There is a way our brains process and categorize people and events in our lives that I call the  ‘us versus them mentality’. Our brains are efficient and love to put people, events, and circumstances in categories. For example, good or bad, rich or poor, old or young, right or wrong, member or nonmember, active or inactive and on and on.

When our own spouse in now in the ‘other’ category, our brain can struggle with how to reconcile the seeming differences. Sometimes at this point we tell ourselves, “This is too big of a difference” or “We are not not the same page” or “we cannot bridge this gap”.  In  reality it is just our brain being efficient ( read lazy).

When our brain tell us that there is no solution here, it is just saying up till this point it has not needed to find a solution here (when you were both attending church there was not need to figure out how to manage one partner staying home).

In reality there are solutions to many mixed faith marriage issues. We need to not let our brains off the hook and keep looking for solutions. The brain is totally capable of doing this. It just prefers to use its default neural pathways first (us v. them mindset). If we refuse to believe that the gap is too big to bridge we put our brain to work to find solutions. When we refuse  to believe that this can’t work if we are not on the same page with church and we have to create new neural pathways that show us that it can work.

This takes time and discipline, but it is how some of  the most amazing things in our world have come to be – when people  refuse to buy into the current set of limitations their brain is telling them.

Yes, a mixed faith marriage can be wonderful. Yes, there are solutions to the problems you face within your mixed faith marriage.

Are you ready to retrain your brain and find some of those solutions for your mixed faith marriage? Let’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

If I could name one ESSENTIAL emotion to make a mixed faith marriage work I would name: Courage.

It takes courage to tell your partner the truth about your faith transition. It takes courage to listen to your partner tell you the truth about their faith transition.  It takes courage to deal with the changes and shifts in the relationship.

Above all, it takes courage to feel the emotions that come up in a mixed faith marriage.

Wait, you may say, why does that take courage and why does that even matter? Arn’t dealing with the in-laws and  the bishop and coffee bigger issues? No, they are not.

When we are not dealing with the anger, sadness, betrayal, fear and uncertainty (all pretty common emotions in a new mixed faith marriage) we are usually creating more problems for ourselves.

If you are like most humans, we are rather skilled at avoiding or distracting ourselves from our emotions. We watch TV, eat cookies, go shopping, work, clean, scroll on our phones – all in an effort to NOT feel an emotion.

When we avoid the sadness, anger, betrayal, fear and uncertainty that comes out eventually and usually when we are least prepared.

Does it seem like you can’t communicate without anger? This may be unprocessed anger or sadness.

Do you feel stuck in your choices? This is probably the unprocessed emotion of uncertainty.

If we exercise our courage and just take the time to FEEL our emotions, they will process and we will be able to then deal with the issues with a clear mind and not one flooded by emotion.

Often we don’t really feel our emotions because we are scared about what we will feel. Maybe it won’t go away, maybe we will lose our control. Maybe it will hurt too much.

When we really just feel our feelings – the vibrations they make in our bodies, we learn that we CAN handle it. We learn that it is not such a big deal. We learn that it will not kill us. In fact our resistance to emotion is often what causes us to suffer, not the actual emotion.

This is why courage is key. We need courage to process our emotions.

Once we have processed our emotions we are now in a position to solve our problems. Our pre frontal cortex is back in control and we can now make the decisions we need to and decide how we want to show up in our marriage. Emotional outbursts will not happen (they are actually scarier than processing emotions) and as a result things will change.

Courage takes learning. It doesn’t always come on its own. Let’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

What to do when your kids hit on of the many rites of passage in LDS culture?

Do you let them get baptized (or whatever it is)? Do you stay silent and keep your recommend?

Many of my clients have kids that are around baptism age. There is the perpetual question – What to do about the baptism?

This is never an easy question.

I have seen it result in stalemates, frustration and passive aggressiveness (that last one was me when my daughter was baptized).

I think the most helpful tool for a partnership to use is to seek understanding. Often if both partners feel completely understood then what actually happens is much less important.

I would recommend the difficult conversation exercise I have taught before. I will go over it here as a reminder.

This exercise works well when one partner leads the way  – your partner does’t even need to know what is going on, but they will feel understood.

1. The leader asks – Tell me your thoughts about (child’s name)’s baptism (or 8th birthday).. The leader follows up with:

Tell me more about….

Help me understand your view point here…

2. The leader listens and doesn’t share their viewpoints (that is not your luxury for this exercise)

3. Leader says:

Here are the facts as I see them:  (STATE THE FACTS – things EVERYONE would agree about)

examples would be:

Our daughter turns 8 on July 25.

My parents have asked about a baptism date.

Our daughter has stated her opinion as ____.

The Primary president has called us twice .

4. Leader says:

You are making these facts mean (summarizes partner’s viewpoint)- Our daughter doesn’t have the capacity to make this decision yet

I am making these facts mean (summarize your viewpoints)- Our daughter wants this and this matters

5. Leader says – Now we understand the issue, let’s talk about solutions.

ONLY focus on solutions (this will be challenging – but rewarding).

