Strengthening Your Mixed Faith Marriage – Mini Course
WELCOME!
In this course you are going to start on the MOST IMPORTANT
part. DO NOT underestimate these tools. I have tons of tools I
teach my clients, but these two are my favorite, because they are
so simple and easy to implement.
If you really do this mini course, it will change your mixed faith
marriage. I know, because it changed mine.
The Manual
For each relationship you have in your life you have a
corresponding manual. A manual is an unspoken set of
instructions you have for a relationship, it is basically your set of
‘should’ and ‘should nots’ for your spouse.
When your spouse does not follow your manuals (which happens
frequently), you get upset, frustrated, annoyed, and resentful.
Manuals cause suffering in a mixed faith marriage.
Here are some manual examples in a mixed faith marriage:
-A spouse should always stay faithful to the church.
-Couples should attend church together.
-A mixed faith marriage is not ideal.
-If you loved me you would support my decision (to stay or to
leave).
-We should be on the same page.
These thoughts HURT.
They hurts because your reality is different than your
expectations.
When you want your spouse to follow your manual you wish they
would be different than who they are. You are not accepting them
as they are today. You are not offering them what you probably
want the most in your relationship – love and acceptance.
Are you willing to abandon your manual and love and accept your
spouse for who they actually are today and as opposed to who
you wish they would be? Or who you think they should be?
Recognizing and abandoning manuals can have some of the
most profound impacts on healing strained relationships and
strengthening healthy relationships.
Take some time and write out your manual for your spouse. Write
out all the things they should or should not do. All the things they
should or should not say. Put it ALL on paper. Be honest. Do NOT
filter yourself.
NOTE- You may be tempted to skip this exercise. I get it, it can be
uncomfortable to see where you are judging your spouse. Its ok to
be a little uncomfortable.
My Manual for my spouse:
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How do you act towards your spouse when they do not follow
your manual? (The purpose of this exercise is not to beat yourself
up but to see what your manual is creating in your relationship.)
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Do you like how you act? Why or Why not?
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What are some things you can drop from your manual for your
spouse?
What You Can Control?
However much you try, you literally cannot control what others do
or say or think. You cannot control their choices and beliefs. You
cannot control if your spouse choose to believe or not believe in
the church.
You desperately want to control your spouse’s beliefs. You want to
control what they say and what they do. You want to control them
because you think this will help you feel better.
This is setting yourself up for failure. Remember – you cannot
control another person.
The solution here is to focus on what you can control. You CAN
control what you think about your spouse’s beliefs, choices and
words. You CAN control the stories you tell yourself about
their beliefs, choices and words.
What story are you telling about your mixed faith marriage?
Write it out here:
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Is it scary? This is why you are feeling scared.
Is is sad? That is why you are feeling sad.
Are you the victim? That is why you are feeling disempowered.
How to do you feel when you read your story?
I feel ______________________________________.
Is this a feeling you want to feel? If not, why are you choosing to
tell that story?
You have other choices.
Is there another possible way to tell this story?
Rewrite the story about your mixed faith marriage where you are
the hero and not the victim:
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Now, tell yourself this story and drop the first one.
CONGRATS! You finished the mini course! These two of my
favorite tools that can be used over and over.
They are simple, but if used regularly they can be the foundation
of a radical transformation in your marriage.
If you are ready to learn more and get even more support let’s
talk. Email me at mormoncouples.com@gmail.com and ask for a
free call. There is no obligation. On the call we will go through a
process about your marriage and begin to create a whole new
way of interacting in your mixed faith marriage.
Wishing you the best!
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
MormonCouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
A Great Mixed Faith Marriage is Possible
I was talking to a client this week and she told me she used to believe that all mixed faith marriages were destined for failure. I have noticed this is a common belief in LDS marriages. I know I used to think it was 100% true.
The recent article in the Liahona titled, “Maintaining Hope and Keeping Your Marriage Strong if Your Spouse Leaves the Church,” is an great example of changing this common belief and begins to open the door to the idea that great mixed faith marriage is possible.
I would like to crack that door open a little wider.
As a certified life coach that specializes in helping Mormon’s in mixed faith marriages, I have seen that the belief – you can have a great mixed faith marriage – can alleviate a lot of suffering. And the belief that a mixed faith marriage is destined for failure or is not as desirable can cause a lot of pain. I have also experienced it in my own mixed faith marriage.
I want to sell you on the idea that a mixed faith marriage can be a great marriage. It can even be just as good as a same faith marriage. Here are three reasons why a mixed faith marriage can be a great marriage:
Everyone is welcome. When my husband and I are able to accept each other and our respective faith journeys with love and compassion we are creating a marriage, and by extension, a family where everyone is welcome. There are no black sheep. Not every one need to make the same decisions and have the same life experiences to be loved and welcome. I can hear some of you saying this can also happen in a same faith marriage. You are right, it can. The concept of everyone being welcome can also make a same faith marriage great. It can help make any relationship great.
