Christmas is coming!

Christmas is a religious holiday and that can be challenging for some in a mixed faith marriage.

Does Christmas start with the First Presidency Devotional and end in reading the nativity story as a family?

Does dinner with the family always include a devotional or lesson?

Do your vacation plans include an elaborate way of finding a ward to attend as you drive across the continental US to be with family?

That’s pretty common in LDS tradition to interweave religion with pretty much every aspect of life, especially Christmas. I chose these examples as they are all from my own personal experience and I expect at least somewhat part of yours.

If you are the transitioning spouse – How to deal with this?

If you are the non transiting souse – How to support spouse or not offend ?

The real question is how to still have fun and connect as a family when there are differences in religion  that impact family traditions?

I don’t know the exact thing for you to do. But you do. Or at least you can start having ideas when you stop acting like the victim.

You might be thinking, “Me the victim? No way!”

Often we don’t even recognize when we are in victim mentality.

We are being a victim when we blame others, when we tell ourselves that this is terrible and frustrating, and when we believe there is no good solution.

When we are a victim we simple DO NOT find solutions.

Let me explain.

-My in laws are so judgmental and will never understand me.

-I wish we could just have a family get together without all the scripture reading.

-Why does my spouse have to ruin our Christmas by complaining about the church stuff? That is the most important part to me.

When we tell ourselves these things, or things like these. It usually causes us to feel terrible. We feel like our holidays have been hijacked. We feel like others don’t care about us. Those are all symptoms of victim thinking.

Victims are not problem solvers. They are disempowered. They do things like wallow.

There is nothings wrong with being a victim. Please hear me on this. But is it how you want to show up with your family? Is is how you want to act at Christmas?

If you want something different. If you want to be able to find solutions you have to leave victimhood behind.

One of the most transformative things you can offer to yourself and your family is the gift of your own empowerment. It is highly attractive and highly contagious.

If you find yourself slipping onto victim thinking around holidays or family activities WE NEED TO TALK. I help people just like you create new relationship with your spouse after a faith transition. It is empowering and the opposite of victim mentality.

Lets talk and find out where you , what are your patterns and tendencies and find out where you want to be. It is a fun process that brings clarity and empowerment just by going through it.

Just CLICK HERE and we can set  up a free phone call.

Once you let go of victim mentality you will more easily figure out  how to have fun and connect as a family when there are differences in religion. It is possible.

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD
Certified Life Coach
mormoncouples.com@gmail.com

Marriages often become a way for us to live out prescribed roles. It  can be an easy and simple way of managing a relationship. Husbands do XYZ, wives do ABC. Everyone fulfills there role and things go smoothly. I like to think of it as going to the store and buying a marriage kit. It doesn’t take much creativity you just color by number and in the end it looks presentable. 

This works for a lot of people. It was certainly how I interacted in my marriage for years! 

A faith transition can mess up all of this. It can cause one or both partners to questions and reevaluate their respective roles. This basically messes up the equilibrium in a marriage. We hate this part. It feels unstable, and scary and upsetting. We want things to be like they used to be, but we kind of know there is no going back. 

If the husband has been fulfilling the role of the spiritual leader and now he is in a faith crisis – that role is now unfulfilled in the marriage.It feels like something has gone wrong or there is a problem.  

For me I was the spiritual director of my family and when I had my faith transition, this role was unfulfilled and it felt weird and unsettling for everyone. 

It is common for resentment, confusion, and blame to creep in when there is an unfilled role. 

Intimacy – real intimacy is not created marriages based on roles but based on two individuals working in partnership and constantly negotiating and renegotiating.

Intimacy uses the raw material of marriage and create something totally unique and every changing. Intimacy is messy and not always presentable.

It is also what we usually want more than anything in our relationships. 

Intimacy forces us to go deeper and see relationship as more than just fulfilling roles. It forces us to negotiate over and over and over and accept the dynamic nature of any relationship. 

It forces us to accept the dynamic nature of our partner. 

