In my own home and with my clients) a sort of tug of war to win the hearts and minds of the kids. To try to convince the kids that my side (I am taking faith here) is right and the other is wrong. It kind of has the feel of trying to court votes.

So what to do so you don’t end up with the kids in between a debating or boxing match?

My mom (mother of 9 kids) would often tell me (when I came to her complaining of a wrong done by one of my sibling to me) “ It takes two to make a fight”. This is good advice here.

It takes two to play tug of war. It takes two to debate.

Here are a two things that have helped me to put down the boxing gloves about the kids

ONE: The kids get to make their own decisions. We cannot make their decisions. I can suggest, advise. threaten, berate, but they get to decide what to believe. I don’t care what age they are, this is their choice. Yes, I realize younger kids tend to just believe what we tell them, but developmentally that has a time frame that expires. Ultimately at the end of the day it is only their choice.

TWO: This is not about the kids. The kids sometimes become a symbol of what is going on internally with the parents. We as parents want another to validate our own decision (to stay or leave) and when we see the kids choose our choice we feel validated in our own decision. I have learned to let the kids be who they are and I need to learn how to have my own back regarding my own decisions.

Are you in a silent but real tug of war in your LDS mixed faith marriage? Not really sure how it started and even less sure how to end it. I can help. I am a coach you specializes in LDS mixed faith marriages. There are solutions. There are tools. You do not need struggle.

Reach out to me and schedule on of my free calls. (I only offer a few each month). This is a GREAT opportunity to really dive deep into your mixed faith marriage with me.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I used to be uncomfortable with my spouse’s disappointment or anger or sadness.  I used to think things like:

-I can’t hurt them like this
-They will be so hurt if they knew
-This will make them so sad
-This will shatter their dreams

So many people I coach struggle with seeing their spouse experience sadness or disappointment around their faith status or the mixed faith marriage.

I my opinion, this is often the number one reason those experiencing a faith transition do not share openly about their experience – others may be sad, disappointed, afraid, or just plain uncomfortable with your faith transition.

We ultimately think we are in charge of managing our spouse’s sadness, disappointment, fear or discomfort. Said another way, we think we are in charge of managing their emotions.

What helped me was to learn that I cannot control or manage my spouse’s emotions. Not ever. Sometimes it appears that way, but that is a coincidence and not the reality. Other people  always get to choose their own emotions. My actions do not cause another’s emotions.

When I fell into the common trap of thinking that my actions caused my spouse’s emotions it means I am responsible for their emotions and that I should blame myself when they have an emotional response. It causes me to not allow them ownership over their emotions.

This doesn’t mean I have an excuse to be rude or demeaning.

When I was able to learn this and start taking responsibility for my own emotions and not take responsibility for my husband’s emotions it helped me focus on areas I could change and improve and not focus on areas that were beyond my control. It helped me to allow him to be sad or disappointed and allow him to manage his emotions instead of jumping in and trying to change who he was and how he was experiencing his life.

This may sound like small potatoes. IT IS NOT. So much of what makes a relationship healthy and vibrant is to be emotionally responsible and to manage your emotions and let others manage their own emotions. This is the secret recipe for a relationship  full of connection and love.

If you are always trying to manage things so your spouse is never sad, disappointed or uncomfortable emotionally, you are probably on the path to burn out as you are trying to control what you cannot. (I know I have been there)

Message me and let’s see if coaching can help you let go of this pattern and use your energy to focus on what you can do to help your relationship thrive.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I recently talked to a protestant (never mormon) friend and she was telling me about her daughter who was dating a Mormon. She was interested in what I do as a coach because she was having many of the same questions as my clients.

How do you raise kids when the parents don’t agree? How about eternity? How about believing your spouse will go to hell?

I was super interested in how fast she pinpointed some of the biggest pain points.

Here are some ideas to consider if you are considering a mixed faith relationship or in one.

1. You can have  great relationship. Sharing religious beliefs is not mandatory to a great marriage.

2. All marriages are mixed faith of some sort. No two people see things exactly the same. Even when I was “believing” my husband and I had differing views on parenting and any number of other issues. The mixed faith marriage did not create  the differences, it just highlights them. Differences are NORMAL. You can make the differences mean your marriages is terrible or you can make it mean it is just a normal issue to work through (like a budget).

3. What do you want the foundation of your marriage to be built on? Many people choose religion, but when that shifts it can be painful to a relationship. What do you want your foundation to be? Love? Respect? Obedience? Temple worthiness? I can’t answer these questions for you – only you can.