You communication skills will be amazing. This is one of the powerful byproducts of really opening up in your mixed faith marriage. Really good communication skills do not take elaborate techniques (although they may help). What creates really good communication skills is just a lot of practice and trying again and again. Developing the skill to be open and honest and share what you are thinking and feeling in the face of possible rejection and judgment is a real skill. Developing the trust to share your deepest fears and concerns around church and religion can give you the foundation for an amazing marriage. If you can talk about faith and religion (and listen) with honestly and vulnerability, you will have the skill set to tackle anything your life and marriage can present.
It is fun. You read that right. A mixed faith marriage can be a lot of fun. I learned this when we stepped into our mixed faith marriage due to my faith transition. The mixed faith marriage meant we were different and that gave me permission to be different. I do not mean that I started doing crazy out there stuff like throwing wild parties and going to bars. All I mean is I started to consider things that I enjoyed doing instead of just things I was supposed to do. That small shift helped me to increase the fun and enjoyment in my marriage.
I am not advocating a mixed faith marriage is better than a same faith marriage. I am advocating that it can be just as good and that a faith transition does not mean it is the end of a marriage. Often a faith transition can mean it is the start of another phase of your marriage and that phase can be great.
Rituals
As humans we engage in rituals and our relationships are full of rituals.
The rituals may be simple like kissing goodbye or they may be more elaborate like a wedding.
Rituals are often interwoven with religion and as such they can be problematic for mixed-faith couples.
I teach my clients a simple exercise I want to share here. It is a way to use rituals to strengthen your relationship instead of seeing them as a reminder of where you have differences.
1.Make a list of the rituals you already have as a couple.
2. Place a check next to the ones that nurture your relationship. (Some rituals are more like bad habits.)
3. Consider replacing the ones that do not nurture the relationship.
Example: FHE is a ritual. We religiously held FHE for our whole marriage. As the faith transition deepened and developed it became a hotbed of contention. I didn’t like what he was teaching, he didn’t like what I was teaching. We didn’t like the “participation” the other showed in our lessons.
This was a ritual that needed to be evaluated and reinvented. We discussed how we both felt teaching our children was important and we discussed the things we both felt strongly about teaching them. We decided to reinvent this as “coaching night” and we used the time to teach what we called life skills. We talk about emotional skills , social skills, financial skills, mental health, peer pressure, goal setting, etc.
We reinvented this ritual to be supportive to both of us and our mutual parenting goals.
Is it time for an evaluation of your rituals? This is something I teach my clients.
Are you scared to implement change? This is something I help my clients overcome.
Are you needing help navigating your mixed faith marriage? I am here to help.
I offer free calls were we can talk about where you are in your marriage and what kind of marriage you really want. There is a way to get you there.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
WHAT WE CAN CONTROL AND WHAT WE CANNOT CONTROL
Sometimes when things get intense in my mixed faith marriage it is helpful to remember what it is I can control and what it is I cannot control.
I cannot control what he thinks about me or my choices. I cannot control how he feel about me. I cannot control what he says or does.
I really, really really want to control what he thinks about me. I want him to think I am good, kind, generous and a wonderful partner.
When I want him to think this about me I try to convince him to like me.
When I start convincing and controlling it doesn’t actually help my relationship. It makes me act a little crazy.
Often we don’t even see where were are “controlling” . If you find yourself thinking the following, there is a pretty good chance you are trying to control what you cannot:
If he would just…
I wish that he wouldn’t….
Why can’t she…
She just can’t seem to…
What I can control:
I can control me. I can control the meaning I give to words and actions of others. I can control the words that I speak. I can control my own actions. I can control how I choose to show up and what I chose to think and feel or at least what I choose to continue to think and feel.
This helps me know where to focus my attention and energy. When I get all caught up about the things I cannot control I feel stuck and disempowered. When I can keep my focus on what I can control I feel hopeful and wiling to keep trying.
Where is your focus in your mixed faith marriage?
We often need help re-training our brain to focus on what we can and let go of trying to control what we cannot. It sounds simple, but we usually need help. As a life coach I teach my clients how to do this. I help them create new neural pathways that create empowerment and not control.
If you are ready to learn how to do this, let’s talk.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
GUILT
When my family is at a church event and I choose to stay home I sometimes I have company for these times. GUILT. It likes to creep in and sit by me and whisper things in my ears like, “You are a bad wife” and a bad mom.” “You should be supporting your family even if it makes you miserable.” “They are more important than you and your feelings.”
Do you know GUILT? Not a pleasant fellow.
Sometimes I believe guilt and feel bad. Sometimes, I let GUILT know that I can be a good mom AND take some time off. That I can and am supportive in 100 other ways. I tell GUILT that I can take care of me, and that by taking care of me I will be a happier mom and happier wife. I tell GUILT that people actually do prefer living with happy people instead of miserable people.
GUILT will leave at this point. But I know it may come back, but that is ok. I understand that GUILT visits many people, it is just part of the human experience. I do not need to invite it in for long, but I acknowledge that it comes and goes just like any other emotion.
Do you know GUILT? Life coaching is a great tool to use to recognizes and processing the many emotions that come up in a mixed faith marriage. Recognizing and processing our emotions is critical to accepting life and finding peace. Coaching is a powerful tool to lean and process emotions. If this is a skill you need to further develop, let’s talk. Email me and we can set up a free call to talk about coaching and how to use it to make your mixed faith marriage better than you dreamed possible.
