Many couples claim that one partner is logical and the other is emotional (and that this is a problem). Usually the logical partner wishes the emotional one would be more logical the emotional wishes the logical one would be more emotional. Then they both spin into blame and frustration and create distance. A faith transition can cause this subtle (and common) belief system to get pushed to the surface and become a real sore spot. There can become a full out battle of emotion v logic. There is no winner in this battle. Everyone looses.

In my marriage I have held the belief that I am the logical one and my husband is overly emotional. (Our society usually labels men as logical and woman as emotional – not a helpful stereo type but one to be aware of). As the logical one I have believed that emotions are weak or messy or unnecessary.

The underlying premise of the battle between emotion and logic is that one is better than the other. Not true. It is also not true that we are either logical or emotional. We are ALL both.

We sometimes get stuck in beliefs that one way is better or more helpful. This causes us to judge our spouse and ourselves.

When I see evidence that my husband is emotional I may tell myself – Here we go again. He is so fickle or why can’t we discuss this like adults.

When I see evidence that I am emotional I judge myself – Why do I act so stupid. This is a waste of time. I am so ashamed of my outburst.

My husband probably thinks this about me as the“logical” spouse:

She is so cold, she doesn’t even try to understand my feelings.

He may also judge himself.  – I am so calculating. I don’t like this part of me.

The solution is to be able to see the value in both and accept both as good and necessary in life and in a relationship.

As humans we are both logical and emotional. We need both to be successful in our life and in our marriage. No one is fully emotional or fully logical (despite what we may say).

If you claim to be the logical one, find ways you are emotional. Find ways your spouse is logical  and vice versa.

Open up to the possibility that one way is not better than the other, but together they make a whole person.

If you struggle with accepting your spouse and and find yourself frustrated over their logic or emotion let’s talk and find out what is really going on.

This binary approach is not going to help you in your marriage. There is a better way of approaching your marriage.

One on one coaching is the BEST tool I know of to really get to the heart of these issues. Reach out and let’s set up a time to talk and see if one on one coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need.  CLICK HERE to learn more.

A good wife makes her husband happy

I want to help my husband feel better.

Happy wife, happy life.

Those sound really nice. They seem like they would be really helpful in your marriage. They are probably what you and I have been taught about a good relationship.

What if they are not helping you at all? What if they are actually hurting your marriage?

These thoughts can be harmful because when we tell them to ourselves we are effectively setting ourselves up for failure.

You cannot make another person feel anything. You cannot make them feel better, feel happy, sad or feel anything. You sometimes trick yourself  into thinking you can make them feel better because your actions sometimes seem to make them feel better – but it is really what they are making your actions mean that helps them feel better and not actually your actions. (You know sometimes you say the wrong thing and they are ok, and sometimes you say the perfect thing and they freak out).

This may seem like an inconsequential difference. it is not. When you try to make another feel differently, you are going to fail most of the time. When you fail most of the time we are going to be frustrated in the relationship and get resentful that they are not feeling better after ALL you have done. Now you are blaming them for how you are feeling – If they would feel better, I could feel better! It is a losing cycle that creates a whole lot of codependency.

Another option is to take responsibility for your own emotions and let others take responsibility for their emotions and them decide how you want to show up in your marriage regardless of how they are feeling or acting. This is so much more empowering because its 100% in your control.

When you want them to feel better it is always because you think  you feel better when they feel better. This may be true, but do you want to wait on the other person to feel better?

So how do you want to show up in your marriage? How do you want to feel about your spouse and marriage? You get to decide. You can’t decide how they will feel and how they will show up, but you get to decide how you will feel and how you will show up.

Telling yourself that you can make them happy is going to cause some frustration because it is just not true. They are the steward of their own emotions and their own happiness. You are the steward of yours.

Are you ready for some one on one coaching to really get this figured out? Are you tired of carrying the emotional weight of two or three or twenty -three? Reach out and let’s talk and see if coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

Love feel amazing. When we are feeing love we act lovingly. 

