No Such Thing as a Perfect Marriage
My husband is like my favorite person in the whole world – I mean that is why I married him. He is also sometimes super annoying (like any one else).
Sometimes I want to kiss his face and love on him and sometimes I want a little space.
Sometimes I want to follow him around everywhere and just admire him and sometimes I ask him to take shower cause he smells.
I like to tell myself this is a normal marriage. All marriages are a mix of wonderful and not so wonderful. ALL OF THEM. Half the time things are great. Half the time things are smelly.
What trips up so many, especially in a mormon mixed faith marriage, is you expect your marriage be great 100% of the time. This is not only silly but harmful. When we expect happiness all the time, we are setting an impossible standard.
When a faith transition comes along we think there is a HUGE PROBLEM. The differences in faith can cause a couple to hyper focus on the differences and ignore the good stuff. All of the sudden we can only see the bumps and aggravations.
When we expect things to not always be perfect we are disappointed less. I am not saying settle, I am saying don’t let the bumps throw you off. When I expect smelly armpits and grumpy days, I am so much more gentle and flexible when they do come around. I know nothing has gone wrong. I simply happen to be a human in a marriage with another human.
This idea of a 50/50 marriage has been a gift of grace for me and our marriage.
Perfectionism can cause erosion to a marriage.
What do you make it mean when your marriage is off for a few days or months? What do you make it mean if you want a little space? What do you make it mean if things are bumpy? What do you make a faith transition mean for your marriage?
There will be challenges in your marriage. What do you make the challenges mean about you and your marriage?
Do you need help with your mixed faith marriage? Are you only seeing the problems? Coaching can help.
Anger
If you are in a mormon mixed faith marriage you have probably experienced anger (as it is part of the grief cycle).
I want to share some ideas about anger as we often get tripped up a little around this emotion.
Anger was not an acceptable emotion in my household when I was a kid.
I always associated anger with fighting. Fighting was wrong and anger was bad.
I don’t think this is super unusual for people raised LDS.
Anger often means that you are not “choosing the right.”
I would agree that some actions from anger are NEVER helpful or appropriate (name calling, hitting, etc).
I would also argue that anger in and of itself is not the problem. Everyone gets angry, it is normal and healthy. Anger is just another human emotion that we all experience.
It doesn’t need to go away or be fixed. It just needs to be processed.
Often unprocessed anger is what causes so much pain and anguish. When we don’t process our emotions and then explode on our kids or numb out on TV or video games – that is the problem – and not actually allowing yourself to feel angry about somethings painful.
When we can actually allow anger and process it – it is not explosive. It does not hurt others. It does not spew. It is just another emotion to experience. It is something we feel in our body.
The biggest problem with anger is not experiencing it – it is telling yourself you shouldn’t be angry and then ignoring it. Or telling yourself you are a bad person for feeling angry then starting into a shame and guilt cycle. Both of these behaviors can lead to passive aggression, stonewalling, volcano reactions that are not commiserate to what just happened.
So I say anger is not bad and is not a problem. The real problem is unresolved anger, ignored anger, unprocessed anger (or really any emotion) that is what causes so much friction in our relationships. So many explosions or snarky comments are actually the result of unprocessed emotions that leak out of us and then cause damage.
Need to learn how to deal with emotions and process emotions in your mixed faith marriage? I can help.
In my group program or in one on one coaching, I teach you how to process your emotions. I teach you how choose emotions on purpose to help you in your mixed faith marriage. Emotional work is critical to a great marriage as our emotions fuel our actions. If you want to act differently in your marriage you have to address your emotional life.
This podcast may also be helpful:
No. 2 – Emotions Matter : https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-mixed-faith-marriage-podcast/id1587586037?i=1000537912114
Parenting and Communication
I have seen with my clients that parenting becomes a parenting vacuum when they think there is no common ground. They effectively stop making decisions and no teaching happens.
They are just coasting or ignoring the differences. Maybe they are parenting behind the other parent’s back because they are not talking to each other (because it is fraught).
Parenting issues are symptoms of a deeper communication issue.
Often when communication improves, parenting also improves as you are now working as a team instead of at odds.
So let’s shift focus to communication.
I see communication issues on two levels: inner and outer.
The outer communication issues can be addressed with listening and communicating techniques. You learn the skills, you practice the skills and you get better.
The inner work is just as vital but often completely overlooked.
The inner work is largely (1) deciding how you want to show up in parenting conversations. (2) Deciding how you want to feel when you are making a parenting decision with your spouse who does not see eye to eye with you. (3) Deciding what you believe about your souse and your differences.
If you have the perfect communication technique but are frustrated – your communication will not improve. If you have the perfect “I statements” and validation statements but are annoyed -your communication will not improve. You need the inner and outer together to make this work. I teach both to my clients.
If you are struggling with your parenting you may need to work on communication. Coaching is a great tool to address both inner and outer communication skills plus there are tons of coaching approaches that can help with parenting too.
If you are needing help with parenting and communication I have a group program starting in September that addresses these issues. I teach you how to do both the inner and outer work in communication plus you can get live coaching on your exact parenting issues.
To get more parenting help you may find these podcast episodes helpful:
No. 13- Baptism (Baby blessings, Ordination, Endowment, etc).
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-mixed-faith-marriage-podcast/id1587586037?i=1000545413549
No. 38 – Do kids stay home or go to church?
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-mixed-faith-marriage-podcast/id1587586037?i=1000566127830
Mess Ups
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Parenting in Your Mixed Faith Marriage
I talk to my clients a lot about their kids. I am a marriage coach, but kids are often the result of that marriage and are intertwined in the marriage. Parenting is part of so many mixed faith marriages.
