. Maybe it is to not try to change their mind but to seek understanding. Maybe it is to build connection.

We rarely enter a conversation hoping it ends up in a fight and disconnection, but we often end up there, so decide ahead of time where you want to go in this conversation.

2. Ask more questions.

A great approach to a conversation is to ask your partner – Help me understand _______. Tell me more about _____.

Try this out and see what happens in place of, “How can you believe that!?”

If your intention is to change their mind, expect push back.

Goals you may want to consider may be : (1) not to convince or be convinced, (2) not to judge someone as right or wrong (2) to understand, (3) to build connection, or (4) show up supportive and loving.

Need more help with this? Grab on of my free consults and let’s take some time to talk about your mixed faith marriage/faith transition and see if coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com