CHANGE: A faith transition means change
Change can be disorienting for both spouses. Here I want to talk about how to handle change whether you are the one changing or the one watching the change.
Humans love and hate change . Mostly we hate it. It can be exciting, but our brains like things to stay the same.
Our brains are wired to be efficient. Efficiency is best met when there are no changes, and the brain can rinse and repeat our many thoughts. It is work for our brains to process change. It is work to figure out how to deal with Sundays, tithing, garments, etc. It is work to figure out how to talk to each other when one spouse no longer believes. It is work to figure out how to teach kids, plan weekends and deal with religious holidays. It is work because our brains have never done it before.
It is work but it is not impossible. It may not even be hard, it is just new and our brains have to create new neural pathways to figure things out and create new patterns of thought.
A few suggestions for dealing with change.
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Let it be a bit uncomfortable. This is new. You are not familiar with everything yet. Its ok to be uncomfortable. Its ok to be a beginner.
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Know you can always change you mind. Sometimes we have to try on a few ideas before we find one that fits. It is ok to take time and try on many ideas and many new things. Sometimes we just stick to the familiar even if we don’t really like it because we just don’t want to deal with being wrong or uncomfortable. Be ok being wrong or uncomfortable. Really!
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Change is gong to happen whether you want it to or not. It is just part of the human experience. You can fight it or you can allow it. It can help so much to know that we are just stretching our brains a little and that nothing has actually gone wrong.
Be gentle with yourself and just keeping moving through the change. I think the human superpower is to be able to handle change with confidence and grace.
This can be your superpower. You can handle change with confidence and grace.
If you are ready to learn how to embrace the change in your marriage with confidence and grace but don’t really know how – you need a coach.
Coaching can help you process your emotions around the mixed faith marriage, make decisions and accept what is happening.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Blame and Responsibility
It is not uncommon you and me to blame our partners for our emotions and and not take responsibility for them. This is pretty typical in a Mormon mixed faith marriage (MFM). Let me give you examples of both and walk you through how this plays out in your MFM.
Blame: when we assign how we feel to what others say or do.
Sometimes we blame our spouse – They refuse to get help, so I can’t help this improve (and must therefor feel bad about my marriage).
Sometimes we blame the church – The church is hurting families with their teaching around MFMs (and must therefore feel bad about my family).
Sometimes we blame ourselves – I can’t believe I let this happen (and must therefore feel bad about what I did to cause this to happened).
Blame is painful. It means someone is WRONG. If someone/something else is wrong you become the victim. If someone causes you pain it means we are powerless over your emotional experience. If you are wrong it may cause you to hide and withdraw. Either way blame usually causes you to stop showing up in your marriage in helpful or powerful ways.
You are often reactive in blame, you throw tantrums or you feel stuck.
Responsibility : when you take ownership for your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Taking responsibility means you get to decide how you feel. You can choose to be angry or sad or whatever, you see it as our choice. You understand emotions happens because of what you are telling yourself about a circumstance not because of the circumstance. You recognize that others cannot get in our body and cause emotions those are caused by what you think about others, church or yourself.
This matters because having ownership gives you authority and control. It gives you the power to change things if you want.
Change (or at least deliberate, conscious change) can only happy from a place of responsibility NEVER from a place of blame.
Where are you blaming in your MFM?
Where are you taking responsibly for your thoughts, feelings and actions?
When I was able to get really honest with myself and see that I was responsible for how I was showing up in my MFM, then I was able to start to decide to do things differently.
Here is an example-
Many blame the church for putting families in tough positions and teaching that a faith transition is a problem and something disruptive to the family and marriage.
By blaming the church you focus on things you cannot change . (Neither you or I can change the church and what is said in sacrament meeting or general conference.) All your energy and strength is consumed trying to change somethings you cannot change.
When you take responsibility for how you are showing up in your marriage then you have power to change and improve things. Responsibility prompts questions like – How I am disrupting my marriage (an I hiding or withdrawing)? How am I believing that a faith transition is disruptive and negative (am I feeling like a victim and acting like one?). This kind of ownership creates empowerment and helps to find solutions that cannot be seen from a place of blame.