Before my faith transition by husband and I had a fair amount of conversations regarding parenting. We had some fundamental differences in our approach and practice. AND we still had kids and showed up did what we could for those kids.
Post faith transition – it seems like the parenting issue was compounded. It is one thing to disagree about spanking or time out and another thing to disagree about ear piercing, church attendance or modesty. Or is it?
I don’t really think it is. Both require the parents to listen to the other and seek to understand. Both require compassion and respect. Both require flexibility and compromise. Fundamentally the same skill set is needed when it comes to making parenting decisions about secular or religious topics. We sometimes forget to use compassion, respect, flexibility and compassion when it comes to a mixed faith marriage (mainly due to our emotional overwhelm).
When we learn how to manage our emotional overwhelm we can often address the parenting issues with more grace and kindness. Coaching can help with this. Message me to learn more.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Tug of War Over the Kids
In my own home and with my clients) a sort of tug of war to win the hearts and minds of the kids. To try to convince the kids that my side (I am taking faith here) is right and the other is wrong. It kind of has the feel of trying to court votes.
So what to do so you don’t end up with the kids in between a debating or boxing match?
My mom (mother of 9 kids) would often tell me (when I came to her complaining of a wrong done by one of my sibling to me) “ It takes two to make a fight”. This is good advice here.
It takes two to play tug of war. It takes two to debate.
Here are a two things that have helped me to put down the boxing gloves about the kids
ONE: The kids get to make their own decisions. We cannot make their decisions. I can suggest, advise. threaten, berate, but they get to decide what to believe. I don’t care what age they are, this is their choice. Yes, I realize younger kids tend to just believe what we tell them, but developmentally that has a time frame that expires. Ultimately at the end of the day it is only their choice.
TWO: This is not about the kids. The kids sometimes become a symbol of what is going on internally with the parents. We as parents want another to validate our own decision (to stay or leave) and when we see the kids choose our choice we feel validated in our own decision. I have learned to let the kids be who they are and I need to learn how to have my own back regarding my own decisions.
Are you in a silent but real tug of war in your LDS mixed faith marriage? Not really sure how it started and even less sure how to end it. I can help. I am a coach you specializes in LDS mixed faith marriages. There are solutions. There are tools. You do not need struggle.
Reach out to me and schedule on of my free calls. (I only offer a few each month). This is a GREAT opportunity to really dive deep into your mixed faith marriage with me.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
When Your Spouse is Disappointed
I used to be uncomfortable with my spouse’s disappointment or anger or sadness. I used to think things like:
-I can’t hurt them like this
-They will be so hurt if they knew
-This will make them so sad
-This will shatter their dreams
So many people I coach struggle with seeing their spouse experience sadness or disappointment around their faith status or the mixed faith marriage.
I my opinion, this is often the number one reason those experiencing a faith transition do not share openly about their experience – others may be sad, disappointed, afraid, or just plain uncomfortable with your faith transition.
We ultimately think we are in charge of managing our spouse’s sadness, disappointment, fear or discomfort. Said another way, we think we are in charge of managing their emotions.
What helped me was to learn that I cannot control or manage my spouse’s emotions. Not ever. Sometimes it appears that way, but that is a coincidence and not the reality. Other people always get to choose their own emotions. My actions do not cause another’s emotions.
When I fell into the common trap of thinking that my actions caused my spouse’s emotions it means I am responsible for their emotions and that I should blame myself when they have an emotional response. It causes me to not allow them ownership over their emotions.
This doesn’t mean I have an excuse to be rude or demeaning.
When I was able to learn this and start taking responsibility for my own emotions and not take responsibility for my husband’s emotions it helped me focus on areas I could change and improve and not focus on areas that were beyond my control. It helped me to allow him to be sad or disappointed and allow him to manage his emotions instead of jumping in and trying to change who he was and how he was experiencing his life.
This may sound like small potatoes. IT IS NOT. So much of what makes a relationship healthy and vibrant is to be emotionally responsible and to manage your emotions and let others manage their own emotions. This is the secret recipe for a relationship full of connection and love.
If you are always trying to manage things so your spouse is never sad, disappointed or uncomfortable emotionally, you are probably on the path to burn out as you are trying to control what you cannot. (I know I have been there)
Message me and let’s see if coaching can help you let go of this pattern and use your energy to focus on what you can do to help your relationship thrive.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
3 Tips for a Mixed Faith Marriage (Mormon or NOT)
I recently talked to a protestant (never mormon) friend and she was telling me about her daughter who was dating a Mormon. She was interested in what I do as a coach because she was having many of the same questions as my clients.
How do you raise kids when the parents don’t agree? How about eternity? How about believing your spouse will go to hell?
I was super interested in how fast she pinpointed some of the biggest pain points.
Here are some ideas to consider if you are considering a mixed faith relationship or in one.
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You can have great relationship. Sharing religious beliefs is not mandatory to a great marriage.
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All marriages are mixed faith of some sort. No two people see things exactly the same. Even when I was “believing” my husband and I had differing views on parenting and any number of other issues. The mixed faith marriage did not create the differences, it just highlights them. Differences are NORMAL. You can make the differences mean your marriages is terrible or you can make it mean it is just a normal issue to work through (like a budget).
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What do you want the foundation of your marriage to be built on? Many people choose religion, but when that shifts it can be painful to a relationship. What do you want your foundation to be? Love? Respect? Obedience? Temple worthiness? I can’t answer these questions for you – only you can.
If your mixed faith marriage is overwhelming to you, you may need a coach to work through the sticky parts. That is ok. It is ok to get some outside perspective and troubleshoot some areas. Your marriage is worth it. You are too.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME
Talk to you soon,