There are many charged emotions and strong reactions with alcohol. People feel very strongly about substances like this. That is OK,  peoples thoughts and feelings are always valid.

Often we get requests and boundaries mixed up. This happens a lot with the introduction of things that were once (or still are) considered taboo.

Here are the definitions of a request and a boundary:

Request:  Asking someone to do or not do something.

Boundary: Letting someone know what YOU will do if they do something that crosses a line you have set (this may be a physical, emotional, mental, etc. line). NOTE: This is not telling another what they can or cannot do, it is about what you will do in a certain circumstance.

You cannot stop another adult from consuming alcohol. They are an adult and controlling another adult is manipulation and usually involves a threat.

You can make requests and ask them to do or not do certain things.

Here is an example of a request:

I recognize you feel differently about this than I do. I am not trying to change your mind. I only ask that you please do not drink in front of my parents (or kids or me).

This feels very different than controlling another by saying:

You cannot drink alcohol in this house. PERIOD.

Before I share an example of a boundary it is important to note a few things.

A boundary is something you use when your physical, emotional or mental safety is compromised.

A boundary is all about what you will do when their is a boundary violation. Remember you only can control yourself not the other person.

You can make a request that they do or not not do something, but a boundary is when you make it clear what you will do in the event they continue a behavior.

If you feel that your safety (physical, mental, emotional, etc) is compromised by your spouse drinking, then you can set a boundary. Here is an example of  a physical boundary:

If you drink and hit me, I will spend the night at a hotel (or leave and come back in a few hours).

Here is an example of an emotional boundary:

If you drink and yell at me then I will l leave and spend the night at a hotel (or leave and come back in a few hours.)

It is not common that consuming alcohol alone creates the need for a boundary. It is usually other behavior that may (or may not) come along with drinking alcohol such as yelling or hitting or gas-lighting that amounts to a boundary violation. Not everyone crosses boundaries when they drink.

The most important step in setting a boundary is to follow through with your action. If you say you will leave when they raise their voice, then leave. It is the only way to enforce a boundary.

Here is a recap:  (1) make a request; (2) set a  boundary only if necessary; and (3) follow through and do what you say you will do.

Do you need help with this? It is time we talked. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth
Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

What is the impact of feeling stuck and disempowered in your mixed faith marriage?

Do you think of the challenges in your marriage as insurmountable or impossible?

Do you think:

-This isn’t worth it

-This will be too hard.

-I don’t know what to do.

-This can’t work.

These thoughts are going to cause you a lot of marriage problems. Let me explain.

All marriages have issues and things that need to be worked through. You can dread doing the work or you can accept it and even find some level of interest in it.

When we avoid challenges or think we do not like them we are doing ourselves a disservice. Life is a series of challenges. They are the parts that actually make life interesting. They make life worth living. They are the part that take our creativity and compassion.

Next time you have a challenge in your marriage. Tell yourself – Nothing has gone wrong here. This is just part of being married and being a human with a spouse. I can handle this.

See what is different this time.

It may not be “easier” but it may be more fun or least more like a puzzle and less like a torture chamber.

Is it time to look at your mixed faith marriage and its inherent challenges differently?

As a life coach I help my clients to deal with their challenges in a way that does not deplete them or the relationship.

Lets talk. I offer free calls to those who need help with their mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

We sometimes get intimacy confused with something else. That something else is called many things. Maybe you know it as: validation, confirming world views, agreeing on beliefs, seeing eye to eye, echo chamber, on the same page, part of a tribe, or like minded people.

 We all love external confirmation of our ideas and beliefs. It feels good.

We like to feel understood and seen and validated.

We think – I must be right if they agree with me on this.

We are justified in our view point.

It feels safe.

However, in seeking external validation we often neglect intimacy. When we neglect intimacy our relationships suffer and we wonder why we feel so disconnected. We think it is our different beliefs. Its not that, it is really the lack of intimacy.

Sometimes church (or work or kids or the house) and all its busyness, creates a familiarity that can feel like intimacy but it is really just another form of external validation.

However couples in this pattern do not often go deep in their  conversations.  The familiar and the comfort sometimes keep relationships on the surface.

A faith transition often changes the familiar and challenges everyone’s comfort. At first it may feel terrible and like a huge problem to the relationship. The validation is gone. The agreement is gone. The confirmation of beliefs is gone.

This also opens the door wide for intimacy.