Often we get loved mixed up with other emotions. We think love hurts. There are thousands of love songs about how love hurts. That is NOT love. They are singing about another emotions: disappointment, fear, anxiety, loss, but not love. 

I see in my clients that they genuinely love each other and want their marriage to be a success. They also feel  a lot of feelings that do not look anything like love. Usually when you are feeling disappointment, fear, anxiety, or loss it means you have stopped loving. 

If you are hurting. You have stopped loving. 

If you are sad, you have stopped loving. 

If you are angry, you have stopped loving.

Now there is nothing wrong with being hurt and sad and angry. Those are normal  and important emotions. I just don’t want you to think you are acting out of love when you are acting from those emotions. Love feels very different than those emotions and creates very different results in  your relationship. 

What most people want in their marriage is connection and love. They want open communication and they want intimacy. Love can create those things. When you are feeling love, it is easy to be vulnerable and honest and open and to reach out and connect even in the face of rejection. 

When you are feeling disappointment and rejection, anxiety or sadness that changes completely. You act differently then when you feel love. This is why is is important to recognize when we are feeling love and feeling something different. If you want certain results in your marriage then you have to create the right environment for the results to be achieved. Fear, disappoint, anger and sadness do not create connection and intimacy.

Are you feeling love? If if feels great it is probably love, if it hurts it is probably somethings else, You need to know this if you want to create more connection otherwise you might end up creating more hurt or anxiety.

Are you looking to learn more about love and looking to create more connection and intimacy? Let’s talk. I help my clients do just this through one on one coaching.  

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Many clients come to me and ask, “How Can I accept them? I don’t respect what they believe or think. I cannot accept this.” 

We then usually talk about the emotions respect and acceptance.

Respect and acceptance  are not just something that happen – we create them.

We create them with the how we think about the other person. 

You may not respect their beliefs, ideas, ideology, way of communicating or life choices. But are those things and choices the person? Is the person worthy of respect? Why? Why not? 

Sometimes we cannot respect another person for whatever reason. Then be honest with yourself and decide what that means for the relationship. 

Sometimes we can respect them and just don’t like their decision or change. Be honest about that too. 

In my relationship, I respect my husband for his loyalty. I respect him for his commitment. I respect him for his courage. 

At the same time I don’t necessarily like his beliefs. I don’t need to like his beliefs in order to respect him. There are so many aspects I can respect about him. Sure there are gong to be areas where he is less than perfect and harder to “respect”. But it is still my choice. I may choose to respect him because it creates a result I want in my relationship. I may choose to respect him and not agree at all. 

Acceptance is similar. Just because I accept that there is a faith transition doesn’t mean that I have to like the reasons behind it. Just because I accept where my spouse is on a certain topic doesn’t mean I have to agree with that stance. 

Acceptance and respect are not condoning. They are just choosing to accept what is actually happening and see that person as a person worthy of respect. 

Being able to accept the changes to the relationship and respect the other person (even if you do not agree) can really help release a lot of pressure in a mixed faith marriage. 

I have noticed when a spouse feels disrespected , it is not at all uncommon that they are not respecting their  spouse in return. You see our spouse cannot actually make us feel respected or accepted. When we struggle feeling respected and accepted. it is usually because we are not respecting and accepting ourselves. It is not uncommon that our spouse may very well respect us, but we are unable to feel it and believe it because of the lack of self acceptance and self respect. 

Do you want to talk about where you struggle with acceptance and respect? Let’s talk! 

 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I have heard their is a need to establish boundaries in a Mormon mixed faith marriage. This may be true and this may not be true. Here we are going to talk about when a boundary is a good idea and how to set one and when we are really just trying to punish or control another person or reacting to our pain and hurt. 

A boundary only needs to be set if you have a boundary violation. A boundary violation occurs when someone invades  your physical, mental or emotional space. This is very rare. 