If your mixed faith marriage is overwhelming to you, you may need a coach to work through the sticky parts. That is ok. It is ok to get some outside perspective and troubleshoot some areas. Your marriage is worth it. You are too.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Sometimes when a spouse steps away from the church this can take many forms. There is no one way. Here a just a few options: still attend, just don’t believe in the doctrine or certain tenants stop attending but leave names on records of the church formal resignation (have name removed from records of the church) There is no right way to step away from church. For some the choice to resign is best for their mental and emotional health. For others it doesn’t matter at all if their name is still on the records. Everyone is unique. Here we are going to talk about when a spouse decides to resign and some of the common issues that arise. Each couple has its own reactions and issues – here we will discuss some things I have seen come up with myself and my clients around resignation. Resignation can be very sad and challenging for the believing spouse. It seems like their goal of an eternal family is not obtainable. It may feel like the hope that their spouse my come back in now dead. For the spouse seeking resignation there is often a great deal of concern about their spouse’s reaction and extended family’s reaction. They have lost their church community, will they now loose their family community and marriage community as well? There can be concerns about the children and lessons that their mom or dad is not righteous  or as good as their other parent. This is can be set up for a lot of drama and a lot of stress. Here are a few things to practice and consider: Every problem has a solution. This is one of my favorite sayings. When up to our eyeballs in stress and fear we forget this. We think we are the exception. We think this problem does NOT have a solution and that is where we are wrong. I am trained as an attorney and have practices commercial litigation for years. When I was new I would get a case and think – this is a looser, we can’t win. My boss would always say – there is a solution here – and he was right. There was always a solution to the most daunting legal pickle AND there is a solution in your mixed faith marriage. Just like with each case, it may take some work, and getting some help, and getting some advice from a more seasoned attorney,  but there is always a solution – always. Are you willing to believe there is a solution and keep looking for it, or are you going to throw in the towel ? Other people’s experiences and stories are not our own. Unfortunately there are many terrible stories about mixd faith marriages and how they are terrible and full of suffering and unhappy spouses. THIS IS NOT THE CASE FOR ALL MIXED FAITH MARRIAGES. There are many non mixed faith marriages that fit this description as well. There are mixed faith marriages that work beautifully and raise wonderful kids. Can you believe that? Does it feel possible? If you practice believing that you will feel better and you will create a better mixed faith marriage. Fear is a terrible decision maker. Fear is a terrible driver. It speeds and drives on the shoulder and often just ends up in the ditch. LOVE is a much better driver. It never speeds, and always gets you where you want to go. If you are facing resignation or your spouse is considering resignation and you are freaking out. Its probably a good idea to get some coaching. Reach out and let’s talk and see if coaching will help you and your marriage. CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME Talk to you soon, Brooke Booth, JD Certified Life Coach

The worst fear of many parents is that their kids leave the church. It is sometimes the case in a mixed faith marriage that the kids “follow” the transitioning spouse out of the church. Thereby realizing their other parents worst fear.

I have seen (like in my own home) a sort of tug of war to win the hearts and minds of the kids – to convince them that one side is right and the other is wrong. It kind of has the feel of trying to court votes. This sometimes leads to courting and not parenting.

So what to do so you don’t end up in a win – loose situation. A situation where you win if the kids follow you (but your spouse looses) or vice versa.

My mom (mother of 9 kids) would often tell me (when I came to her complaining of a wrong done by one of my sibling to me) “ It takes two to make a fight”. This is good advice here.

It takes two to play tug of war. It takes two to have a win/loose situation. It takes two to debate.

Here are a two  tips to help you  put down the boxing gloves about the kids:

1. The kids get to make their own decisions. You or your spouse are not making their decisions. You can suggest, advise. threaten, berate, but they get to decide what to believe. I don’t care what age they are, this is their choice. Yes, I realize younger kids tend to just believe what you tell them, but developmentally that has a time frame that expires. Ultimately at the end of the day Your kids KNOW there are choices when it comes to faith and belief (their parents are showing them that in real time).

2. This is not about the kids. The kids sometimes become a symbol of what is going on internally with  the parents. We as parents  want another to validate our own decision (to stay or leave) and when we see the kids choose one or the other we feel validated in our own decision. Let the kids be who they are and the parents need to learn how to have their own backs regarding their own decisions.

Are you trying to figure this out? Need a little support? Or a lot? Click here to learn more about working with me: https://brookeboothcoaching.com/work-with-brooke/

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Maybe you have been in a mixed faith marriage for a while, maybe it is brand new territory, in either case I have something to HELP you in a significant way. 

I have been working with one on one and in groups with clients for a while; coaching and helping them with their mixed faith marriages. I love this work. I love seeing clients transform their marriages and relationships for the better. I love seeing people create amazing things in their lives and in their families – amazing things like more love, stronger relationships, successful difficult conversations, connection, and respect. 

I know not everyone is interested or in a position to hire a coach to work through their Mormon mixed faith marriage. 

To be clear I think having a coach is the best way to get results and strengthen your mixed faith marriage. I also get that it just isn’t what works in every situation. 

With that in mind, I want to tell you about my new home study course. A way you can strengthen your mixed faith marriage under the guidance of a program that takes you step by step through the tools that WORK. 

