Marriages often become a way for us to live out prescribed roles. It  can be an easy and simple way of managing a relationship. Husbands do XYZ, wives do ABC. Everyone fulfills there role and things go smoothly.

I like to think of it as going to the store and buying a marriage kit. It doesn’t take much creativity you just color by number and in the end it looks presentable.

This works for a lot of people. It was certainly how I interacted in my marriage for years!

A faith transition can mess up all of this. It can cause one or both partners to questions and reevaluate their respective roles. This basically messes up the equilibrium in a marriage. We hate this part. It feels unstable, and scary and upsetting. We want things to be like they used to be, but we kind of know there is no going back.

If the husband has been fulfilling the role of the spiritual leader and now he is in a faith crisis – that role is now unfulfilled in the marriage. It feels like something has gone wrong or there is a problem.

For me I was the spiritual director of my family and when I had my faith transition, this role was unfulfilled and it felt weird and unsettling for everyone.

It is common for resentment, confusion, and blame to creep in when there is an unfilled role.

Intimacy, real intimacy is not created in marriages based on roles but based on two individuals working in partnership and constantly negotiating and renegotiating.

Intimacy uses the raw material of marriage and create something totally unique and every changing. Intimacy is messy and not always presentable.

It is also what we usually want more than anything in our relationships.

Intimacy forces us to go deeper and see relationship as more than just fulfilling roles. It forces us to negotiate over and over and over and accept the dynamic nature of any relationship.

It forces us to accept the dynamic nature of our partner.

Many couples who go through a faith transition either completely fall apart or come out stronger in the end. Those who lean into intimacy and develop that are those who find their marriage is more satisfying then ever. Intimacy is hard work, it is scary and requires vulnerability and failure. But it is also necessary to really break out of the role mentality and embrace the partner and marriage and make it work in this new mixed faith marriage.

Are you ready to develop intimacy an the skills that come with it? This is what I teach my clients. We figure out what is preventing intimacy and how to let it flourish.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I can’t improve my marriage because my spouse is not interesting in seeking help.

I hear this a lot.

Here is what I would tell you if you were my client:

1. It only takes one person to materially improve a relationship.

I know you may think I am crazy to suggest this. But consider it may be true. Your relationship is what you think about the other person. You can think anything you want. If you start to think differently and feel differently and act differently – you WILL get different results.

2. You cannot change another person. If you could, I would teach you how. But it is not possible. Your point of power is in you. You doing your own work on yourself is ALL you can do and it is ENOUGH.

3. Boundaries are what you will use if someone violates your health and safety. You hear  a lot of talk about needing boundaries. What people usually mean is needing others to change so they can feel better. Refusing to go together to therapy or to coaching is not a boundary violation. You can request your spouse attend with you, but they get to choose if they want to participate.

Each individual has to decide if they are willing  and how they will work on the relationship. Your approach may look different than your spouse’s approach. You have to decide that you doing the work will be enough and not choose to indulge in resentment that he/she is getting a free pass. You have to decide if you are willing to go all in because it is worth it. Then you have to remind yourself (like 100 times) of that decision.

I did the work on me and my marriage improved like150%. AND I knew that I had truly tried.

Is is time to go all in? Is is time to give it 150%? Let’s talk . One person is enough to make SERIOUS changes.

Are you ready to be that person?

CLICK HERE to set up a free call where we talk about your marriage and what you want to create and see if coaching is the right solution for you. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

This used to be how my husband and I approached our marriage. We were taught this and it sounded good, right? It is very common marriage advice in LDS marriages. At least it was for us.

Over time, we have both come to realize that this idea was not necessarily working in our favor, especially in the face of a mixed faith  marriage. Here are some of our realizations:

• When divorce was not an option, we realized there was the tendency to feel stuck, like we had no choice. It most definitely felt like a life sentence and less like a the kind of marriage we had hoped for. It also felt like we were at the mercy of our 20 something selves.

• When we see divorce as an option it means we choose regularly to stay. We choose to do the work to make this marriage work so we want to stay.

• For me, it meant that I was staying because I wanted to. Not because I had to for financial or child care reasons. It helped me see the marriage as more than a social contract or a transaction.

• It also meant that we can reinvent the marriage. Two years ago we went on a trip we called our second honeymoon. We were celebrating our new relationship. We were recognizing that we were no longer the same people we married and where choosing again to be in a relationship with each other as who we were now and who we were 20 years ago.

• It gives us the courage to communicate about the issues that need to be discussed and not to avoid them indefinitely because they are ‘uncomfortable”. (Number one reason this idea can hurt a mixed faith marriage)

Now we tell each other that divorce is an option and today we are choosing to stay together. It may sound scary to some, but it really makes our marriage more real and more enjoyable. It creates a space for more honesty and more commitment.

Feeling stuck in your marriage? Feeling like you can’t or won’t talk about the hard stuff? You need coaching. I can help. It only takes one person to make a change in a relationship. Let’ talk.

