Marriages often become a way for us to live out prescribed roles. It  can be an easy and simple way of managing a relationship. Husbands do XYZ, wives do ABC. Everyone fulfills there role and things go smoothly. I like to think of it as going to the store and buying a marriage kit. It doesn’t take much creativity you just color by number and in the end it looks presentable. 

This works for a lot of people. It was certainly how I interacted in my marriage for years! 

A faith transition can mess up all of this. It can cause one or both partners to questions and reevaluate their respective roles. This basically messes up the equilibrium in a marriage. We hate this part. It feels unstable, and scary and upsetting. We want things to be like they used to be, but we kind of know there is no going back. 

If the husband has been fulfilling the role of the spiritual leader and now he is in a faith crisis – that role is now unfulfilled in the marriage.It feels like something has gone wrong or there is a problem.  

For me I was the spiritual director of my family and when I had my faith transition, this role was unfulfilled and it felt weird and unsettling for everyone. 

It is common for resentment, confusion, and blame to creep in when there is an unfilled role. 

Intimacy – real intimacy is not created marriages based on roles but based on two individuals working in partnership and constantly negotiating and renegotiating.

Intimacy uses the raw material of marriage and create something totally unique and every changing. Intimacy is messy and not always presentable.

It is also what we usually want more than anything in our relationships. 

Intimacy forces us to go deeper and see relationship as more than just fulfilling roles. It forces us to negotiate over and over and over and accept the dynamic nature of any relationship. 

It forces us to accept the dynamic nature of our partner. 

Many couples who go through a faith transition either completely fall apart or come out stronger in the end. Those who lean into intimacy and develop that are those who find their marriage is more satisfying then ever. Intimacy is hard work, it is scary and requires vulnerability and failure. But it is also necessary to really break out of the role mentality and embrace the partner and marriage and make it work in this new mixed faith marriage. 

Are you ready to develop intimacy an the skills that come with it? This is what I teach my clients. We figure out what is preventing intimacy and how to let it flourish. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

Intimacy Part 1 of 2

We sometimes get intimacy confused with something else. That something else is called many things. Maybe you know it as: validation, confirming world views, agreeing on beliefs, seeing eye to eye, echo chamber, on the same page, part of a tribe, or like minded people. 

 We all love external confirmation of our ideas and beliefs. It feels good. 

We like to feel understood and seen and validated. 

We think – I must be right if they agree with me on this.

We are justified in our view point. 

It feels safe. 

However, in seeking external validation we often neglect intimacy. When we neglect intimacy our relationships suffer and we wonder why we feel so disconnected. We think it is our different beliefs. Its not that, it is really the lack of intimacy. 

Sometimes church (or work or kids or the house) and all its busyness, creates a familiarity that can feel like intimacy but it is really just another form of external validation. 

However couples in this pattern do not often go deep in their  conversations.  The familiar and the comfort sometimes keep relationships on the surface. 

A faith transition often changes the familiar and challenges everyone’s comfort. At first it may feel terrible and like a huge problem to the relationship. The validation is gone. The agreement is gone. The confirmation of beliefs is gone.

This also opens the door wide for intimacy. 

Intimacy is a deep connection based that includes emotional connection, vulnerability and openness. 

Real intimacy and real respect – the kind that feeds our soul – is born out of seeing things differently and not making it a problem. Real intimacy means not judging the other person for having a different belief and not getting upset that they are not validating our ideology. 

It also creates a safety and a marriage container that are AMAZING. This container is not conditional, it is not circumstantial. It are deep and true and beautiful. 

This takes work. 

This is a lot of the work I do with my clients. It is not our natural tendency. But to really allow the other person to be who they are is a powerful way to build intimacy. Familiarity creates comfort. Intimacy comes from connecting on a deeper level. When there are differing beliefs AND acceptance AND respect then intimacy is achieved and that is more connecting  and fulfilling  than just about anything. 

Are you ready to step into intimacy? Are you ready to do the work and create a marriage built on intimacy and not just similarity? It is time we talk. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

Pretty common emotion these days. It seems to be a pandemic equal to the Corona virus, or worse. it is also very common in a mixed faith marriage. We are anxious about the unknown future or how to deal with this “new normal” of a mixed faith marriage.

