|
How to deal with your spouse teaching or talking about things that you do not agree with?
This usually comes up in the context of teaching about gospel topic such as the law of chastity, modesty, priesthood, leadership, authority, obedience, one true church, history (really I could go on and on). I have also seen it arise over whether one spouse wants a child to participate at all in church activities or in a youth program.
Full confession, this happens a lot in our house.
My husband has difference political, social, and religious views than me so we get to have this come up in many fronts.
I realized recently that one thing that tends to get me acting defensive, attacking or even just feeling annoyed is when I think my husband is confusing the kids. Which is the same as saying – I don’t like how he is teaching them or what he is teaching them. When I think this I jump in right then and there and counter what ever he is saying. It’s not helpful (at all).
When I find myself in that space where I wish he would just shut up or I am tempted to start pontificating – here is what I do instead.
I have to have a little conversation with myself that goes something like this.
*****
You are annoyed because you think he is going to confuse the kids. You think they are going to one day disagree with your choice to step away from church. You think that they will walk the same path of frustration and conforming you did and unnecessarily. Or maybe you are afraid you might be wrong here and they will be confused or make choices that may be challenging for them and you.
Take a deep breath. He is their father and gets to teach his kids what ever he wants. I get to teach them what ever I want too. But right now it’s his teaching/interacting time and not mine. I have plenty of opportunities to interact and share my ideas and opinions.
I wouldn’t want him to counter everything I say to them and I can give him that same gift. Even if he does counter what I say, that is not how I want to show up in this marriage and in this family. I do not want to create a him versus me dynamic here. The kids are not choosing his philosophy or mine, they are choosing their own.
I want my kids to develop their capacity to think critically. I want them to make choices from a place of empowerment and consent. That means, I want my kids to have lots of view points presented to them. I want them to think and make their own decisions and they can’t do that without hearing several viewpoints and knowing they can choose for themselves without any repercussions from me.
*****
This type of conversation with myself. It helps me calm down and often prevents me from sabotaging an otherwise enjoyable evening with my family.
Let me point out the key aspects of my little chat with myself -that you can use when creating your own little chat with yourself, tailored to you and your issues:
-
We both get to teach whatever we want to teach the kids. We are both adults who have that autonomy. I do not want mine hedged and I don’t want to hedge him.
-
Kids are smart and they get to make their own decisions anyway (just like I did).
-
I honestly answer this question – How do I want to show up in this marriage? It’s not as someone who is petty or tit for tat, I want to be supportive and generous. I would rather be happy then right in this regard.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Afraid of what others will think?
My ancestors are pioneers. We are talking about covered wagons traveling from Far West to Salt Lake City. My extended family are all members. We are taking the kind of family where books about our genealogy are regularly discussed and handed out. Conversation are around callings, temple work, and girls camp dates.
My social community is primarily LDS. My friends are primarily LDS. Basically my whole life is saturated in everything LDS.
When a faith transition comes along (yours or your spouse’s), it is scary for a lot of reasons, but one fear can be – what others will think! Your family, your community, your long gone ancestors? What will they think of your family that is no longer “perfect”? What will change? Can you handle it? What will happen to your standing in the church? in your community? in your family?
I don’t know what will happen. You don’t know what will happen. It’s a mystery. But I do know that letting FEAR make decisions and guide your life has serious drawbacks.
When we make decisions out of fear we disallow other’s kindness, goodness and generosity. When in fear, we assume others will be unkind or lack understanding.
When we make decisions out of fear we are assuming the worst of ourselves and of others. And then that is what we often find because that is what we are looking for. Our brain (cognitive bias) will prove it true.
When we make decisions out of fear we often discount what we want or what our desires are and try to make others comfortable at our own expense. (This usually leads to resentment).
When we make decisions out of fear we are not fully honest with ourselves and with others and this can undermine our relationships.
Here are three indicators that fear is in the drivers seat of your mixed faith marriage or in your interactions with your extended family.
-
You don’t want others to know about your faith transition or your spouse’s faith transition.
-
You are sure that whatever happens it will not be good or easy or helpful. You wish things could just go back to how they were.
-
You are more concerned about not upsetting others, a way of life, or an expectation then about being honest and in integrity with yourself and with others( people pleasing is a form of lying).
If fear in making a lot of decisions in your life, I would suggest working with me. I work with clients to recognize where fear is in charge and changing that so you can operate out of love. We often just need a little help seeing what is gong on. Let’s talk.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
What to do if your marriage has been neglected?
There was a time when we were so busy strengthening our family we forget to strengthen our marriage. The two are not always synonymous.
When my faith transition hit, we had been married for around 15 years. We had been very active in church and very active building our family (FHE, trips, activities, etc).
We had not been so diligent about building our marriage. If you looked at how we spent our time and money it would be at the bottom or pretty close.
Maybe you are super busy and focused on school, career, kids church callings and haven’t spent the time and energy on your marriage.
This was 100% true for me and my spouse.
How to really start nurturing your marriage? How to build a marriage along with a family?
The patterns of neglecting your marriage can be hard to change You or your spouse may question or think –
Is this for real? Is this just temporary? This won’t last? You just want something from me.
3 tips to consider when you want to start nurturing your marriage
-
Be ok if they don’t believe you. Of course they are skeptical – you probably are too. Let them get familiar with the new way you are choosing so show up in your marriage. We sometimes resist change even if its good and we’ve wanted it for a long time.
-
Remember the 5:1 ratio. For every negative interaction you try to have 5 positive ones. Maybe right now your ratio is 1:5. You can change your ratio. The process means you fail A LOT until you succeed and that is OK. Failure is part of any worthy success story.
-
Know your WHY. If you don’t remind yourself of your WHY you will give up at after some push back. What is your WHY? – Because you really love your spouse – because you want to change things, because you are 100% committed to this? You get to decide. Keep reminding yourself.