Just CLICK HERE to set up a time for a free call to find out if coaching is right for you. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Many people new to a mixed faith marriage  have been told that it is HARD and CHALLENGING and probably won’t work. Its no surprise that is then exactly what is experienced.

What often happens is that we start to notice and focus on all the problems. We make the list and repeat that list often.

-Sundays are hard.

-The kids will be confused.

-This is terrible.

-This won’t work.

-I don’t know if I can do this.

-This is a problem.

and on and on.

We give all our attention to the problems. We ignore the rest.

I am suggesting that yes, there are issues that are real to your marriage. Yes, you may want to focus on them. You may also want to spend some time focusing on what is working and what is wonderful or helpful or nice about your marriage.

Give equal time to both. I am not saying ignore the “bad” stuff. I am saying don’t ignore the “good” stuff.

For all the time you give to the problems, make sure you give an equal amount of time to the stuff you are grateful for as well.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

-We both love our kids

-We are good partners when it comes to (making dinner, putting kids to bed, taking care of the lawn etc)

-We enjoy doing _________ together.

-We have overcome ____________ together.

-We have a nice home that we have created together.

-We are doing what we think is right.

Its ok to be real and see the problems. – life is not all rainbows and daisies, but it is also not all black tar and storm clouds. Both are lies. Tell yourself the truth and notice both the bad and the good in your marriage. This will help. When we spend all our time and energy focused on the problems we cannot find any solutions.

Love this idea and want more great tools and help for your mixed faith marriage? I can help. You can have a great marriage no matter what! It only takes one partner willing to do the work. Let’s talk and get you the help you need.

All you need to do is CLCIK HERE to schedule a free call and we will arrange a time to talk about your marriage and what you want to create in your marriage and see if coaching is the right tool to get you there.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

A mixed faith marriage provides all sorts of new experiences. Jealousy might be one of them.

Jealousy is a feeling. It means someone has something you want and can’t have. It means some one is winning and you are losing. It usually means that there is not enough to go around and you are left with the short end of the stick.

How this might present in a mixed faith marriage:

Jealous of the church for taking your spouses time and attention.

Jealous of on-line groups that take your spouse’s time and attention.

Jealous of couples who are both in or both out.

Jealous of those mixed faith couples who seem to have figured it out and not be suffering.

Jealous they can afford counseling or a coach.

Where do you experience jealousy?

I used to see other couples where they both left and wanted to be there in my marriage. I wanted my husband change and see things the way I did. I thought I would be happier and things would be easier if that happened.

That was not true. It was just what I was thinking. I could have just as easily looked at another couple and felt inspired or grateful or motivated.

When I chose jealously it made me judge my husband more and feel bad for myself and I sunk deeper into blame and victimhood. When I could look at others and celebrate where they were and what was working for them, I could see possibility and I could feel love and gratitude. You can imaging how I might show up in my marriage when feeling a victim versus feeling gratitude. BIG DIFFERENCE.

Now I love to look at others and choose to be  inspired by what is possible and inspired by their journey and celebrate what they have created.

This serves me and my mixed faith marriage so much better then jealousy.

Do you feel jealous? Do you get upset at what you are missing out on? Do you believe that you would be happier if things just changed in your marriage? Coaching is just what you need. Let’s connect and talk to see just how coaching tools can help you see and feel totally different about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE for a free call and we will set up a time to talk about your marriage and coaching. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
brookeboothcoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Have you ever been flooded with emotions in a conversation? It can cause you to loose focus and become very ineffective at communicating clearly.

The best thing is to just slow down and allow the emotions. Process it right then and there.

Allowing and accepting our emotions without judgment and without shame is critical to successful and ongoing communication. So often, we get upset that we are upset. We get ashamed that we are angry.

When I have processed the emotions then and only then does my reasoning comes back on line and I can find solutions to whatever needs discussing.

Example:

My husband expresses concern about kids taking the easy path and not attending church with him but staying home with me.

I get flooded with emotions (anger in this case) because I am thinking, “He thinks I am lazy. He thinks I am taking the easy path. He thinks my way is wrong.”

This is what happens when I do not process my anger: 

I reply back from my anger and say, “I think you are lazy to not question this church. You are too scared to take an honest look.”

You can imaging what may happen next. Maybe you know from personal experience. It is not pretty.

The result is that things get worse not better.

This is what happens when I take the time to process my anger:

I excuse myself and journal what I am feeling:

My head is fuzzy. My hands are hot. My stomach in tight.

I may remind myself that there is no shame in feeling anger. It is a human emotions and I am human. There is no problem in feeling anger. I am choosing to process it and feel and and not act out in anger.

Maybe I take a walk alone or pet the dog.

Then I am ready to come back and listen to my husbands concerns with an open mind.

The result here is that I show up as as the spouse I want to be.