Our thoughts and how we manage our mind is directly correlated to our anxiety.

Add on top of normal life anxiety things like general conference coffee, alcohol, garments, Sunday attendance and anxiety can easily surface and feel out of control.

How to deal with it?

1. Recognize it is just an emotion. This means it is something you are feeling in your body. You are not going to die from anxiety (at least not today). Our brains and body want us to think we are going to die if we don’t do something drastic NOW.

2. Getting worked up, ignoring it, pushing against it, all make it worse.

3. Quietly watch it. Think of it as a exhibit in a museum, it is not dangerous or threatening, it is just something to watch and observe.

4. Deep breathes. Sound cliche, but it works. One after the other. For as long as it takes.

5. Accept that anxiety is a part of life. It is a human emotion and you are a human. It need not be a problem. Having anxiety is NOT a problem. It is the human condition. Anxiety need not stop you from functioning or moving forward with your life.

Is anxiety your constant companion? Is it preventing you from functioning in the way you want in your life and marriage? Are you in a pattern of ignoring it or resisting it?

If you answer yes, to any of these, we need to talk. Coaching is a fantastic tool to use to help mitigate and manage anxiety. I know I have done that in my life and you can do it in yours.

Brooke Booth

Certified Life Coach

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME!

My husband and I walk the dog in the neighborhood. Just around the block is a pretty good sized pine tree. The other day as we were passing this tree he commented on how beautiful it was. I was confused. It looked terrible to me. All I could see was the blight. This tree got me thinking about perspective. For my husband this tree was genuinely beautiful. He liked the shape, he liked the size and its majesty. For me, I was noticing the brown needles and lack of green needles. It looked half dead. He was attracted and I was repelled.

We were having opposite experiences with the tree AND we were both right. We were both noticing different aspects and characteristics. This is very similar to how we view the church. He sees an organization he loves that is beautiful, large and majestic. I see the decay and disease. Again we are both right.

He may not care about the brown needles, they do not concern him. I may not care about the shape, it may not concern me.

We are both correct in our view and perspective. We both choose to see the same object very differently. AND we can still enjoy our walk in the neighborhood, enjoy our marriage and enjoy our life together.

I can point out the dead limbs and he can point our the large size. It doesn’t matter. The key is the know that everyone has valid thoughts and feelings and opinion. They are not wrong. They are not a problem. It is just a different perspective.

What if we could look at our mixed faith marriage and not see it as a problem? What if we could look at our spouse’s faith (or lack of faith) and not see it as a problem? What would this change for you?

 I teach mindset work on relationships that can change everything in a mixed faith marriage. If their perspective is OK and yours is OK then it is so much easier to come up with real solutions that work for everyone.

Are you ready to welcome solutions into your mixed faith marriage instead of just focusing on the problems? You need a coach. I am here help. I am accepting clients for one on one coaching right now.

Just click on the following link to schedule a FREE, no obligation call where we can talk about your mixed faith marriage and how coaching can help.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE  A FREE CALL!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

Have you every been in a conversation with you spouse and you pretty much just say all the wrong things in the worst way possible? You may even go into it wanting to be kind and open, but it just goes south? Afterwards you can think of other ways to have communicated in a kinder, clearer way. But in the moment is was a train wreck. If you are in a mixed faith marriage, I am guessing this has happened A LOT. Maybe around truth claims, general conference or teaching children. I have been there. I have been known to joke with my husband that I have the gift of saying just the “right” (read wrong) thing. There is a simple solution to this.  Process your emotion. When we loose it in the middle of a conversation it is because we have become flooded with emotion. When we are in an emotional state our brains stop working in a logical way. They basically turn off. We may have had a plan, but once we are flooded with shame, fear, defensiveness, sadness or anger that plan is out the window. The BEST thing to do when in an emotion is to FEEL it. This is NOT a time to problem solve or plan. Feeling emotions is simple. Just feel the feeling in your body. Describe it. Allow it to be there. Do not rush yourself or the process. These skill is not frivolous or unnecessary. Processing emotions is MANDATORY if you want to master your reactions and responses. It is MANDATORY if you want to show up lovingly in your marriage . If you have unprocessed pain or anger it will pop up when you are not well equipped to handle it. If you process it, it just passes and does not crop up when you want to be kind and compassionate. This is one of critical skills I teach my clients. If you are ready to learn some marriage saving skills. We need to talk. I offer a free call to anyone who wants to go through a powerful process to evaluate your mixed fatih marriage. It is challenging but revealing. Email me and we can set up a free call this week. Or CLICK HERE to schedule a free call with me. Talk to you soon, Brooke Booth, JD Certified Life Coach

There is a Brene Brown quote I love – “Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are.”

