Church has been a pretty low key affair for the past 13 months in our house. We still do not have in person church yet (at least not full time and only if you sign up). This has meant that Sundays have been kind of nice for us because it simplifies our weekends. My husband puts in his earbuds and attends his meetings while he makes the kids breakfast.  

We also know that this will most likely one day end. Just the other day my husband looked at me and said something  like – this will all change once church starts back up again. We both looked at each other with a kind of knowing that COVID has been a reprieve but not a solution. 

For many with COVID restrictions lifting it brings up several things: how to negotiate Sunday and family time vs church time, how to deal with the decisions that were very conveniently but aside around the children and their church experience. Put another way, if you stay home and they go to church – what to do with the kids??? For many this feels like a kind of tug of war. Where someone loses and someone wins and both usually leave with a bad taste in their mouth. 

What is the solution? This is what many of my clients come to me seeking. How do we do this? 

I have lots of ideas. I have lots of suggestions. None of them really matter unless and until you do one thing first. CLEAN UP YOUR THINKING around parenting and around your relationship with the your spouse. 

When I say clean up your thinking I mean take a honest look at where you coming from around parenting and where you think your spouse is and close up that gap (sometimes it is really big).That gap is usually full of fear, frustration, confusion, and worry.

You can have the perfect action plan, you can say all the right things, but if you are deeply frustrated, afraid, worried and confused you will feel terrible and most likely not get a great result as you negotiate. Your conversations, will seem to always be fraught with tension and defensiveness.  

You may say things in a clumsy way or without being articulate, but if you have closed that gap and removed fear, worry, frustration and confusion you will have such a better chance of success. 

Are you ready to close the gap? Are you ready to have the talk with your spouse about what to do with the kids when it comes to church actives or church teachings? Do you need help figuring out how to close the gap? You need a coach. I offer a few free calls each month. Sign up for yours and lets find out what is going on in your mixed faith marriage and learn if coaching is right for you. 

 

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR A FREE CALL

 

Regards,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

I have complied my own list here. Here I will share a list of resources for teaching kids character and values from a more secular point of view.

Before I go there I want to offer a few ideas to consider:

FIRST: It is totally possible to raise good kids from a religious viewpoint AND from a secular viewpoint. It is also totally possible to shame and demean kids from a religious viewpoint AND a secular viewpoint.

You know REALLY good people who were not raised in the context of the LDS church and its values and principles. You also know REALLY good people who were raised in the LDS church. My point is raising really good kids is not contingent on one or the other.

SECOND: How your kids “turn out” is not dependent on your parenting. You can do all the “right things” and and they won’t turn out, and vice versa. I want to pause here and talk about what it even means to “turn out.” Often that is just an idea of our kids acting similar to us and making similar choices. It may be other kinds of arbitrary standards that maybe do not correlate to our kids and who they are. I think it can be helpful to pause and look at your goals in parenting.


With that said, if you choose to approach your parenting from a more secular perspective – and there are many reasons to do this if you are in a mixed faith marriage or have gone through a faith transition, I wanted to compile a few resources for you to have as you parent your kids.

Resources for teaching kids values from a secular viewpoint

Note: These are all ones I have personally vetted. I know there are many more resources, these are just my top favorites.

–American Girl Doll books

Care and Keeping of You series

A Smart Girl’s Guide series

The Feelings Book

My comment: These are excellent. While they are aimed at girls, you can use them for ideas and sound principles to teach to any child.

-Dr. Shefali Tsbari’s parenting books such as The Conscious Parent.

My comment: This book is about a whole approach to parenting that I feel honors the child. When I child feels honored and seen then they are open to our teachings.

–Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson -No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind

My comment: This was recommend to me by our daughter’s therapist. It was full of practical good advice. I think having a solid groundwork around our parenting makes teaching moments more effective. That is why I list these types of books as basics before actually teaching values.

