Two things are commonly agreed to challenge a marriage: mixed faith and remodeling. We are doing both.

Decision making is paramount in both. Making BIG decisions is paramount in both.

I used to HATE making decisions with my husband. I felt like I had to make all the decision and that he wasn’t talking responsibility. I also felt like he had all the power and I had to decide within very limited parameters. It wasn’t fun and many decisions felt like a grind and were avoided. I remember at the beginning of my faith transition I wanted us to make decisions about all the changes I wanted to implement. But using our old pattens of decision making was painful at best.

Many of my clients come to me and tell me that decision making is a real challenge in their relationship. What to do about Sunday attendance is usually a big one. How to deal with telling family members. How to deal with teaching the kids. And on and on.

Decision making tips:

• Get clear on what your preferences are. So often we go into a decision making process with our spouse having NO IDEA what we want. We are stumbling around and then its should be no surprise that we struggle with the decision making process. Other times we do not have our back about our preference. We think it is selfish or wrong and again it should be no surprise that the whole process becomes painful.

• Identify the emotion driving your choice. This one is KEY. If you decide to keep attending church because you are afraid of what the ward members will say you are making the decision based on fear. Do you like this reason? If you decide to keep attending church because you find value in the community and enjoy those interactions you may be making this decision based on connection. Do you like this reason? When we can see the emotion driving our choice the best decision often becomes clear.

• Be willing to understand your spouse. I used to come into decision making process like a boxing match. I was defensive and would have an agenda. Listening to my spouse and his viewpoint was not on my agenda. Convincing him of my viewpoint was often the focus. Showing up willing to understand opens up the door to being understood in return.

Decision making is skill and it CAN be improved . You do not need to keep repeating poor decision making habits. You can change. If decision making painful for you a faith transition can make it 10X worse. Let’s talk and clean up how you make decisions in your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

People don’t always associate people pleasing with a mixed faith marriage. People pleasing can run rampant in these types of marriages.

People pleasing happens when we try to control what others think about us. We so want them to love us, accept us that we ultimately pretend to be someone we are not. We try to be who we think they want us to be.

We talk in certain ways, dress in certain ways and do certain things on Sundays just so they like and accept us.

We conform ourselves to be the perfect wife or perfect husband and do not show up as ourselves. When they do not appreciate us and all we do to make them happy we get resentful. (After all I do for you – for this family – for this marriage).

People pleasing is a form on lying. We are not being honest with our spouse about who we are and what we want. We are not being honest with our self about who we are and what we want.

I’ll go to church with you if that is what you want – when underneath – you really don’t want to go.

I’ll go with you to your new church if that is what you want – when underneath – you really don’t want to go.

It is ok to do something you don’t want to do. But are you doing it so they will like you or are you doing it as a gift of love? There can be a fine line. One causes resentment and one does not. One is honest and one is not.

What would happen if you just decided to show up as yourself?

Sometimes we think that it would mean we would be BAD. We would be mean and lazy and selfish. Is that really true? If we stop trying to be what we think others want us to be  it means we will be ourselves. Period.

When we show up as ourselves we give our spouse the opportunity to have a relationship with us (the real person versus the pretend person ).

When we show up as ourselves we don’t have to pretend to like something or someone. We don’t have to put on an act. We don’t have to twist ourselves into positions that doesn’t fit us.

When we show up as ourselves we learn the truth about ourselves and about those close to us. It can be scary, and it can be valuable information. Others may not like you. Can you handle that? Do you like you?

If you need help dealing with people pleasing in your marriage I can help. If you find yourself resentful because they just don’t appreciate all you do – that is people pleasing. Let’s talk and find a better way to interact in your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

There was a point in my mixed faith marriage when I was sure that it was never going to get better. I was sure we were stuck in our mixed faith purgatory. We were both committed , but in a grim sort of, “we have come this far and invested this much we have to stay” sort of way.

It felt stuck. It felt heavy. If felt like enduring and not enjoying.

But that changed. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.

Today it feels exciting. It feels interesting. It feels like connection.

What happened?

I changed.

I changed me.

I changed how I thought  about me, my faith, my husband, my husband’s faith and much more. I did the work.

Guess what happened when I changed and felt differently. I started to act differently. I started to speak differently. I started to interpret my husband’s behavior differently. I started to relax a little and enjoy a little more. I started to reach out even if I was scared, even if I was rejected, I would still reach out.