When my faith transition hit it caused so much confusion and shame. This was NOT how things were supposed to happen. This was NOT supposed to happen to our marriage and family. This was NOT what I wanted to have to deal with.

All of these ‘should’ thoughts caused me a great deal of suffering. They also kept me in the problem focused mode. I was fixated on the problems. What about tithing? What about garments? What about a temple marriage in 20 years for one of our kids?

When I could let go of the fear and drama around what was NOT supposed to be happening and just accept what was happening then things started to improve.

I believe the improvement came because of the ability to change my focus from the problem to the solution. Letting go of what was NOT supposed to be happening and accepting what was happening helped me shift from the problem to the solution.

I teach my clients a communication tool that helps with focusing on solutions instead of problems

Difficult Communication Exercise:

1. Let go of the need to be right, or prove your point.

2. Start with “What are you thinking about (insert topic)?” Fully hear your

partner. Note: You don’t get this luxury and that is OK.

3. Re-state the facts that you can both agree on.

4. Reduce the issue to one statement:

• You are making the facts mean:_______________________

• I am making these facts mean: _______________________

5. Now only talk about the solution. Do not discuss the problem, this is very

tempting, only discuss possible solutions. You will be surprised how much

easier it is to find solutions when discussing the problem is off the table.

One reason this exercise is so helpful is because of the 5th step – ONLY talk about the solution. We are very much used to taking about the problem and all the ins and outs of the problem. We are much less practiced in only taking about the solution. Try it. Its fascinating and difficult but ultimately really helpful.

Ready to focus on solutions? Ready to let go of the problem mindset? Ready to stop fighting against your reality? Your marriage ? Your spouse?

I am a life coach who helps Mormons in a mixed faith marriage. This is my jam. Let’s talk about your mixed faith marriage. I offer a free call where we can discuss where you are in your marriage, where you want to be and how to get your there. There is a way forward.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach

A faith transition can change our close relationships dramatically. So often our relationships are intertwined in our religious practices and when we try to extricate the religion part, the relationship has to shift and readjust.

This is super scary, it often causes what I call the ‘what if’’ spiral.

I want to make a change in my religious practices because of my shifting beliefs BUT:

What if he leaves, what if he hates me, what if my mom rejects me, what if I am wrong, what if I am right, what if this never gets better, what if my kids get screwed up, what if ….?

We get in this cycle and it loops and loops. We do NOT like any of the answers our brain give us. They will leave, they will be hurt, they will not understand, they will be upset, they will be messed up.

Is it any surprise that we tip toe around church issues and that we do not make any changes? Is it any surprise that we do not share what is going on, or that we pretend everything is fine? Maybe we continue to try to fit our round self into a square hole just to avoid the WHAT IFs. We stay stuck. We do not change. We maintain the status quo.

We are essentially afraid to face an unknown. We don’t really know how they will respond or react. We THINK we know – maybe we are right and maybe we are wrong. We are still too afraid to really find out the truth about them and ourselves.

We don’t want to know the truth about their love (is it conditional or unconditional?)

-Do they love me or just the role I fulfill for them?

We don’t want to know the truth about ourselves.

-Will  I have my back?

-Can I love me without the validation of others?

-Can I face rejection?

We also do not give them or ourselves a chance to show up.

We do not give our loved ones a chance to show their love.

We play small, and ask them to play small in this relationship.

Here are some alternative WHAT IFs to consider:

What if this helped us grow closer?

What if this created more connection?

What if this helped me develop more confidence and self respect.

What if this made my life better?

Are you stuck in scary what ifs? Are you looking for some help to move forward? I am here to help. It can be essential to have someone looking over your shoulder and helping you see where you are getting in your own way and sabotaging your own marriage and happiness. That is what I am here for. Let’s connect.

Just click on this link to sign up for a free, no obligation call where we can have a real conversation about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach