We often have a set of rules on how we think our spouse should act, speak, dress, think, believe, and show up in our family. A faith transition can bring this to the surface fast!
3. Art Of Being An Adult
If it feels like things are just happening to you in your mixed faith marriage it may be time to implement adulting- the art of being an adult. This means taking full responsibility for your emotional life.
2. Emotions Matter
If you find your attempts to talk with your spouse about faith and religion are a train wreck, it may be your emotions are being ignored.
1. Trying to Change Your Spouse
Do you wish your spouse would change (go to church/not go to church, read this/don’t read this, believe something/don’t believe something) so you can feel better about them and your marriage? This can be an uphill battle. Here I talk about how to focus on what you can control in your marriage so frustration is not showing up on a regular basis.
Parenting After a Faith Transition
I talk to my clients a lot about their kids. I am a marriage/relationship coach, but kids are often intertwined. Parenting is another relationship and parenting is also part of so many mixed faith marriages.
Before my faith transition my husband and I had a fair amount of conversations regarding parenting. We had some fundamental differences in our approach and practice AND we still worked together to do what we could for those kids.
Post faith transition it seemed like our parenting differences were compounded. It is one thing to disagree about spanking or time out and another thing to disagree about ear piercing or church attendance or modesty.
Or is it?
I don’t really think there is a fundamental difference. Both require the parents to listen to the other and seek to understand. Both require compassion and respect. Both require flexibility and compromise. Fundamentally the same skills are needed before or after a faith transition (you may just need to apply those skills more often).
You can learn to co-parent in a mixed faith marriage. Your parenting can be better than ever. Coaching may be exactly what you need to dial in your parenting. My one on one or group program starting is a great place to start. You can get coaching on what you are facing as a parent in a mixed faith marriage.
No Such Thing as a Perfect Marriage
My husband is like my favorite person in the whole world – I mean that is why I married him. He is also sometimes super annoying (like any one else).
Sometimes I want to kiss his face and love on him and sometimes I want a little space.
Sometimes I want to follow him around everywhere and just admire him and sometimes I ask him to take shower cause he smells.
I like to tell myself this is a normal marriage. All marriages are a mix of wonderful and not so wonderful. ALL OF THEM. Half the time things are great. Half the time things are smelly.
What trips up so many, especially in a mormon mixed faith marriage, is you expect your marriage be great 100% of the time. This is not only silly but harmful. When we expect happiness all the time, we are setting an impossible standard.
When a faith transition comes along we think there is a HUGE PROBLEM. The differences in faith can cause a couple to hyper focus on the differences and ignore the good stuff. All of the sudden we can only see the bumps and aggravations.
When we expect things to not always be perfect we are disappointed less. I am not saying settle, I am saying don’t let the bumps throw you off. When I expect smelly armpits and grumpy days, I am so much more gentle and flexible when they do come around. I know nothing has gone wrong. I simply happen to be a human in a marriage with another human.
This idea of a 50/50 marriage has been a gift of grace for me and our marriage.
Perfectionism can cause erosion to a marriage.
What do you make it mean when your marriage is off for a few days or months? What do you make it mean if you want a little space? What do you make it mean if things are bumpy? What do you make a faith transition mean for your marriage?
There will be challenges in your marriage. What do you make the challenges mean about you and your marriage?
Do you need help with your mixed faith marriage? Are you only seeing the problems? Coaching can help.
Anger
If you are in a mormon mixed faith marriage you have probably experienced anger (as it is part of the grief cycle).
I want to share some ideas about anger as we often get tripped up a little around this emotion.
Anger was not an acceptable emotion in my household when I was a kid.
I always associated anger with fighting. Fighting was wrong and anger was bad.
I don’t think this is super unusual for people raised LDS.
Anger often means that you are not “choosing the right.”
I would agree that some actions from anger are NEVER helpful or appropriate (name calling, hitting, etc).
I would also argue that anger in and of itself is not the problem. Everyone gets angry, it is normal and healthy. Anger is just another human emotion that we all experience.
It doesn’t need to go away or be fixed. It just needs to be processed.