My husband changed too. I can’t deny it, but he didn’t need to. Me changing was enough. I sometimes wonder if he changed because I changed the steps in our relationship dance. Maybe.

How are you feeling today about your mixed faith marriage? Be honest.

You don’t have to feel that way forever. BUT it won’t change on its own. If you keep doing what you are currently doing, you will keep getting what you currently have. You can change it. I can help.

Let’s talk

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I am ruining everything.

This can be a common refrain for those who have

It may prompt the following:

I don’t know what to do.

I am afraid I will choose wrong.

What if I mess everything up?

What if I am wrong

xWhat if i am right?

“I am ruining everything,” is going to create shame. It implies you are wrong.

When I am in shame, I act defensive, I lash out, I avoid, I disengage, I sulk, I find fault, I blame.

NONE of which actually helps me or my marriage.

When a clients presents with the belief that they are ruining everything I ask:

What if you are ruining everything? What does that even mean?

is is true? What exactly are you ruining?

Is there another way to look at this? Is this how everyone in a faith transition views it?

What else might be possible?

Instead of believing “I am ruining everything,” I encourage them to consider the following:

I am creating a new way of thinking about this.

I am exploring other options

I am trying to understand me better

I am willing to ask hard questions

When I tell myself I am willing to ask hard questions I do not feel shame, I feel determined. When I am determined I show up differently in my marriage then when I am feeling shame. I may be willing to try new communication techniques or seek help or be willing to talk about hard topics.

This creates a completely different result from shame.

So you can tell yourself, “I am ruing everything,” or you can tell yourself something else like “I am willing to ask hard questions” – it is up to you.

Are you ready to give up the belief that you are ruining everything in your mixed faith marriage. You need a life coach. Together we will create a whole new way of looking at your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

There is a problem that many people have that causes them to be miserable, especially in their marriage.

They think they are right and their spouse is wrong.

This is usually the single biggest issues in a mixed faith marriage.

It is so challenging because both truly believe they are right, and are therefore justified in their conviction and in the need to change their spouse’s mind. After all they want their spouse to be right to.

When we get in this way of thinking it may present as not being willing to listen to your spouse and their opinion. If a certain topic is “off limits” or “we just don’t go there” it is often because  of this type of thinking. Maybe you haven’t really discussed religion for months (or years). Maybe you don’t discuss church history, temple, or whatever is the sore area.

We usually refuse to listen to the others opinions and viewpoint so we don’t have to feel upset and defensive.

I think it is important to ask:

Why does someone having anther opinion mean that I have to be upset and defensive?

Why is there the need to eliminate other’s opinions so I don’t get upset?

Why is is hard to hear my spouse’s ideas?

Why is it hard to be with someone who doesn’t share my religious beliefs?

Can you allow for your spouse’s opinions and thoughts and ideas?

When this happens I suggest to my clients that just listening and trying to understand is not the same as agreeing. You can listen and disagree. You can disagree and stay with them. You can disagree and love them fully. You can disagree and fully respect them.

When we refuse to listen and fully understand we are saying – I don’t want to know you and I don’t want to know your experience and I don’t want to know what is true for you – only what is true for me. Really knowing someone is the deepest form of intimacy.

They funny thing is that when you understand it is so much easier to love and be with your spouse . When your spouse sees that you are truly interested and truly seeking to understand then you have influence. When you are only trying to change and convince your ability to influence is significantly diminished.

Are you triggered by disagreements? Do you make it mean there is something wrong with your marriage and wrong with your spouse? Do you avoid certain topics because they are too sensitive?

Let’s talk. This is some of the best work to do. Creating a marriage based on similarities is a myth. We are all different and differences are not a problem.. Reach out to me and let’s set up a time to talk about your mind faith marriage. I offer a few free calls each month. We can see together if coaching is a good fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

A faith transition can change the balance in a marriage. It can “mess up” roles and expectations and schedules and traditions. It can show us where we are accepting our spouse when they act in a certain way and rejecting them when they act in other ways. It can show us the conditions we place of love and acceptance in our marriage.

You may find yourself having marriage issues – even when we had relatively smooth sailing before the faith transition.

Often the issue is that you are now placing conditions on offering your partner love and acceptance.

-I loved you when you were active – but this inactivity means I can’t love you as much.