-Brooke Castillo- The Life Coach School Podcast

My comment: This is a gold mine of resources for ideas to teach children. She is teaching adults, but I have taken her concepts and adapted them for my kids with a great deal of success. It covers topics like how to feel better, how to set goals, how to love, how to set boundaries, why change is hard, accepting pain, emotional processing, and on and on.

-Caroline Dweck – Mindset

My comment: Caroline is brilliant. She teaches about growth and fixed mindset and how to teach our kids to have a growth mindset. A growth mindset is all about being wiling to keep trying, being wiling to show up and how handle hard things.


-Hire a coach/therapist

My comment – This has helped me so much in showing up with my kids and teaching them from a good place, free of shame, manipulation and fear.

-Your own imagination and your own example

My comment – This is your most valuable resource. You know your kids best and what engages them and what does not. You know what lessons they struggle with and what ones they get. We often underestimate our own gifts and knowing regarding our kids because we are afraid of doing it wrong or missing something important. What if you could set aside the fear of messing up and just lean into love and doing what you can for your kids and really let that guide you? You will do AMAZING.


Also, your own modeling of living a life based on values and goodness is more powerful than any lesson plan or talk. What you do is louder than what you say.

Do you need extra help figuring this out. Does it seem like you can’t seem to agree on the most important things with your spouse on parenting? We need to talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME. 

I offer only a few each month. Grab yours now!

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

In my work as a coach for Mormons in mixed faith marriages I am doing a multi part series on teaching kids in a mixed faith marriage. This is a topic that causes a lot of contention, uncertainty and stress. 

The issue I want to tackle here is – how to deal with your spouse teaching or talking about things that you do not agree with. This usually comes up in the context of teaching about gospel topics such as the law of chastity, modesty, priesthood, leadership, authority,  obedience, one true church, history (really I could go on and on). I have also seen it arise over whether one spouse wants a child to participate at all in church activities or in a youth program. 

Full confession, this happens a lot in our house. 

My husband has different political, social and religious views than me so this comes up in many fronts. 

I realized recently that one thing that tends to get me acting defensive, attacking or even just feeling annoyed is when I think my husband is confusing the kids. Which is the same as saying I don’t like how he is teaching them or talking about issues (church or otherwise). I find I try to jump in right then and there and counter whatever he is saying. This is often perceived as rude (maybe because it is) and often derails the conversation and leaves our kids feeling like they have to take sides. 

So when I find myself in that space where I wish he would just shut up or I am tempted to start pontificating – Here is what I do instead. I have to have a little conversation with myself that goes something like this. 

You are annoyed because you think he is going to confuse the kids. Or you think  they are going to one day disagree with your choice to step away from church. Or you think that they will walk the same path of frustration and conforming you did and unnecessarily. Or maybe you are afraid you might be wrong here and they will be confused or make choices that may be challenging for them and you. 

Take a deep breath. He is their father and gets to teach his kids what ever he wants. I get to teach them what ever I want too. But right now its his teaching/interacting time and not mine. I have plenty of opportunities to interact and share my ideas and opinions. 

I wouldn’t want him to counter everything I say to them and I can give him that same gift. Even if he does counter what I say, that is not how I want to show up in this marriage and in this family. I do not want to create a him versus me dynamic here. The kids are not choosing his philosophy or mine, they are choosing their own.

I want my kids to have lots of view points presented to them and that is exactly what is going on now. I want them to think and make their own decisions and they can’t do that without understanding and hearing several viewpoints. 

This type of conversation helps me calm down and often prevents me from sabotaging an otherwise enjoyable evening with my family. 

Let me point out the key aspects of my little chat with myself: 

1. We both get to teach whatever we want to the kids. We are both adults who have that autonomy. I do not want mine hedged and I don’t want to hedge him.

2. Kids are smart and they get to make their own decisions anyway (just like I did). 

3. I get honest with my self and ask, “How do I want to show up in this marriage?” Its not as someone who is petty or tit for tat, I want to be supportive and generous. I would rather be happy than right in this regard. 