When a boundary violation occurs you can choose how YOU are going to respond. The purpose is not to change the other person to but be clear on what you are going to do about the violation. 

here is an example from a MFM of things that are not boundaries:

-We have to all go to the same church together. 

-You can’t read scriptures to the kids. 

These are not a boundaries, these are threats. 

These are designed to get the other person to act in a certain way. 

We cannot control other people. Period. That is why these do not work and only cause more frustration. 

We often say things like this because we are scared, frustrated and hurt. 

In fact in this situation a boundary is not even needed because there has not been an encroachment across a boundary. 

A request may be more acceptable. 

You can make these requests, such as:

-I would prefer if we all went to the same church together, but understand you get to choose how you spend your time on Sunday

-I would ask you don’t (or do) read scriptures with the kids, but I cannot stop you. I only ask we discuss it further so we can at least understand where we both stand. 

When a boundary really needs to be set to protect yourself physically, mentally or emotionally then here are my recommendations:

1. Start from love – set a boundary from love not fear, frustration or hurt. 

2. State what you are gong to do and do not expect them to change at all.

It may look like this:

-This marriage is so important to me that if you are going to yell at me, I am going to leave the room. 

The most important things with an effective boundary is to come from love (not control or frustration) and make sure you follow through with what you are going to do (in this case leave the room).

Common mistake:

I see many people say they don’t want others to talk to them about church (whether for or against)  and they need to set a boundary – meaning tell the other person to stop and desist. Unfortunately, this is not an effective boundary. In this situation say you have an in law who wants to talk to you about your faith transition or your spouse’s faith transition and you are not comfortable with that here are a few things to consider:

-You can request they do not discuss church.  

-You cannot control what they talk about, but you can let them know you are not interested in having this conversation and if they persist you will leave the room. 

-Act from love for them and for the relationship and love for yourself. 

Boundaries done right are some of the most loving things we can do for others and for ourself. It shows our respect and that we really do care about this relationship. The relationship matters enough that we are willing to be uncomfortable to make it better and remove the resentment that happens when we don’t set boundaries. 

REMINDERS: 

A boundary is not about getting the other person to change or modify there behavior. The purpose is to be clear about your response to the violation. 

Set a boundary from love not fear or pain. 

Boundaries set from love not fear  are often just a form of manipulation or punishment. 

Do you need help figuring out boundaries and requests. Do you need help figuring out how to keep the resentment out of a relationship? Let’s talk  

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Our relationship we have with others is just the accumulation of thoughts we have about them. Our thoughts about what they say, how they act, what they look like. Out thoughts about their choices, their accomplishments, their haircut. Our thoughts about what they eat, what they wear, and how they spend their time. Our thoughts about their mission (or lack of it), their scripture reading, their church attendance, etc. 

Many times my clients tell me that they don’t want to ignore reality and what is really happening in their marriage. I always wonder what that even means. We are interpreting reality through our thoughts all day, every day. WE tell ourselves what is happening in our relationship. Others have their own version and we have no control over that version. We have ALL the control over our own version. 

I have had this experience with my husband at the end of a week:

Me: What a great week, we really connected and I loved it. 

Him: I don’t know what you are taking about, we fought all week. 

(This conversation is also just as likely the other way around.)

We both experienced the same conversations, the same hugs, the same dinners AND we both had opposite experiences. This is because we had very different thoughts about what we experienced. We thought our own thoughts about the relationship and came to different conclusions.

Sometimes my clients will say, if my partner is not happy I need to know that so I can do something about it (which usually means so I can feel bad too). I wonder if feeling bad that our spouse is feeling bad helps anything? Look at the example I provided. Feeling bad along with my husband does not help him feel better. Said another way (you cannot get sick to help a sick person feel well or get poor to help a poor person get rich). 

I often ask my clients, what do you want in this relationship? Is what you are currently thinking, feeling and doing going to get you that result? You really have the choice to think and feel something else. This is not delusional, at least not any more delusional that the story you are currently telling yourself that is getting you your current results. 