Often unprocessed anger is what causes so much pain and anguish. When we don’t process our emotions and then explode on our kids or numb out on TV or video games – that is the problem – and not actually allowing yourself to feel angry about somethings painful.
When we can actually allow anger and process it – it is not explosive. It does not hurt others. It does not spew. It is just another emotion to experience. It is something we feel in our body.
The biggest problem with anger is not experiencing it – it is telling yourself you shouldn’t be angry and then ignoring it. Or telling yourself you are a bad person for feeling angry then starting into a shame and guilt cycle. Both of these behaviors can lead to passive aggression, stonewalling, volcano reactions that are not commiserate to what just happened.
So I say anger is not bad and is not a problem. The real problem is unresolved anger, ignored anger, unprocessed anger (or really any emotion) that is what causes so much friction in our relationships. So many explosions or snarky comments are actually the result of unprocessed emotions that leak out of us and then cause damage.
Need to learn how to deal with emotions and process emotions in your mixed faith marriage? I can help.
In my group program or in one on one coaching, I teach you how to process your emotions. I teach you how choose emotions on purpose to help you in your mixed faith marriage. Emotional work is critical to a great marriage as our emotions fuel our actions. If you want to act differently in your marriage you have to address your emotional life.
This podcast may also be helpful:
No. 2 – Emotions Matter : https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-mixed-faith-marriage-podcast/id1587586037?i=1000537912114
Parenting and Communication
I have seen with my clients that parenting becomes a parenting vacuum when they think there is no common ground. They effectively stop making decisions and no teaching happens.
They are just coasting or ignoring the differences. Maybe they are parenting behind the other parent’s back because they are not talking to each other (because it is fraught).
Parenting issues are symptoms of a deeper communication issue.
Often when communication improves, parenting also improves as you are now working as a team instead of at odds.
So let’s shift focus to communication.
I see communication issues on two levels: inner and outer.
The outer communication issues can be addressed with listening and communicating techniques. You learn the skills, you practice the skills and you get better.
The inner work is just as vital but often completely overlooked.
The inner work is largely (1) deciding how you want to show up in parenting conversations. (2) Deciding how you want to feel when you are making a parenting decision with your spouse who does not see eye to eye with you. (3) Deciding what you believe about your souse and your differences.
If you have the perfect communication technique but are frustrated – your communication will not improve. If you have the perfect “I statements” and validation statements but are annoyed -your communication will not improve. You need the inner and outer together to make this work. I teach both to my clients.
If you are struggling with your parenting you may need to work on communication. Coaching is a great tool to address both inner and outer communication skills plus there are tons of coaching approaches that can help with parenting too.
If you are needing help with parenting and communication I have a group program starting in September that addresses these issues. I teach you how to do both the inner and outer work in communication plus you can get live coaching on your exact parenting issues.
To get more parenting help you may find these podcast episodes helpful:
No. 13- Baptism (Baby blessings, Ordination, Endowment, etc).
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-mixed-faith-marriage-podcast/id1587586037?i=1000545413549
No. 38 – Do kids stay home or go to church?
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-mixed-faith-marriage-podcast/id1587586037?i=1000566127830
Mess Ups
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Parenting in Your Mixed Faith Marriage
I talk to my clients a lot about their kids. I am a marriage coach, but kids are often the result of that marriage and are intertwined in the marriage. Parenting is part of so many mixed faith marriages.
Before my faith transition by husband and I had a fair amount of conversations regarding parenting. We had some fundamental differences in our approach and practice. AND we still had kids and showed up did what we could for those kids.
Post faith transition – it seems like the parenting issue was compounded. It is one thing to disagree about spanking or time out and another thing to disagree about ear piercing, church attendance or modesty. Or is it?
I don’t really think it is. Both require the parents to listen to the other and seek to understand. Both require compassion and respect. Both require flexibility and compromise. Fundamentally the same skill set is needed when it comes to making parenting decisions about secular or religious topics. We sometimes forget to use compassion, respect, flexibility and compassion when it comes to a mixed faith marriage (mainly due to our emotional overwhelm).
When we learn how to manage our emotional overwhelm we can often address the parenting issues with more grace and kindness. Coaching can help with this. Message me to learn more.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN ABOUT WORKING WITH ME
Talk to you soon,