Sometimes we cannot see what we are doing. We are too deep in our own stuff. It can make a huge difference to get some outside perspective and help us see when we are blaming and not taking responsibility. If you are ready to take a look and get really honest.
Let’s talk.
Coaching is powerful and transformative if you are ready to step into responsibility. I am here to help.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
This is so hard!
I don’t even know how many times I have told myself this about my mixed faith marriage.
It is so hard to talk about religion
It is so hard to decide how to teach the kids
It is so hard to connect
It is so hard to understand him/her
It is so hard to communicate
I have had to ask myself and my clients – Why is hard a problem?
Was it easy before? My marriage was not. It is just a different kind of hard.
What is wrong with hard? People climb mountains and go on challenging hikes and get advanced degrees all the time precisely because they are hard.
Why do we think marriage should be easy?
Easy is kind of boring. Easy isn’t the part of life we savor and remember and talk about.
Its not easy to reach out when we are hurting in our marriage, its hard, but it can be amazing.
It is not easy to reach out for help when we need it, its hard, but it can help.
It is not easy to be patient and communicate, its hard, but is can build a relationship.
Its not easy to talk about hard things, its hard, but it can open doors to greater connection.
Maybe we want our marriage to be hard. Maybe hard is good. Maybe we would be well served to stop making hard a problem and just accept what is.
Do you need help in your mixed faith marriage? It can be hard, but is can also be amazing. Do you want an amazing marriage? My group program starting in Feb 2022 could be perfect for you. In it I teach you the tools needed to have a GREAT mixed faith marriage. Reach out and grab your free call to meet with me and see if we are a good fit.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Not an ideal marriage
Do you believe that a mixed faith marriage is not an ideal marriage? If you do, you are not alone.
I hear this statement from many of my clients. This is not what I wanted. This is not ever going to be ok. This is not what I signed up for.
What is an ideal marriage? What does that really mean?
Is that definition helping the actual marriage you have?
Is your desire for an ideal marriage (that you think you do not have) causing you to not enjoy the marriage you do have?
I have seen this happen in my marriage in in the marriage of my clients. We think if we cannot have the ideal marriage then we believe cannot have a good marriage or a happy marriage or a healthy marriage. True, we may not have a “temple marriage” in the same way we once did. But that does not mean we cannot have a good marriage or a happy marriage or a healthy marriage. Those types of marriages are NOT mutually exclusive.
It may be helpful to write out all the characteristics of an ideal marriage.
kindess
respect
love
compassion
gentleness
fun
humor
All those things can be part of any marriage. They can be part of your mixed faith marriage. You may be blocking them by believing that your marriage is not ideal and thus not a good marriage.
You can have good mixed faith marriage. You can have great mixed faith marriage. You can have a healthy and thriving mixed faith marriage. It all depends on what you believe is possible for your marriage.
What if I were to tell you that you could choose to believe that a mixed faith marriage was ideal? Does that sound crazy? It may be, but it also may help you create a great mixed faith marriage.
Do you need help believing in your marriage and its potential?
Join my group program – Strengthening Your Mixed Faith Marriage. This 12 week program starts in Feb 2022 and will teach you all the tools to help you believe that your marriage can be great so you can then create a great mixed faith marriage. (Cause that is how it works!)
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
How to communicate without fighting
Does it seem like every time you talk about church it ends up in a fight?
I had a client come to me and ask – how can I communicate without anger?
I remember being at a restaurant where we were talking church and faith transition. It was not pretty, even the waiter was uncomfortable. I chuckle now, but at the time no one was chuckling.
First, it is possible. Let me offer you a few ideas to help if this is your pattern of behavior in your relationship.
Get curious about why are are angry. Do you feel attacked? Or defensive? Or both? Why do you feel attacked or defensive or afraid? Sometimes anger is what surfaces when we are sad. Many people respond to sadness with anger, as anger can feel better than sadness.
Stop blaming. Often our first response to a fight is to blame the other person. Its their fault for saying ____, or doing_____ ,or looking at me a certain way, or speaking in a certain tone. Brene Brown says, “Its so much easier to cause pain then to feel pain.” Blame is a way we deflect our own pain or emotional turmoil onto another . It makes us the victim and our spouse the perpetrator. It makes us powerless. It solves nothing.
Take responsibility for your emotions. This is BIG. This is also often a new skill for many of us. My youngest is in kindergarten and he is taught so many emotional coping skills . If your education was like mine, that was NOT part of your kindergarten curriculum These are things I am just figuring out 40+. Taking responsibility means to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Allow the sadness, the hurt, the frustration. Emotions are not problems, They are not to be ignored or discounted. They are to be felt and to be experienced. This does not mean you need to ACT sad or hurt or frustrated. Feeling and acting are different. Feeling is key to dealing with life and communicating effectively . When we are emotionally flooded and not actively feeling the emotions we turn off our pre frontal cortex and act like animals. Literally we are now being run on flight/fight/freeze. this is why so many of our conversations about church end up in a fight. We stop thinking rationally and let our limbic system take over.
Do you need help to stop fighting about church. I did. let’s talk and see if coaching is what you need to stop the pattern of fighting in your mixed faith marriage.
In my group coaching program – Strengthening Your Mixed Faith Marriage – we talk A LOT about communication, emotional responsibility and how to really stop blaming. When you get these things figured out, you have so much space to just enjoy your marriage. Get on my calendar and schedule a free call with me to see if you are good fit for coaching.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Walking on Eggshells
I have heard from my clients that if feels like they are walking on eggshells when it comes to talking about religion in their marriage. I know I have experienced this myself.
If seems like certain topics are not on the table, unless you want a confrontation or to alienate your spouse. It feels like a tenuous truce that may snap at any time if the wrong thing is said or in the wrong way. It is just safer to not say anything at all.
At the same time not talking about it is almost just as painful as talking about it. – What are they thinking? I really need to hash this out. Do they hate me? Did I mess this up?
What to do if you are smack in the middle of the walking on eggshell phase of your mixed faith marriage?
-Accept this is what your marriage is like today. Often we think our marriage should be a perpetual honeymoon. We should be always be passionately in love. Why? This often causes us so much frustration when we have normal days or normal periods of life when things are just normal. Or even worse when things are challenging we KNOW something is wrong with our marriage. What if it was just the hard part of a still good marriage? (Even really good marriages have hard parts, really hard parts).
– Listen. Often we really want to talk in this phase, We want them to get us and hear us and validate us. What if you got some courage gathered together and asked them what was going on and then just listened and really sought to understand without judgment and without fear. This can be challenging as it feels like what they are saying directly impacts you and your happiness. Just take a breath and listen to them. You can worry about the worries later.
– Decide to offer love no matter what. The eggshell period is full of perceived rejections and a general lack of reaching out. We withdraw and amor up and do not reach out to connect. It probably feels very risky to reach out. What if you were to do it anyway? What if you were to reach from courage and reach at again and again, even in the face of rejection? Notice if you are pulling back and hunkering down and reach out instead.
Are you in the eggshell period? Don’t know what to do? Maybe it feels like you might be here forever? We must talk – I can help. There is no need to be in your own marriage purgatory, there is a way through. I have been there and I know there is a way out.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
How to stay together when you don’t go to church together
I was raised being taught that it is better to marry someone in your religion. It is better to go to church together. It is better to be on the same page regarding religion.
We didn’t even date non members in my family of origin. So when I was going through my faith transition it was a sticky point to not go to church together. Did this mean we were failing a couple? As a family? Were we causing damage? In any event I was sure – This MUST be a problem.
My clients have also expressed the belief that the family should go to church together.
Together we look at this belief. Is it true? Is it helping your family be stronger and more loving? For some families it is. It does help create connection and support. For other families it does not. In fact it creates frustration and disconnection. There is no one size fits all when it comes to marriage and especially mixed faith marraiges.
Let me offer an analogy. Like me you may have been offered the idea that the recipe for a healthy marriage is to go to church together. This is a great recipe for some to follow exactly. Others need less cinnamon or more salt to make it work for their family. Others need to use a totally different recipe all together.