I find when I can approach issues like this, then a lot of the details work themselves out. Solutions present themselves where we couldn’t see them before. When I don’t sabotage my husband’s interactions with the kids then there is more respect and kindness in my marriage. I feel better, so I act better. 

Do you need help balancing your beliefs with your spouse’s in your mixed faith marriage? You need a coach. 

 

CLICK HERE TO  SCHEDULE  YOUR FREE CALL WIITH LIFE ME.

 

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

 

There are many charged emotions and strong reactions with alcohol. People feel very strongly about substances like this. That is OK,  peoples thoughts and feelings are always valid.

Often we get requests and boundaries mixed up. This happens a lot with the introduction of things that were once (or still are) considered taboo.

Here are the definitions of a request and a boundary:

Request:  Asking someone to do or not do something.

Boundary: Letting someone know what YOU will do if they do something that crosses a line you have set (this may be a physical, emotional, mental, etc. line). NOTE: This is not telling another what they can or cannot do, it is about what you will do in a certain circumstance.

You cannot stop another adult from consuming alcohol. They are an adult and controlling another adult is manipulation and usually involves a threat.

You can make requests and ask them to do or not do certain things.

Here is an example of a request:

I recognize you feel differently about this than I do. I am not trying to change your mind. I only ask that you please do not drink in front of my parents (or kids or me).

This feels very different than controlling another by saying:

You cannot drink alcohol in this house. PERIOD.

Before I share an example of a boundary it is important to note a few things.

A boundary is something you use when your physical, emotional or mental safety is compromised.

A boundary is all about what you will do when their is a boundary violation. Remember you only can control yourself not the other person.

You can make a request that they do or not not do something, but a boundary is when you make it clear what you will do in the event they continue a behavior.

If you feel that your safety (physical, mental, emotional, etc) is compromised by your spouse drinking, then you can set a boundary. Here is an example of  a physical boundary:

If you drink and hit me, I will spend the night at a hotel (or leave and come back in a few hours).

Here is an example of an emotional boundary:

If you drink and yell at me then I will l leave and spend the night at a hotel (or leave and come back in a few hours.)

It is not common that consuming alcohol alone creates the need for a boundary. It is usually other behavior that may (or may not) come along with drinking alcohol such as yelling or hitting or gas-lighting that amounts to a boundary violation. Not everyone crosses boundaries when they drink.

The most important step in setting a boundary is to follow through with your action. If you say you will leave when they raise their voice, then leave. It is the only way to enforce a boundary.

Here is a recap:  (1) make a request; (2) set a  boundary only if necessary; and (3) follow through and do what you say you will do.

Do you need help with this? It is time we talked. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

What is the impact of feeling stuck and disempowered in your mixed faith marriage?

Do you think of the challenges in your marriage as insurmountable or impossible?

Do you think:

-This isn’t worth it

-This will be too hard.

-I don’t know what to do.

-This can’t work.

These thoughts are going to cause you a lot of marriage problems. Let me explain.

All marriages have issues and things that need to be worked through. You can dread doing the work or you can accept it and even find some level of interest in it.

When we avoid challenges or think we do not like them we are doing ourselves a disservice. Life is a series of challenges. They are the parts that actually make life interesting. They make life worth living. They are the part that take our creativity and compassion.

Next time you have a challenge in your marriage. Tell yourself – Nothing has gone wrong here. This is just part of being married and being a human with a spouse. I can handle this.

See what is different this time.

It may not be “easier” but it may be more fun or least more like a puzzle and less like a torture chamber.

Is it time to look at your mixed faith marriage and its inherent challenges differently?

As a life coach I help my clients to deal with their challenges in a way that does not deplete them or the relationship.