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
How Do You Handle Change?
A faith transition means change. You are questioning everything. This is actually a good thing. Often we get stuck in thought patterns that are not useful. It is helpful to question things.
Our spouse may see this and become concerned. Afraid that maybe you will throw out the baby with the bath water. Maybe you are concerned you will throw out the baby with the bath water?
Here are three things to consider when navigating change:
1. Recognize human development is part of the package. We embrace the idea of child development, but now you are an adult it does not mean you are done growing and changing. Far from it. It can be super helpful to see change as a normal and natural part of just being a human adult on the planet.
This thought helped me a ton. At times, I was questioning my sanity and when I could tell myself it was just me being a human it helped!
2. Take it slow. Sometimes we rush into change and do not think through all the ramifications. There is no need to rush through change ever.
I told my husband I was thinking about not attending church way before I actually stopped. He needed the time to process things. I needed the time. There is NO RUSH.
3. Make sure you like your reasons. When we make decisions that bring change we sometimes do this out of reaction, fear, frustration. I like to make sure I make decisions out of thoughtfulness, love, and self care. It can be helpful to ask what is my reason for making this decision/change? Then if I like it I go for it, if I don’t, I dig a little deeper.
Questions to ask-
Are you acting out of hurt or empowerment
Are you acting out of self care or guilt?
Are you acting out of fear or compassion?
Change is always challenging – even good change. It is just how our brains are wired. So be gentle with yourself. Change will happen. NO MATTER WHAT. You can go gracefully or kicking and screaming. Its up to you.
Email me if you want to hop on a free call and see how coaching can help you navigate change. The call will take about an hour and we can discuss your exact situation.
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Patriarchy
Patriarchy
My husband just doesn’t see it.
if he does, he does he doesn’t think it is a problem.
What am I making this mean?
He is a misogynistic.
He supports the oppression of women.
He is stupid.
None of those feel good. In fact they all feel terrible.
When I feel terrible, I usually show up as a rather beastly person to be around. And that completely undermines my goal of love and connection in my relationship.
So I while I do not throw out my feminist agenda, I do not require my husband to join my crusade. He get’s to do and think what he wants and I get to love him just he way he is.
Do you want some coaching? Do you need a little extra support navigating all this? Email me and we can set up a free call to discuss coaching and what’s happening with you and your faith journey.
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Emotional Adulthood
I was driving with my 13 year old daughter and she was asking about what it means to be an adult. I told her it means that you create your own structure in life. She commented that is probably why there are so many terrible adults.
It was kind of funny at the time, but also a bit sobering.
I couldn’t help but think about a tool I use in coaching called Emotional Adulthood and Emotional Childhood.
When we are in Emotional Childhood we blame others for how we feel, act, and the results we get in life.
I know I am in emotional childhood when I am whining, complaining or basically having a tantrum about something that “should not have happened.” I feel terrible.
Emotional Adulthood happens when we take full responsibility for every single thing we think, feel and do- no matter what someone else says or does.
This is how you leave victimhood behind.
This is self empowerment at its very best
I often find myself in emotional childhood in my mixed faith marriage.
My husband attends church and I do not.
When I am in emotional childhood, I think it is his responsibility to validate my decision to leave the church by also leaving the church.
When I am in emotional childhood I think think that if he is not happy about my decision than I cannot be happy about my decision.
When I am in emotional adulthood, I allow him to have his reactions and know they are about his thoughts and feelings and not about me.
When I am in emotional adulthood, I know if I am frustrated it is because of what I am choosing to think and not because of something that he did.
Adults get to structure their own lives. We can choose to blame others or we can choose to take responsibility for what is happening in our emotional lives. It is that simple. (Simple but not always easy.)
Are you stuck in emotional childhood or maybe need a little direction in mastering emotional adulthood? Coaching can make all the difference. Email me to set up a free call where we can discuss how coaching tools can help you feel a whole lot better.
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
I Can’t Handle This!
“I can’t handle this.”
“This is too much.”
These were common thoughts in my mind when I was going thought the thick of my faith transition.
They seemed TRUE.
I had to step back and ask myself, what else could be true here?
First off, they really were not true. I was handling it (I maybe could handle it better, but I was handling it).
Second, they were not helping me stay focused.
They were creating entitlement, frustration and fear.
Those three emotions are not very helpful in building my relationship and taking care of me.
I decided that focus and determination were MUCH more helpful.
I decided to think:
“I can handle this.”
“I can figure this out.”
Do you do this with your faith transition?
Do you tell yourself?
“I can’t handle this.”
“I can’t handle their reaction.”
“Its just too much”
Now is the time to step back and ask – What else can be true here?
Are these thoughts helping you? You are going to to handle it one way or the other. You can handle it by freaking out or you can handle it with some calm.
What emotions do you want to be driving the car of your life right now? I am guessing love, compassion and understanding.
Here are some thoughts to try on to generate those emotions:
“I can handle this.”
“I can get extra help if needed.”
“Others have gotten through this and we will too.”