I have covered so far:

#1- basic parenting resources – fully vetted

#2- How to deal with a spouse teaching things you don’t agree with

#3 – What do to with the kids when one goes to church and one does not

Today – Parenting  Worries 

I see two common worries in MFM couples for the non believing spouse. I have seen both worries in the same parent. I have also had both of these  worries myself. 

I recognize believing spouse has worries too. I will address those in another post. 

Here they are 

Worry #1 – How to keep kids safe without  the church ?

I have heard this described in a few ways:

• The only reason I didn’t go off deep end was because of the teaching of the church 

• The law of chastity protected me and gave the the motivation to make hard decisions 

• How to teach values with out the church? 

• How can they withstand peer pressure with out the church

• How do my kids have socialization/friends without the church? 

Worry #2 – I don’t want my kids in because I was harmed by the shame and the teachings.

This may sound like:

• I don’t want them to be exposed to the shame I felt

• I don’t want them to to grow up thinking they are wrong or not worthy

• I don’t want them to be try to be someone they are not

These worries can drive you batty. I know they drove me batty. 

AND you can have them both at the same time. It kind of feels like you have two engines pulling you in opposite directions. 

Worry is what I consider to be a indulgent emotion. Said another way, it is a complete waste of time. Worry pretends to feel important. Worry pretends to be love. Worry pretends to necessary. It is not.

Worry creates more worry. Worry creates distraction. Worry wastes our time and energy that we could be directing towards actually loving our kids or our spouse and building strong relationships. Worry helps no one – EVER. 

When worry comes knocking I try to recognize it and let it go. I try to see it for what it is –  something that does not help me show up as the parent or spouse I actually want to be.

Do you need help managing your worries around your Mixed faith marriage and how to parent you kids? You need a coach. Reach out to me and get one of my few free calls I offer. 

It is time to let go of worry. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

My husband and I have an ongoing discussion about unconditional love and respect. Suffice it to say we would like more of both in our relationship. Recently we had a friend over and were taking to her about our mixed faith marriage and was filling her in on our perspectives (picture the presidential debates with me representing love on one side and my husband representing respect on the other with our  friend as the moderator.) As you can well imagine debating didn’t lead to any great resolutions but it got me thinking about the two ideas.

I wanted to dive into these two concepts, as I think there are misconceptions about both.

Unconditional Love: Feeling love for someone, on purpose, regardless of what they do.

• Feeling love is always an option. You do not need to agree with them, spend time with them, or talk to them to feel love for someone.

• Love feels amazing.

• Others do not feel your emotions. Your emotions are caused by your thoughts. When you love someone they do not feel it – you do. You benefit from feeling love, you suffer from not feeling love.

• Love feels amazing (this one is important!)

• We often find excuses to not feel love (he is in a bad mood, he said something hurtful, he doesn’t support me).

• Love feels amazing (getting the message?)

Respect:     1. A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

2. Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

I teach my clients that their thoughts cause their emotions then others cannot hurt them because they do not cause their emotions their thoughts do.

Some ask me – Does this mean that I can do and say what ever I want  and that is their problem if they feel hurt?

Isn’t that disregarding their feelings/wishes/traditions?

My response is that not taking responsibility for others thoughts and feelings is very different than deliberately attacking or disregarding someones feeling, wish or traditions.

When we allow others to take responsibility for their own thoughts and emotions we are allowing them to be themselves.

When we take responsibility for others emotions this leads to control and manipulation and co-dependence.

When they are responsible for our happiness we are disempowered and need then to act in certain ways in order to be happy.

Respect flourishes when you decide to be emotionally responsible and love on purpose, that is powerful!

Love and respect make a good couple.

Would you like to have more love and respect in your mixed faith marriage and not sure where to begin?

Let ’s talk. CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR A FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Have you found yourself thinking these thoughts about your faith transition or your spouse’s faith transition (and marriage transition)?

I can’t believe this is happening to me.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

This isn’t fair.

This is because of _______________ (something external that happened)

This is wrong.

I hate this.

I wish this never happened.

I wish we could go back to how we were before.

These types of thoughts are a sign of denial or what I like to refer to as resisting reality.

Bryon Katie teaches that when we we fight reality we loose – 100% of the time.

Dr. Tsbary  has said, “Release attachment to how things “ought” to be and surrender to how they actually are.”

When we are resisting reality we cannot find solutions; we cannot move forward; we are stuck in thought loops and stuck in pain.

I often suggest to my clients that they would benefit from the emotion of acceptance (another way saying not resisting what is happening in their life). There is usually much to accept. Acceptance of faith changes. Acceptance of marriage changes. Acceptance of being married to someone who changes. Acceptance of human development. Acceptance of the dynamic nature of life an relationships.

What are you not accepting in your self, and in you spouse?

Make a list. Write the reason why. Can you let those go?

These reasons are holding you back from having a better marriage.

They are holding you back from your own happiness and contentment.

Need help with this? Not really sure how to surrender and how to accept and how to be ok when it is not ok.

Let’s talk.  Let’s set up a time for a free call to talk about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I can’t improve my marriage because my spouse is not interesting in seeking help.

I hear this a lot.

Here is what I would tell you if you were my client:

1. It only takes one person to materially improve a relationship.

I know you may think I am crazy to suggest this. But consider it may be true. Your relationship is what you think about the other person. You can think anything you want. If you start to think differently and feel differently and act differently – you WILL get different results.

2. You cannot change another person. If you could, I would teach you how. But it is not possible. Your point of power is in you. You doing your own work on yourself is ALL you can do and it is ENOUGH.

3. Boundaries are what you will use if someone violates your health and safety. You hear  a lot of talk about needing boundaries. What people usually mean is needing others to change so they can feel better. Refusing to go together to therapy or to coaching is not a boundary violation. You can request your spouse attend with you, but they get to choose if they want to participate.

Each individual has to decide if they are willing  and how they will work on the relationship. Your approach may look different than your spouse’s approach. You have to decide that you doing the work will be enough and not choose to indulge in resentment that he/she is getting a free pass. You have to decide if you are willing to go all in because it is worth it. Then you have to remind yourself (like 100 times) of that decision.

I did the work on me and my marriage improved like150%. AND I knew that I had truly tried.

Is is time to go all in? Is is time to give it 150%? Let’s talk . One person is enough to make SERIOUS changes.

Are you ready to be that person?

Let’s set up a free call where we talk about your marriage and what you want to create and see if coaching is the right solution for you.

 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE YOUR FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

This used to be how my husband and I approached our marriage. We were taught this and it sounded good, right? It is very common marriage advice in LDS marriages. At least it was for us.

Over time, we have both come to realize that this idea was not necessarily working in our favor, especially in the face of a mixed faith  marriage. Here are some of our realizations:

• When divorce was not an option, we realized there was the tendency to feel stuck, like we had no choice. It most definitely felt like a life sentence and less like a the kind of marriage we had hoped for. It also felt like we were at the mercy of our 20 something selves.

• When we see divorce as an option it means we choose regularly to stay. We choose to do the work to make this marriage work so we want to stay.

• For me, it meant that I was staying because I wanted to. Not because I had to for financial or child care reasons. It helped me see the marriage as more than a social contract or a transaction.

• It also meant that we can reinvent the marriage. Two years ago we went on a trip we called our second honeymoon. We were celebrating our new relationship. We were recognizing that we were no longer the same people we married and where choosing again to be in a relationship with each other as who we were now and who we were 20 years ago.

• It gives us the courage to communicate about the issues that need to be discussed and not to avoid them indefinitely because they are ‘uncomfortable”. (Number one reason this idea can hurt a mixed faith marriage)

Now we tell each other that divorce is an option and today we are choosing to stay together. It may sound scary to some, but it really makes our marriage more real and more enjoyable. It creates a space for more honesty and more commitment.

Feeling stuck in your marriage? Feeling like you can’t or won’t talk about the hard stuff? You need coaching. I can help. It only takes one person to make a change in a relationship. Let’ talk.

Just CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE YOUR FREE CALL. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com