-I loved you when you were willing to listen to my questions but not wanting to talk about church means I can’t love you as much.

We want our spouse to change back or change with us so that things can go back to “normal.”

We want to be able to fall back into our old relationship patterns (even if they were not healthy – because they were familiar).

What if you just allowed your spouse to be who they are – no need to change, no need to tweak or alter or modify. What if they were perfect just as they are?

What comes up for you?

How do you want them to approach you? Do you want them to change  you? How would you feel if they just loved you exactly as you are right now?

It is magic when you can learn to accept and love someone as they are. Problems evaporate. They don’t need to get me, speak differently, or choose differently. I can love them for them. PERIOD. It gives you so much freedom to love without judgment.

If there is truly something that is not acceptable – them you can address that AND still love them. You can approach problems from a place of love and acceptance of that person.

This may sound cute – but it really changes everything. Try it. See what happens.

If its time to learn how to really practice unconditional love and not just want to practice unconditional love its time we had a talk and see if coaching is a good fit for you. Reach out and schedule a free call. I only offer a few each month.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

We just has our family photos taken. Four kids, two adults and one  dog. It was quite the event. I (who usually hate this type of thing – that may be why its been like 5 years since our last photo session) loved it. I loved loving my kids and seeing how amazing they were. I loved being close and hugging everyone and loving on everyone. I loved that these people were MY family.

The photographer loved that everyone was allowed to dress as themselves and wear what they wanted. This meant my 11 year old wore this silver skeleton bracelet thing. I don’t really get it, but she thinks its great. My 14 year old wore A LOT of earrings became she LOVES earrings. My 16 year old wore a sleeveless dress. These are all things I would have FREAKED out about a few years ago. But now I enjoyed it. I loved it. I was proud of them for being themselves and expressing that.

I recently had a friend post on FB ask- won’t a mixed faith marriage mean kids who are “faith mixed up”? I laughed when I saw it. How can that even be a thing? My kids are amazing! My family is full of love. Yes, we are also full of crazy stuff and have plenty of issues. PLENTY.

But so does EVERYONE.

Having a mixed faith marriage does not mean messed up kids. It can mean loving and kind and good kids. It can mean kids full of self expression and confidence. My kids  are WAY more confident then I was at their age. It can mean a lot of love and some really amazing family photos.

Are you ready to make your mixed faith marriage great? It is time to roll up your proverbial sleeves and talk to me. Let’s figure out what you really want and together create a plan to get you there. Reach out and grab a free call now.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

PS -I am now offering a home study course to really help your mixed faith marriage.  If one on one coaching is not a good fit for you, this is what you need. CLICK HERE to learn more.

This past week my husband and I both read the Elder Holland talk that was given to BYU faculty. He is the ABM and I am PM. It was super interesting. 

There was much we agreed on. There was much we did not agree on. I purposely leave out the substance of the talk but want to talk about the discussions we have in our mixed faith marriages around church, leadership, authority, doctrine and BYU, among other things.

My husband and I are both graduates of BYU – Provo. We are both a parent to an child who identifies as LGBTQIA+. We are both in a mixed faith marriage. There is much to discuss.

I hear from many clients that one of the most painful losses they face in a mixed faith marriage is the loss of a spiritual connection. The loss of being able to really talk about church and religion.

I am not going to claim that we did a PERFECT job of discussing this talk. (I am afraid, there are times I got a little snarky). But there are a few things we did really well and I want to share one here.

We both were willing to concede the other person had a valid point. I regularly teach in my coaching practice (and get to practice in my marriage) the idea that there is usually some level of truth in what the other one is saying (even if it just a kernel). By acknowledging what they are saying is valid and has truth can avoid so much defensiveness and frustration. This does to mean you agree or that they are 100% right. However this kind of acknowledgement can open the door for softening and further communication. It can prompt us to say things like – “Tell me more,” or “Why is this so important to you,” or “I can see this is really a tender subject for you, I will tread lightly.”

Yes, my husband and I do not agree on Elder Holland’s talk and on a few other things. AND we were able to hear each other’s points and allow them to have those viewpoints AND love each other.

So many people come to me asking for help so they can talk to their spouse about hard things (like this talk). If you need this too, let’s talk. Coaching may be just what you need to take your relationship  to the next level. 

 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
BrookeBoothCoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com