How to stay together if you don’t’ go to church together –
1. Allow your family to make the best decision for your family.
It doesn’t have to look the same as your neighbors. Make sure it works for your family
2. You can’t force anyone to go or not go to . So stop trying. Respect and love is allowing others to make their own decisions.
3. Be honest with yourself and have your back about what works for you.
If you really don’t like attending , or you really do, that is your valid option. So many problems arise when we people please (attend or don’t attend based on our spouse’s preference and not our own and then get resentful for all we do in this relationship!) People pleasing will cause more damage than honestly any day of the week. Be honest and have you back .
Are you questioning your ability to stay together if you don’t go to church together. I want to tell you you can. You may need help figuring exactly how to do it, but you can do it. I can help. Let’s talk.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
COST of Doing Nothing
For so many of us – Nothing is more important than our family and the core of that family is our marriage. It is perhaps the single most important relationship in our life.
Think of the impact on your marriage when you struggle, fight and don’t connect. What is the impact in 1 year, 5 years, or 10 years?
So many people struggle in their mixed faith marriage. They suffer. They think the can figure it out or it will resolve in its own. Maybe it does but at what cost? Sometimes that cost is months or years of struggle.
Often people don’t reach out for help because they are afraid.
-Afraid that they won’t get the help they need and they will waste money and waste time.
-Afraid they can’t be helped. That their marriage is not “helpable.”
-Afraid that they can’t do it without their spouse.
Fear of failure can stop us from getting help at all.
What if you can really have a great mixed faith marriage?
What if things can really get better?
What might be the long term impact of woking on your marriage instead of just hoping it will get better? What will be the impact in 1 years, 5 years, or 10 years?
What is the cost of doing nothing? What is the potential benefit of doing something?
Sometimes it takes so much courage to reach out and ask for help. Courage is the necessary first step before capability and confidence can show up in your mixed faith marriage.
Are you staying stuck in fear and worry? Are you looking at the short term fears and not the long term benefits and gains of really investing in your marriage end your family?
If it time to do more. Reach out. Coaching is powerful. It is life changing. It is not for the faint of heart. It is for the committed and the willing. Let’s talk. Your marriage is worth it.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
Fear
Fear
This is such a powerful emotion. It arises a lot in my life and mostly about my future.
-Will this mixed faith marriage work?
-Am I doing enough? Too Much? Am I hurting them (kids, husband)
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Can we do really make this work?
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What if he leaves?
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Is it worth it?
These are all fear based thoughts that pose as innocent questions. When you find your mind full of questions take a minute and ANSWER them.
-I am afraid this mixed faith marriage won’t work.
-I am afraid I am not doing enough.
-I am afraid I am doing too much
-I am afraid I am hurting them.
-I am afraid we can’t rally make this work.
-I am afraid he will leave.
-I am afraid it won’t be worth it.
Often when I find myself or my clients find themselves in these thoughts it’s paralyzing. Most often fear causes us to stop thinking clearly. We start reacting out of fear and that behavior is often NOT helpful to our marriage. Fear is often at the root of angry outbursts, sulks, and snark.
For example, when I am afraid my mixed faith marriage won’t work I may start people pleasing my husband. I may do a TON of things for him and them get RESENTFUL when he does not notice or when it doesn’t help the marriage improve. Then I get mean or just cold.
Fear is so powerful because sometimes we don’t even realize we are in it. We don’t realize that it has taken over and that we are at the effect of fear. Especially when we are people pleasing (it often looks kind of nice – at least at first).
I teach my clients to be ok with fear. Of course you are afraid, your marriage is super important to you and this is a big change. Fear is going to be part of this.
But it doesn’t have to lead the way and it doesn’t have to impact how you choose to show up. You can be afraid and still act kind. You can be afraid and still be present.
If fear is in the driver’s seat of your mixed faith marriage let’s talk. Fear is not going anywhere, but it doesn’t need to be in charge.
Are you ready for some one on one coaching to really get this figured out? Are you tired of fear making all the decisions in your marriage Reach out and let’s talk and see if coaching is a good fit for you.
CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE
Talk to you soon,
Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com