Lets talk. I offer free calls to those who need help with their mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

We sometimes get intimacy confused with something else. That something else is called many things. Maybe you know it as: validation, confirming world views, agreeing on beliefs, seeing eye to eye, echo chamber, on the same page, part of a tribe, or like minded people.

 We all love external confirmation of our ideas and beliefs. It feels good.

We like to feel understood and seen and validated.

We think – I must be right if they agree with me on this.

We are justified in our view point.

It feels safe.

However, in seeking external validation we often neglect intimacy. When we neglect intimacy our relationships suffer and we wonder why we feel so disconnected. We think it is our different beliefs. Its not that, it is really the lack of intimacy.

Sometimes church (or work or kids or the house) and all its busyness, creates a familiarity that can feel like intimacy but it is really just another form of external validation.

However couples in this pattern do not often go deep in their  conversations.  The familiar and the comfort sometimes keep relationships on the surface.

A faith transition often changes the familiar and challenges everyone’s comfort. At first it may feel terrible and like a huge problem to the relationship. The validation is gone. The agreement is gone. The confirmation of beliefs is gone.

This also opens the door wide for intimacy.

Intimacy is a deep connection based that includes emotional connection, vulnerability and openness.

Real intimacy and real respect – the kind that feeds our soul – is born out of seeing things differently and not making it a problem. Real intimacy means not judging the other person for having a different belief and not getting upset that they are not validating our ideology.

It also creates a safety and a marriage container that are AMAZING. This container is not conditional, it is not circumstantial. It are deep and true and beautiful.

This takes work.

This is a lot of the work I do with my clients. It is not our natural tendency. But to really allow the other person to be who they are is a powerful way to build intimacy. Familiarity creates comfort. Intimacy comes from connecting on a deeper level. When there are differing beliefs AND acceptance AND respect then intimacy is achieved and that is more connecting  and fulfilling  than just about anything.

Are you ready to step into intimacy? Are you ready to do the work and create a marriage built on intimacy and not just similarity? It is time we talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Marriages often become a way for us to live out prescribed roles. It  can be an easy and simple way of managing a relationship. Husbands do XYZ, wives do ABC. Everyone fulfills there role and things go smoothly.

I like to think of it as going to the store and buying a marriage kit. It doesn’t take much creativity you just color by number and in the end it looks presentable.

This works for a lot of people. It was certainly how I interacted in my marriage for years!

A faith transition can mess up all of this. It can cause one or both partners to questions and reevaluate their respective roles. This basically messes up the equilibrium in a marriage. We hate this part. It feels unstable, and scary and upsetting. We want things to be like they used to be, but we kind of know there is no going back.

If the husband has been fulfilling the role of the spiritual leader and now he is in a faith crisis – that role is now unfulfilled in the marriage. It feels like something has gone wrong or there is a problem.

For me I was the spiritual director of my family and when I had my faith transition, this role was unfulfilled and it felt weird and unsettling for everyone.

It is common for resentment, confusion, and blame to creep in when there is an unfilled role.

Intimacy, real intimacy is not created in marriages based on roles but based on two individuals working in partnership and constantly negotiating and renegotiating.

Intimacy uses the raw material of marriage and create something totally unique and every changing. Intimacy is messy and not always presentable.

It is also what we usually want more than anything in our relationships.

Intimacy forces us to go deeper and see relationship as more than just fulfilling roles. It forces us to negotiate over and over and over and accept the dynamic nature of any relationship.

It forces us to accept the dynamic nature of our partner.

Many couples who go through a faith transition either completely fall apart or come out stronger in the end. Those who lean into intimacy and develop that are those who find their marriage is more satisfying then ever. Intimacy is hard work, it is scary and requires vulnerability and failure. But it is also necessary to really break out of the role mentality and embrace the partner and marriage and make it work in this new mixed faith marriage.

Are you ready to develop intimacy an the skills that come with it? This is what I teach my clients. We figure out what is preventing intimacy and how to let it flourish.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com