Intimacy is a deep connection based that includes emotional connection, vulnerability and openness.

Real intimacy and real respect – the kind that feeds our soul – is born out of seeing things differently and not making it a problem. Real intimacy means not judging the other person for having a different belief and not getting upset that they are not validating our ideology.

It also creates a safety and a marriage container that are AMAZING. This container is not conditional, it is not circumstantial. It are deep and true and beautiful.

This takes work.

This is a lot of the work I do with my clients. It is not our natural tendency. But to really allow the other person to be who they are is a powerful way to build intimacy. Familiarity creates comfort. Intimacy comes from connecting on a deeper level. When there are differing beliefs AND acceptance AND respect then intimacy is achieved and that is more connecting  and fulfilling  than just about anything.

Are you ready to step into intimacy? Are you ready to do the work and create a marriage built on intimacy and not just similarity? It is time we talk.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Marriages often become a way for us to live out prescribed roles. It  can be an easy and simple way of managing a relationship. Husbands do XYZ, wives do ABC. Everyone fulfills there role and things go smoothly.

I like to think of it as going to the store and buying a marriage kit. It doesn’t take much creativity you just color by number and in the end it looks presentable.

This works for a lot of people. It was certainly how I interacted in my marriage for years!

A faith transition can mess up all of this. It can cause one or both partners to questions and reevaluate their respective roles. This basically messes up the equilibrium in a marriage. We hate this part. It feels unstable, and scary and upsetting. We want things to be like they used to be, but we kind of know there is no going back.

If the husband has been fulfilling the role of the spiritual leader and now he is in a faith crisis – that role is now unfulfilled in the marriage. It feels like something has gone wrong or there is a problem.

For me I was the spiritual director of my family and when I had my faith transition, this role was unfulfilled and it felt weird and unsettling for everyone.

It is common for resentment, confusion, and blame to creep in when there is an unfilled role.

Intimacy, real intimacy is not created in marriages based on roles but based on two individuals working in partnership and constantly negotiating and renegotiating.

Intimacy uses the raw material of marriage and create something totally unique and every changing. Intimacy is messy and not always presentable.

It is also what we usually want more than anything in our relationships.

Intimacy forces us to go deeper and see relationship as more than just fulfilling roles. It forces us to negotiate over and over and over and accept the dynamic nature of any relationship.

It forces us to accept the dynamic nature of our partner.

Many couples who go through a faith transition either completely fall apart or come out stronger in the end. Those who lean into intimacy and develop that are those who find their marriage is more satisfying then ever. Intimacy is hard work, it is scary and requires vulnerability and failure. But it is also necessary to really break out of the role mentality and embrace the partner and marriage and make it work in this new mixed faith marriage.

Are you ready to develop intimacy an the skills that come with it? This is what I teach my clients. We figure out what is preventing intimacy and how to let it flourish.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH BROOKE

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

I can’t improve my marriage because my spouse is not interesting in seeking help.

I hear this a lot.

Here is what I would tell you if you were my client:

1. It only takes one person to materially improve a relationship.

I know you may think I am crazy to suggest this. But consider it may be true. Your relationship is what you think about the other person. You can think anything you want. If you start to think differently and feel differently and act differently – you WILL get different results.

2. You cannot change another person. If you could, I would teach you how. But it is not possible. Your point of power is in you. You doing your own work on yourself is ALL you can do and it is ENOUGH.

3. Boundaries are what you will use if someone violates your health and safety. You hear  a lot of talk about needing boundaries. What people usually mean is needing others to change so they can feel better. Refusing to go together to therapy or to coaching is not a boundary violation. You can request your spouse attend with you, but they get to choose if they want to participate.

Each individual has to decide if they are willing  and how they will work on the relationship. Your approach may look different than your spouse’s approach. You have to decide that you doing the work will be enough and not choose to indulge in resentment that he/she is getting a free pass. You have to decide if you are willing to go all in because it is worth it. Then you have to remind yourself (like 100 times) of that decision.

I did the work on me and my marriage improved like150%. AND I knew that I had truly tried.

Is is time to go all in? Is is time to give it 150%? Let’s talk . One person is enough to make SERIOUS changes.

Are you ready to be that person?

CLICK HERE to set up a free call where we talk about your marriage and what you want to create and see if coaching is the right solution for you. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

This used to be how my husband and I approached our marriage. We were taught this and it sounded good, right? It is very common marriage advice in LDS marriages. At least it was for us.