Once you understand your spouse (this is different than thinking you understand)  you will be in a better position to problem solve.

This is a simple exercise AND it really works. Try it out. See what happens.

You may have to bite your tongue a few times in the process. I always do!

The best part of this exercise is that it helps you let your spouse know you are willing to hear them and understand them. This is often the most important part of a decision making process.

Do you need more help? This is just one of the many exercises I teach to my clients. Are you ready for coaching?

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Most (okay, really all) the really effective work we do in our marriage is inner work. We think it is work between us and our partner but it is really the work inside us and what we think and feel about our partner.

When we focus on the inner work (managing our thoughts, processing our emotions, etc) we become independent. Our success is dependent on ourself and not on getting them to change.

When we focus on changing the marriage (this usually means we are focused on changing our partner) we become dependent. Our happiness and success are dependent on someone else.

When we are independent we show up as a partner, willing to engage and willing to try. We know that we are not perfect but that we are in control of how we feel. Independent people do not need to control others, they just accept them as they are. The differences are not a threat.

When we are dependent on the marriage and our spouse, we do not show up as partner, but as a dependent (meaning someone not in control).  We look to the other person to make us happy and make us feel better. This leads to resentment and disempowerment because no matter how much they love us, they will always fall short of perfection (usually very short).

Let me give you an example:

I used to be a dependent in my marriage. I expected my husband to take care of my emotions. When I was sad, he needed to make me feel better. When I was happy, he needed to celebrate with me. When I was angry, he needed to be angry too. This never worked all that well. Once we entered the  mixed faith marriage phase it deteriorated even more. He didn’t want to be angry with me and didn’t want to celebrate what I was learning. I was on my own emotionally and I didn’t like it. I wanted him to be there to emotionally hold me up, even though he never did it “right.”

When I started to learn that I was in charge of my emotions and he was in charge of his emotions, I didn’t like it very much. It was much easier to blame him when I wasn’t feeling good. Now I had to take responsibility for feeling sad, frustrated, irritated  or whatever. At first it was hard. Then I started to realize that it was very empowering. If I wanted to feel different, I didn’t have to wait for my husband to come along and say just the right thing. I was in the driver seat of my life.

Can you guess what happened in my marriage when I was no longer blaming him for not being perfect at managing my emotions?

I no longer had to get him to say and do just he right things and I no longer had to get upset when he did not. I could just LOVE him exactly as he was.

Doing the inner work was more effective at changing the marriage then the outer work had ever been.

When I work with my clients I like to focus on the inner work because once we can come to the relationship as an independent partner versus a dependent one we come with the ability to give an accept love without fear and without hesitation.

Are you ready to do the inner work? Let ’s talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I am sure there are tons of worries out there. Here I will highlight two I have seen personally and professionally. 

Worry One: They will take the easy route. The kids won’t go to church because its easier to stay home.

Worry two: I can’t share openly what I believe with my kids anymore without censure from my spouse. 

NOTE: These are worries and what I taught last week in the post about common worries for transitioning spouses applies equally here. Also, what I address here applies to worries for transitioning/non believing spouses too. 

When faced with a worry – what ever form it may take, I like to pause and ask myself a question. Its this true? Sometimes we believe everything our brains tells us without question.

This is something like handing a pair of scissors to a toddler and assuming they will be safe and not run. 

Worries are essentially our brain running amok. Just like the toddler they need a little management or everything gets crazy. 

This is why I ask – Is this true? or What else can be true here? 

For example, if the worry is that the kids will take the easy road (and not go to church) is that true? 

Is is easier for the kids to stop attending? 

Was it easy for your spouse? 

Is not attending really the ‘easy route’? 

What is the easiest thing for them here? 

Why do I want my kids to not have an easy life? 

Why is easy a problem? 

There is no right or wrong answer here. This is just an exploration to better understand yourself and what is going on. 

Let’s look at worry #2 with a similar lens.

What will really happen if you share your beliefs? 

Is it really true that you can’t share your beliefs? 

Are you choosing not to so you don’t have to have a conversation or a confrontation? 

Have you asked your spouse? Is this an assumption? 

Is there a way you can share your beliefs that works for the two of you? 

These types of questions help us to get unstuck. They help us see where we are sometimes getting in our own way. They help us find a little wiggle room so we can start finding solutions. 

Do you need help finding some wiggle room in your mixed faith marriage? Getting tired or watering down your parenting because of your mixed faith marriage? Sounds like you might need a coach. Lets talk. Reach out for free call. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME!

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

I have covered so far:

#1- basic parenting resources – fully vetted

#2- How to deal with a spouse teaching things you don’t agree with

#3 – What do to with the kids when one goes to church and one does not

Today – Parenting  Worries 

I see two common worries in MFM couples for the non believing spouse. I have seen both worries in the same parent. I have also had both of these  worries myself. 