This home study course was designed specifically for Mormons in a mixed faith marriages and it specifically addresses those circumstances unique to a mixed faith marriage. It addresses topics like enteral families, temple, baptism, garments, tithing and on and on. 

This program is the result of the lessons learned from my own mixed faith marriage, that of my many clients, and  also includes powerful coaching tools. I like to think of it a shortcut to the very best and most helpful tools and teaching you need to be successful in your Mormon Mixed faith marriage.   

Here is a sampling of some of the things you will learn:

-How to create connection even when you may not be on the “same page” when it comes to religion. 

-How to communicate about hard things.

-How to process loss and grief about what has passed.

-How to get past anger, fear and betrayal.

-How to forgive and love without conditions.

-How to set boundaries.

-How to respect each other even if you don’t agree with each other. 

-How to build a new relationship that has room for two different belief systems. 

-How to create new rituals ad tradition to super tyro mixed faith marriage.

Go to – https://brookeboothcoaching.com/strengthen-your-mixed-faith-marriage-course/ to get your course today. I will send you a hard copy in the mail, but you all get immediate access upon purchase if you just can’t wait.

Your marriage is worth it. You are worth it. 

I am so afraid so often. I am afraid of my husband being done with me and my faith transition. I am afraid of my family rejecting me. I am afraid of the ward making me a project. I am afraid of being wrong and doing all this for nothing. I am afraid of making changes and how they will impact my family, especially my kids. So much fear. I am also committed to my integrity, brave and willing. I am willing to do what I think is right and best for me. I am courageous and willing to make changes and have difficult conversations. I am wiling to still look others in the eye and be a little different from what most would expect or want from me. I am willing to wear clothes that feel good on my body even if others do not approve. I am willing to tell my kids that church is good and that no church is good. I am wiling to let my husband believe what he wants and not make it mean he is wrong or I am wrong or that something is wrong with our marriage. I am both afraid and brave at the same time. I guess that makes me human. I can’t make the fear go away it may always be there (remember the human part), but I can keep my life moving forward with willingness and bravery. Do you want to learn how to be afraid and still willing? Coaching is all about accepting that there is fear and still making the decisions, still showing up out of love, courage and willingness. Let me teach you how. Trying to make the fear go away is like taking away your humanness. Good luck. Figuring out how to have a great life and experience fear – that is much more manageable. CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE Talk to you soon, Brooke Booth, JD Certified Life Coach BrookeBoothCoaching.com mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

This usually comes up in the context of teaching about gospel topic such as the law of chastity, modesty, priesthood, leadership, authority,  obedience, one true church, history (really I could go on and on). I have also seen it arise over whether one spouse wants a child to participate at all in church activities or in a youth program.

Full confession, this happens a lot in our house.

My husband has difference political, social, and religious views than me so we get to have this come up in many fronts.

I realized recently that one thing that tends to get me acting defensive, attacking or even just feeling annoyed is when I think my husband is confusing the kids. Which is the same as saying –  I don’t like how he is teaching them or what he is teaching them. When I think this I jump in right then and there and counter what ever he is saying. It’s not helpful (at all).

When I find myself in that space where I wish he would just shut up or I am tempted to start pontificating – here is what I do instead.

I have to have a little conversation with myself that goes something like this.

                                                          *****

You are annoyed because you think he is going to confuse the kids. You think  they are going to one day disagree with your choice to step away from church. You think that they will walk the same path of frustration and conforming you did and unnecessarily. Or maybe you are afraid you might be wrong here and they will be confused or make choices that may be challenging for them and you.

Take a deep breath. He is their father and gets to teach his kids what ever he wants. I get to teach them what ever I want too. But right now it’s his teaching/interacting time and not mine. I have plenty of opportunities to interact and share my ideas and opinions.

I wouldn’t want him to counter everything I say to them and I can give him that same gift. Even if he does counter what I say, that is not how I want to show up in this marriage and in this family. I do not want to create a him versus me dynamic here. The kids are not choosing his philosophy or mine, they are choosing their own.

I want my kids to develop their capacity to think critically. I want them to make choices from a place of empowerment and consent. That means, I want my kids to have lots of view points presented to them. I want them to think and make their own decisions and they can’t do that without hearing several viewpoints and knowing they can choose for themselves without any repercussions from me.

                                                             *****

This type of conversation with myself. It helps me calm down and often prevents me from sabotaging an otherwise enjoyable evening with my family.

Let me point out the key aspects of my little chat with myself -that you can use when creating your own little chat with yourself, tailored to you and your issues:

1. We both get to teach whatever we want to teach the kids. We are both adults who have that autonomy. I do not want mine hedged and I don’t want to hedge him.

2. Kids are smart and they get to make their own decisions anyway (just like I did).

3. I honestly answer this question – How do I want to show up in this marriage? It’s not as someone who is petty or tit for tat, I want to be supportive and generous. I would rather be happy then right in this regard.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com