Over time, we have both come to realize that this idea was not necessarily working in our favor, especially in the face of a mixed faith  marriage. Here are some of our realizations:

• When divorce was not an option, we realized there was the tendency to feel stuck, like we had no choice. It most definitely felt like a life sentence and less like a the kind of marriage we had hoped for. It also felt like we were at the mercy of our 20 something selves.

• When we see divorce as an option it means we choose regularly to stay. We choose to do the work to make this marriage work so we want to stay.

• For me, it meant that I was staying because I wanted to. Not because I had to for financial or child care reasons. It helped me see the marriage as more than a social contract or a transaction.

• It also meant that we can reinvent the marriage. Two years ago we went on a trip we called our second honeymoon. We were celebrating our new relationship. We were recognizing that we were no longer the same people we married and where choosing again to be in a relationship with each other as who we were now and who we were 20 years ago.

• It gives us the courage to communicate about the issues that need to be discussed and not to avoid them indefinitely because they are ‘uncomfortable”. (Number one reason this idea can hurt a mixed faith marriage)

Now we tell each other that divorce is an option and today we are choosing to stay together. It may sound scary to some, but it really makes our marriage more real and more enjoyable. It creates a space for more honesty and more commitment.

Feeling stuck in your marriage? Feeling like you can’t or won’t talk about the hard stuff? You need coaching. I can help. It only takes one person to make a change in a relationship. Let’ talk.

Just CLICK HERE to set up a time for a free call to find out if coaching is right for you. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Many people new to a mixed faith marriage  have been told that it is HARD and CHALLENGING and probably won’t work. Its no surprise that is then exactly what is experienced.

What often happens is that we start to notice and focus on all the problems. We make the list and repeat that list often.

-Sundays are hard.

-The kids will be confused.

-This is terrible.

-This won’t work.

-I don’t know if I can do this.

-This is a problem.

and on and on.

We give all our attention to the problems. We ignore the rest.

I am suggesting that yes, there are issues that are real to your marriage. Yes, you may want to focus on them. You may also want to spend some time focusing on what is working and what is wonderful or helpful or nice about your marriage.

Give equal time to both. I am not saying ignore the “bad” stuff. I am saying don’t ignore the “good” stuff.

For all the time you give to the problems, make sure you give an equal amount of time to the stuff you are grateful for as well.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

-We both love our kids

-We are good partners when it comes to (making dinner, putting kids to bed, taking care of the lawn etc)

-We enjoy doing _________ together.

-We have overcome ____________ together.

-We have a nice home that we have created together.

-We are doing what we think is right.

Its ok to be real and see the problems. – life is not all rainbows and daisies, but it is also not all black tar and storm clouds. Both are lies. Tell yourself the truth and notice both the bad and the good in your marriage. This will help. When we spend all our time and energy focused on the problems we cannot find any solutions.

Love this idea and want more great tools and help for your mixed faith marriage? I can help. You can have a great marriage no matter what! It only takes one partner willing to do the work. Let’s talk and get you the help you need.

All you need to do is CLCIK HERE to schedule a free call and we will arrange a time to talk about your marriage and what you want to create in your marriage and see if coaching is the right tool to get you there.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

A mixed faith marriage provides all sorts of new experiences. Jealousy might be one of them.

Jealousy is a feeling. It means someone has something you want and can’t have. It means some one is winning and you are losing. It usually means that there is not enough to go around and you are left with the short end of the stick.

How this might present in a mixed faith marriage:

Jealous of the church for taking your spouses time and attention.

Jealous of on-line groups that take your spouse’s time and attention.

Jealous of couples who are both in or both out.

Jealous of those mixed faith couples who seem to have figured it out and not be suffering.

Jealous they can afford counseling or a coach.

Where do you experience jealousy?

I used to see other couples where they both left and wanted to be there in my marriage. I wanted my husband change and see things the way I did. I thought I would be happier and things would be easier if that happened.

That was not true. It was just what I was thinking. I could have just as easily looked at another couple and felt inspired or grateful or motivated.

When I chose jealously it made me judge my husband more and feel bad for myself and I sunk deeper into blame and victimhood. When I could look at others and celebrate where they were and what was working for them, I could see possibility and I could feel love and gratitude. You can imaging how I might show up in my marriage when feeling a victim versus feeling gratitude. BIG DIFFERENCE.

Now I love to look at others and choose to be  inspired by what is possible and inspired by their journey and celebrate what they have created.