I recognize believing spouse has worries too. I will address those in another post. 

Here they are 

Worry #1 – How to keep kids safe without  the church ?

I have heard this described in a few ways:

• The only reason I didn’t go off deep end was because of the teaching of the church 

• The law of chastity protected me and gave the the motivation to make hard decisions 

• How to teach values with out the church? 

• How can they withstand peer pressure with out the church

• How do my kids have socialization/friends without the church? 

Worry #2 – I don’t want my kids in because I was harmed by the shame and the teachings.

This may sound like:

• I don’t want them to be exposed to the shame I felt

• I don’t want them to to grow up thinking they are wrong or not worthy

• I don’t want them to be try to be someone they are not

These worries can drive you batty. I know they drove me batty. 

AND you can have them both at the same time. It kind of feels like you have two engines pulling you in opposite directions. 

Worry is what I consider to be a indulgent emotion. Said another way, it is a complete waste of time. Worry pretends to feel important. Worry pretends to be love. Worry pretends to necessary. It is not.

Worry creates more worry. Worry creates distraction. Worry wastes our time and energy that we could be directing towards actually loving our kids or our spouse and building strong relationships. Worry helps no one – EVER. 

When worry comes knocking I try to recognize it and let it go. I try to see it for what it is –  something that does not help me show up as the parent or spouse I actually want to be.

Do you need help managing your worries around your Mixed faith marriage and how to parent you kids? You need a coach. Reach out to me and get one of my few free calls I offer. 

It is time to let go of worry. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

My husband and I have an ongoing discussion about unconditional love and respect. Suffice it to say we would like more of both in our relationship. Recently we had a friend over and were taking to her about our mixed faith marriage and was filling her in on our perspectives (picture the presidential debates with me representing love on one side and my husband representing respect on the other with our  friend as the moderator.) As you can well imagine debating didn’t lead to any great resolutions but it got me thinking about the two ideas.

I wanted to dive into these two concepts, as I think there are misconceptions about both.

Unconditional Love: Feeling love for someone, on purpose, regardless of what they do.

• Feeling love is always an option. You do not need to agree with them, spend time with them, or talk to them to feel love for someone.

• Love feels amazing.

• Others do not feel your emotions. Your emotions are caused by your thoughts. When you love someone they do not feel it – you do. You benefit from feeling love, you suffer from not feeling love.

• Love feels amazing (this one is important!)

• We often find excuses to not feel love (he is in a bad mood, he said something hurtful, he doesn’t support me).

• Love feels amazing (getting the message?)

Respect:     1. A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

2. Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

I teach my clients that their thoughts cause their emotions then others cannot hurt them because they do not cause their emotions their thoughts do.

Some ask me – Does this mean that I can do and say what ever I want  and that is their problem if they feel hurt?

Isn’t that disregarding their feelings/wishes/traditions?

My response is that not taking responsibility for others thoughts and feelings is very different than deliberately attacking or disregarding someones feeling, wish or traditions.

When we allow others to take responsibility for their own thoughts and emotions we are allowing them to be themselves.

When we take responsibility for others emotions this leads to control and manipulation and co-dependence.

When they are responsible for our happiness we are disempowered and need then to act in certain ways in order to be happy.

Respect flourishes when you decide to be emotionally responsible and love on purpose, that is powerful!

Love and respect make a good couple.

Would you like to have more love and respect in your mixed faith marriage and not sure where to begin?

Let ’s talk. CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR A FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Have you found yourself thinking these thoughts about your faith transition or your spouse’s faith transition (and marriage transition)?

I can’t believe this is happening to me.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

This isn’t fair.

This is because of _______________ (something external that happened)

This is wrong.

I hate this.

I wish this never happened.

I wish we could go back to how we were before.

These types of thoughts are a sign of denial or what I like to refer to as resisting reality.

Bryon Katie teaches that when we we fight reality we loose – 100% of the time.

Dr. Tsbary  has said, “Release attachment to how things “ought” to be and surrender to how they actually are.”

When we are resisting reality we cannot find solutions; we cannot move forward; we are stuck in thought loops and stuck in pain.

I often suggest to my clients that they would benefit from the emotion of acceptance (another way saying not resisting what is happening in their life). There is usually much to accept. Acceptance of faith changes. Acceptance of marriage changes. Acceptance of being married to someone who changes. Acceptance of human development. Acceptance of the dynamic nature of life an relationships.

What are you not accepting in your self, and in you spouse?

Make a list. Write the reason why. Can you let those go?

These reasons are holding you back from having a better marriage.

They are holding you back from your own happiness and contentment.

Need help with this? Not really sure how to surrender and how to accept and how to be ok when it is not ok.

Let’s talk.  Let’s set up a time for a free call to talk about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com