Write out the current “story” of your marriage. What are all the thoughts you are having? What is the theme? Do you like it? Do you like how you are showing up right now? Do you like the results in your marriage? If you do not and want to change, I recommend starting with the story which is a list of thoughts you are having. What else could be true here? What else could you tell yourself instead? 

Are you ready to create a new relationship? If its time, let’s talk. It only takes one willing person to make big changes. 

 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

You are probably aware of long and short term consequences. When you eat a cupcake in the short term you get pleasure in the moment, but in long term gain unwanted weight or get a sugar headache. Perhaps you do not like those results. Perhaps what you really want is a healthy body and the short term pleasure prevents what you from getting what you really want (a healthy body). 

This happens in our mixed faith marriages too. We indulge in short term pleasure and disregard the long term consequences. Just like with a cupcake when we do this we rob ourselves of what we REALLY want. 

Short term pleasures in our marriage usually looks like indulging in defensiveness or angry outbursts because you feel justified. There are probably lots of things to justify your anger and frustration. It can feel good to “let it rip” and yell and be angry or tell them off. Acting on our anger can be a dopamine hit just like the sugar rush from the cupcake. BUT does it provide what you REALLY want for your relationship. 

Side Note: Anger is not in and of itself a problem – it is another human emotion and acceptable. We all experience anger. Acting reactively out of our anger can often be a problem. 

What if instead of saying snarky things, withdrawing or getting passive aggressive what if we  listen and/or  show compassion? What might be the long term consequences of that behavior? 

Let me give an example:

Your partner wants to show you a Instagram post about something they feel strongly about. You are not so interested. For the believing spouse maybe its a post about reading and praying more, for non believing spouse maybe its  a quote about a historical discrepancy. 

You have a choice here. You can have your justification cupcake and let them know just how annoying that behavior is or you can listen (really listen and try to understand them – not talking about agreeing with them or pretending to listen or mentally rolling your eyes). 

What are the consequences of those choices? What one will really create the marriage and relationship you want? 

We know too many cupcakes are a problem, so to is too much mental eye rolling. We seek the short term gain of venting our frustration and forget the longer term benefit of genuinely listening and seeking to understand. 

Is is time to get some help and learn what keeping you from choosing to listen and understand? Does it feel like the defensiveness just comes out without any control? I help my clients become emotionally responsible so they don’t find themselves in outbursts but can choose to show up as they truly want in their marriage. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

 

There is a way our brains process and categorize people and events in our lives that I call the  ‘us versus them mentality’. Our brains are efficient and love to put people, events, and circumstances in categories. For example, good or bad, rich or poor, old or young, right or wrong, member or nonmember, active or inactive and on and on.

When our own spouse in now in the ‘other’ category, our brain can struggle with how to reconcile the seeming differences. Sometimes at this point we tell ourselves, “This is too big of a difference” or “We are not not the same page” or “we cannot bridge this gap”.  In  reality it is just our brain being efficient ( read lazy).

When our brain tell us that there is no solution here, it is just saying up till this point it has not needed to find a solution here (when you were both attending church there was not need to figure out how to manage one partner staying home).

In reality there are solutions to many mixed faith marriage issues. We need to not let our brains off the hook and keep looking for solutions. The brain is totally capable of doing this. It just prefers to use its default neural pathways first (us v. them mindset). If we refuse to believe that the gap is too big to bridge we put our brain to work to find solutions. When we refuse  to believe that this can’t work if we are not on the same page with church and we have to create new neural pathways that show us that it can work.

This takes time and discipline, but it is how some of  the most amazing things in our world have come to be – when people  refuse to buy into the current set of limitations their brain is telling them.

Yes, a mixed faith marriage can be wonderful. Yes, there are solutions to the problems you face within your mixed faith marriage.

Are you ready to retrain your brain and find some of those solutions for your mixed faith marriage? Let’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com