This serves me and my mixed faith marriage so much better then jealousy.

Do you feel jealous? Do you get upset at what you are missing out on? Do you believe that you would be happier if things just changed in your marriage? Coaching is just what you need. Let’s connect and talk to see just how coaching tools can help you see and feel totally different about your mixed faith marriage.

CLICK HERE for a free call and we will set up a time to talk about your marriage and coaching. 

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
brookeboothcoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Have you ever been flooded with emotions in a conversation? It can cause you to loose focus and become very ineffective at communicating clearly.

The best thing is to just slow down and allow the emotions. Process it right then and there.

Allowing and accepting our emotions without judgment and without shame is critical to successful and ongoing communication. So often, we get upset that we are upset. We get ashamed that we are angry.

When I have processed the emotions then and only then does my reasoning comes back on line and I can find solutions to whatever needs discussing.

Example:

My husband expresses concern about kids taking the easy path and not attending church with him but staying home with me.

I get flooded with emotions (anger in this case) because I am thinking, “He thinks I am lazy. He thinks I am taking the easy path. He thinks my way is wrong.”

This is what happens when I do not process my anger: 

I reply back from my anger and say, “I think you are lazy to not question this church. You are too scared to take an honest look.”

You can imaging what may happen next. Maybe you know from personal experience. It is not pretty.

The result is that things get worse not better.

This is what happens when I take the time to process my anger:

I excuse myself and journal what I am feeling:

My head is fuzzy. My hands are hot. My stomach in tight.

I may remind myself that there is no shame in feeling anger. It is a human emotions and I am human. There is no problem in feeling anger. I am choosing to process it and feel and and not act out in anger.

Maybe I take a walk alone or pet the dog.

Then I am ready to come back and listen to my husbands concerns with an open mind.

The result here is that I show up as as the spouse I want to be.

Sometimes I will simply say, “I am full of emotions (maybe name it, if I can) and can’t talk about this in a helpful way anymore. Can we come back to this after I have processed this?”

Then I go and process it. Sometimes I will do this with my husband right there. I may tell him what I am feeling. I will describe out loud the sensations in my body. I may say: “My chest is tingling and I my throat is tight and my face is flushed.” This helps me to stay present with my emotions and allow them without judgment and without shame.

We are not taught how to deal with our emotions. You may need a life coach to help you in your mixed faith marriage. Dealing with our emotions is one of the many things I teach my clients to help them really turn around their marriage. It may sound soft, but emotional work is some of the most profound work available. It is transformational.

CLICK HERE  to set up a time for a free, no obligation, call and we can find out if I can help you improve your marriage.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
brookeboothcoaching.com
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

It is not the cruel criticism of people who hate us that shakes us from our knowing, it is the quiet concern of those who love us.

    -Glenon Melton Doyle

This made me think of a conversation I had with some friends (pre-COVID-19). We were out to dinner with some friends going through a faith transition and another mixed faith marriage couple. One man who was in a faith transition was agonizing over the thought of telling his mom (who was serving a mission is Nauvoo) that he was no longer believing. I could see the stress and pain it was causing him.

He was not concerned about haters in general and people who attacked. Instead he could not bear that thought of his mother’s “quiet concern”.

Been there? This was similar with my husband. He was not the type to get upset and yell and shout and demand I change. Instead he would get quiet and mourn and wonder what he did wrong.

Both reactions are excruciating.

The truth is we cannot control how others act (say, think, feel –  anything). What we do have control over is how we choose to think, feel and respond.

Whether you mom (or spouse) will show quiet concern or lecture or cry is not something we can control. What will we do, when they do what they do, is our only concern. How do we want to show up no matter what she does? When we put our focus there, we are much more powerful and can focus where we can actually make a difference.

Let’s look at that.

How do you want to show up? What kind of daughter/spouse/son/sibling do you want to be? Get clear on that and then no matter what they say or do, that is how you show up.

You may need to practice, you may fail a few times, keep trying. You may need a coach to help you get the right thoughts and feelings in place to truly act that way, but it is in your control and that is where you can be 100% in control.

Do you have relationships where you concerned about their reactions? Do you need help really knowing how you are going to respond no matter what they say or do? I am here to help. I help my clients really step forward with confidence in their relationships that are impacted by a faith transition. Reach out and let’s set ups time talk, its free and there is zero obligation.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A CALL WITH ME!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com