Many couples who go through a faith transition either completely fall apart or come out stronger in the end. Those who lean into intimacy and develop that are those who find their marriage is more satisfying then ever. Intimacy is hard work, it is scary and requires vulnerability and failure. But it is also necessary to really break out of the role mentality and embrace the partner and marriage and make it work in this new mixed faith marriage. 

Are you ready to develop intimacy an the skills that come with it? This is what I teach my clients. We figure out what is preventing intimacy and how to let it flourish. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

Intimacy Part 1 of 2

We sometimes get intimacy confused with something else. That something else is called many things. Maybe you know it as: validation, confirming world views, agreeing on beliefs, seeing eye to eye, echo chamber, on the same page, part of a tribe, or like minded people. 

 We all love external confirmation of our ideas and beliefs. It feels good. 

We like to feel understood and seen and validated. 

We think – I must be right if they agree with me on this.

We are justified in our view point. 

It feels safe. 

However, in seeking external validation we often neglect intimacy. When we neglect intimacy our relationships suffer and we wonder why we feel so disconnected. We think it is our different beliefs. Its not that, it is really the lack of intimacy. 

Sometimes church (or work or kids or the house) and all its busyness, creates a familiarity that can feel like intimacy but it is really just another form of external validation. 

However couples in this pattern do not often go deep in their  conversations.  The familiar and the comfort sometimes keep relationships on the surface. 

A faith transition often changes the familiar and challenges everyone’s comfort. At first it may feel terrible and like a huge problem to the relationship. The validation is gone. The agreement is gone. The confirmation of beliefs is gone.

This also opens the door wide for intimacy. 

Intimacy is a deep connection based that includes emotional connection, vulnerability and openness. 

Real intimacy and real respect – the kind that feeds our soul – is born out of seeing things differently and not making it a problem. Real intimacy means not judging the other person for having a different belief and not getting upset that they are not validating our ideology. 

It also creates a safety and a marriage container that are AMAZING. This container is not conditional, it is not circumstantial. It are deep and true and beautiful. 

This takes work. 

This is a lot of the work I do with my clients. It is not our natural tendency. But to really allow the other person to be who they are is a powerful way to build intimacy. Familiarity creates comfort. Intimacy comes from connecting on a deeper level. When there are differing beliefs AND acceptance AND respect then intimacy is achieved and that is more connecting  and fulfilling  than just about anything. 

Are you ready to step into intimacy? Are you ready to do the work and create a marriage built on intimacy and not just similarity? It is time we talk. 

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME!

Talk to you soon,

Brooke Booth, JD

Certified Life Coach

Pretty common emotion these days. It seems to be a pandemic equal to the Corona virus, or worse. it is also very common in a mixed faith marriage. We are anxious about the unknown future or how to deal with this “new normal” of a mixed faith marriage.

Our thoughts and how we manage our mind is directly correlated to our anxiety.

Add on top of normal life anxiety things like general conference coffee, alcohol, garments, Sunday attendance and anxiety can easily surface and feel out of control.

How to deal with it?

1. Recognize it is just an emotion. This means it is something you are feeling in your body. You are not going to die from anxiety (at least not today). Our brains and body want us to think we are going to die if we don’t do something drastic NOW.

2. Getting worked up, ignoring it, pushing against it, all make it worse.

3. Quietly watch it. Think of it as a exhibit in a museum, it is not dangerous or threatening, it is just something to watch and observe.

4. Deep breathes. Sound cliche, but it works. One after the other. For as long as it takes.

5. Accept that anxiety is a part of life. It is a human emotion and you are a human. It need not be a problem. Having anxiety is NOT a problem. It is the human condition. Anxiety need not stop you from functioning or moving forward with your life.

Is anxiety your constant companion? Is it preventing you from functioning in the way you want in your life and marriage? Are you in a pattern of ignoring it or resisting it?

If you answer yes, to any of these, we need to talk. Coaching is a fantastic tool to use to help mitigate and manage anxiety. I know I have done that in my life and you can do it in yours.

Brooke Booth

Certified Life Coach

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE A FREE CALL WITH ME!