Sometimes I will simply say, “I am full of emotions (maybe name it, if I can) and can’t talk about this in a helpful way anymore. Can we come back to this after I have processed this?”

Then I go and process it. Sometimes I will do this with my husband right there. I may tell him what I am feeling. I will describe out loud the sensations in my body. I may say: “My chest is tingling and I my throat is tight and my face is flushed.” This helps me to stay present with my emotions and allow them without judgment and without shame.

We are not taught how to deal with our emotions. You may need a life coach to help you in your mixed faith marriage. Dealing with our emotions is one of the many things I teach my clients to help them really turn around their marriage. It may sound soft, but emotional work is some of the most profound work available. It is transformational.

CLICK HERE  to set up a time for a free, no obligation, call and we can find out if I can help you improve your marriage.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
brookeboothcoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

It is not the cruel criticism of people who hate us that shakes us from our knowing, it is the quiet concern of those who love us.

    -Glenon Melton Doyle

This made me think of a conversation I had with some friends (pre-COVID-19). We were out to dinner with some friends going through a faith transition and another mixed faith marriage couple. One man who was in a faith transition was agonizing over the thought of telling his mom (who was serving a mission is Nauvoo) that he was no longer believing. I could see the stress and pain it was causing him.

He was not concerned about haters in general and people who attacked. Instead he could not bear that thought of his mother’s “quiet concern”.

Been there? This was similar with my husband. He was not the type to get upset and yell and shout and demand I change. Instead he would get quiet and mourn and wonder what he did wrong.

Both reactions are excruciating.

The truth is we cannot control how others act (say, think, feel –  anything). What we do have control over is how we choose to think, feel and respond.

Whether you mom (or spouse) will show quiet concern or lecture or cry is not something we can control. What will we do, when they do what they do, is our only concern. How do we want to show up no matter what she does? When we put our focus there, we are much more powerful and can focus where we can actually make a difference.

Let’s look at that.

How do you want to show up? What kind of daughter/spouse/son/sibling do you want to be? Get clear on that and then no matter what they say or do, that is how you show up.

You may need to practice, you may fail a few times, keep trying. You may need a coach to help you get the right thoughts and feelings in place to truly act that way, but it is in your control and that is where you can be 100% in control.

Do you have relationships where you concerned about their reactions? Do you need help really knowing how you are going to respond no matter what they say or do? I am here to help. I help my clients really step forward with confidence in their relationships that are impacted by a faith transition. Reach out and let’s set ups time talk, its free and there is zero obligation.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A CALL WITH ME!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Christmas is coming!

Christmas is a religious holiday and that can be challenging for some in a mixed faith marriage.

Does Christmas start with the First Presidency Devotional and end in reading the nativity story as a family?

Does dinner with the family always include a devotional or lesson?

Do your vacation plans include an elaborate way of finding a ward to attend as you drive across the continental US to be with family?

That’s pretty common in LDS tradition to interweave religion with pretty much every aspect of life, especially Christmas. I chose these examples as they are all from my own personal experience and I expect at least somewhat part of yours.

If you are the transitioning spouse – How to deal with this?

If you are the non transiting souse – How to support spouse or not offend ?

The real question is how to still have fun and connect as a family when there are differences in religion  that impact family traditions?

I don’t know the exact thing for you to do. But you do. Or at least you can start having ideas when you stop acting like the victim.

You might be thinking, “Me the victim? No way!”

Often we don’t even recognize when we are in victim mentality.

We are being a victim when we blame others, when we tell ourselves that this is terrible and frustrating, and when we believe there is no good solution.

When we are a victim we simple DO NOT find solutions.

Let me explain.

-My in laws are so judgmental and will never understand me.

-I wish we could just have a family get together without all the scripture reading.

-Why does my spouse have to ruin our Christmas by complaining about the church stuff? That is the most important part to me.

When we tell ourselves these things, or things like these. It usually causes us to feel terrible. We feel like our holidays have been hijacked. We feel like others don’t care about us. Those are all symptoms of victim thinking.

Victims are not problem solvers. They are disempowered. They do things like wallow.

There is nothings wrong with being a victim. Please hear me on this. But is it how you want to show up with your family? Is is how you want to act at Christmas?

If you want something different. If you want to be able to find solutions you have to leave victimhood behind.

One of the most transformative things you can offer to yourself and your family is the gift of your own empowerment. It is highly attractive and highly contagious.

If you find yourself slipping onto victim thinking around holidays or family activities WE NEED TO TALK. I help people just like you create new relationship with your spouse after a faith transition. It is empowering and the opposite of victim mentality.

Lets talk and find out where you , what are your patterns and tendencies and find out where you want to be. It is a fun process that brings clarity and empowerment just by going through it.

Just CLICK HERE and we can set  up a free phone call.

Once you let go of victim mentality you will more easily figure out  how to have fun and connect as a family when there are differences in religion. It is possible.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com